The Good Shepherd

A neighbor died over the weekend. Her 3 year-old nuetered/male German Shepherd slid open the window and broke out the screen on her 2nd floor apartment. He is now homeless and temporarily staying with me. He's a great dog who is looking for a great companion to take care of him. Let me know if you know of anyone who is interested. I would keep him but I already have two dogs and a cat. He loves playing with my coonhound Hank and gets along well with everyone. He is used to living indoors and is well-trained and housebroken.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

"What Does that do to you?

Does that blow your mind? That just happened."

This is what I say to our IT guy after 45 mins of him spewing out technical gobbeldy-gook about the printer problem and then I end up solving the technical crisis. The HR chic was having trouble printing on envelopes from a mail merge. Now, I too find the (microsoft office) mail merge territory to be a scary, dangerous place. So the problem is that the microsoft "wizard" leads us to believe our merge is complete and now we just press the print button when we're ready. So we press the print button and 1 of our 250 envelopes print. We try this about 10 times getting the same result. (yes, I know the definition of insanity) So IT guy starts to blame the little HP deskjet that we are trying to use. It doesn't have enough ram, you're overloading it, why aren't you using the Konica Biz Hub? So IT guy switches printers and, guess what, same problem. He's pitching a fit and I say "hey, isn't this why you make the big bucks" so we head back to the computer and I suggest looking at a print preview. Hhhmmm the pages are not scrolling from 1-250. Its only showing page 1. Could this be because the wizard didn't complete the merge? Turns out I'm right—after we close the wizard and click the "merge to printer" everything is fixed. So that's when I start my victory dance and recitation of Ricky Bobby in Talledega Nights. IT guy says he's still taking credit for my fix, because he's the IT guy and he should get all the credit.

Lesson Learned: Mail merge won't print if you didn't complete the "merge to printer."

Oh those Baristas.

Roomate Jamie and I went out to YiaYia's last night to meet up with a couple of old friends we used to work with at a local coffee shop. While we were there we ran into another former Barista, visiting from California. Angie spies him first and says "hey there's Clark, remember that time we were working the closing shift and got him wasted and then made him where our clothes." I had completely forgotten about this evening. But the picture of hard-bodied Clark, scantilly dressed in a lady's tanktop came quickly back to my memory, just as the picture of college girls giggling and wondering if he was purposely wearing ladies clothing. . .

As promised . . .

Miss Montana 2005 (picture taken October 19, 2006). If you don't recognize her she said she was blond when she competed for Miss America.

"Oh, I didn't recognize you without your sash"

A former Miss Montana is now working in my office. We requested a temporary assistant from Celebrity Staffing and we got Miss Montana. So far I really like her. I found out that she was a former Miss America contestent from her resume that was e-mailed to everyone following her hire date (this is a customary procedure at work). So when she showed up I introduced myself and said, "You must be Miss Montana" and "Can take your picture for my blog?" She laughed. I think she thought I was kidding. Stay tuned because I'm still hoping to get a picture. I wonder if she runs red lights like Miss Nebraska.

Nebraska, it really is the good life.

and here's why: David Sedaris is coming to Omaha.
Anyone else going?

In case you missed out on all the "Talk like a Pirate Day" fun this year. . .

You can be sure you're ready for next year's Sept 19.

Check out the pirate translator

and be sure to find a pirate name with the pirate name generator.

Strangers with Candy

I saw this film last night. It was everything I hoped it would be, such as awesome. I highly recommend it, especially if you enjoyed the television series.

I saw this ad on myspace

Finally, an internet dating service with some standards. Ha. Ellen, you mentioned having some difficulty finding an affordable shithole in Urbana, maybe you can find a live-in on this site:
Sugar-Daddy Finder

Lincoln-based Best Friend Position Available - now accepting applications.

My best-friend Ellen is abadoning me here in lincoln to move on to bigger and better things (she hopes). Good thing I didn't spring for the Best Friends heart lockett.

I will be needing a new lincon-based best friend. I'm looking for someone who is witty (you have big shoes to fill in this department), likes to try new things (especially fly-by-the-night Mexican "restaurants"), doesn't mind coonhounds, occasionally will accompany me to church when the mood strikes me, enjoys taking long walks (well that's more for Hank than me), enjoys consignment store / thrift store shopping, enjoys playing soccer but isn't too good, enjoys the occasional cocktail.

Must provide references and must have a proven track record of success. College degree a plus.

Blogger

I'm bored with you.

The SSDBRD (Self-Service Dead Bird Removal Department) Double-Bags It

So Jamie (my replacement hippi roommate) mentions that we have a dead bird out by the sidewalk. "Don't we need to call someone," she asks?

So I call Animal Control and get a hold of Sherry who asks me a series of questions—Name, Date of Birth, Address, location of dead bird. Then she asks me what kind of bird it is. I don't know. In fact I didn't even go and look at the dead bird, I just took Jamie's word that it was dead, thinking that would be the most important detail to this call. So I put Sherry on hold (I cover the mouthpiece of my cell phone) and ask Jamie what kind of bird it is. She doesn't know either. Sherry asks if we think it is a crow or blue-jay or sparrow. No we don't think it is. Sherry then says that she only tests crows and blue-jays and sparrows, "ok, just go ahead and double-bag it and throw it away."

Hhhmmm. Thanks for all your help Sherry this has been a deligh. . .WAIT JUST A MINUTE. I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK UP THIS DEAD BIRD? ME?? I don't think so sher-bear.

So the bird is still dead and still on my sidewalk. I'm thinking of calling back tomorrow and pretending to be someone else reporting a dead "crow-like" bird near the same address. And if I don't get any further I might call the Bat removal professionals located in the Mariposa building on 12th and G street. No doubt they will be more helpful than Sherry.

do you smell your age?

Last week my marketing department met with an outside marketing firm to discuss strategic planning (yes, this invloves "strategery") and the launching of a new product.

We tossed around the usual marketing jargon and posed some options. I was distracted from contributing my usual 100% due to the cloud of stank surrounding the visiting marketer. He appeared to be in his late sixties. He had age spots. His hair was very wiry and gray. It frizzed out from the sides and back of his head, leaving a crop-circle of sun-worn skin on top. I couldn't stop trying to pin-point the smell, but thanks to my very first job as a nursing home dietary aid, it was a smell I had encountered before.

I decided to google "why do old people smell" and this is what I came up with.

I noticed recently while chatting to an elderly fellow that old people have a distinctive smell. Babies have a distinctive smell but I attributed this to a diet of milk/formula. Why do old people smell old?

From: DigitalRadio1918 19/10/99 10:53:16
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 984
Steve This one's for you.

You said it not me.

DigitalRadio1918

Bye the way Catie is not me.

Love ya Catie.

From: Simon 19/10/99 11:50:45
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 999
They smell because they all eat dog food because of the standard of living the Howard regime left old people in. You would smell to if you ate dog food for every meal!

From: brad 19/10/99 12:45:36
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 1016
It's not dog food - it's a combination of urine and disillusionment. Chemically, it may be a precursor to formaldehyde.
I love old people. I just couldn't eat a whole one.
brad


What do old people smell of. Please pick one or add your own:

Spaghetti
Deap Heat
Wet cardboard
Wet dogs
Corned beef
Bingo halls
Fust
Melted plastic
all of the above
you'll find out soon enough
necrotizing flesh
Human Fermentation
Mold spores
Ben-Gay
Moth Balls
DEPENDS!
Vitamins and wet skin
icy hot
Teresa Heinz Kerry
death
Musty books


I guess I'm not the only one out here who has noticed this trend. Personally I think that elderly people generally have an unpleasant aroma, but its not always the same brand of unpleasantness. I think our visiting marketer was more of a discouragement/musty linens combo.

World, here you go.

YOU HAD OSO WITH OUT ME?

Karen says: (12:33:16 PM)
I almost called you but I was going to the dog run and eating on the way and I know you probably wouldn't want to go to the dog run.

Karen says: (12:33:27 PM)
I onlly wish the OSO was a little less expensive.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:43 PM)
well.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:46 PM)
you pay for what you get.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:54 PM)
deliciousness.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:34:03 PM)
and no stomach ache afterwards.

Karen says: (12:34:15 PM)
but i feel that it is on the same level as the veggie from de leons, and de leons is cheaper.

Karen says: (12:34:36 PM)
plus they have the lard included in the purchase price

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:34:38 PM)
i think they are pretty different.

Karen says: (12:34:46 PM)
different but equal in quality

Karen says: (12:35:17 PM)
both large, both delicious

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:35:23 PM)
i wouldn't say equal in quality of ingredients. or cleverness in putting things together.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:35:49 PM)
de leon's fulfills the greasy fast food niche and OSO moves up to casual dining.

Karen says: (12:36:42 PM)
Is OSO organic? If they were then I would say they should be more expensive. Oso moves into casual dining only by dining ambiance within establishment. Since I got the OSO to go, they are on the same level.

Karen says: (12:37:21 PM)
If OSO used a lard tortilla I would relinquish a point for cleverness in putting things together.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:24 PM)
i don't know if htey're organic. they use better ingredients, hands down.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:44 PM)
but moving on.

Karen says: (12:37:45 PM)
not if they're shopping at super saver with the greatful bread proprietors.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:53 PM)
well, you don't know that.

Karen says: (12:38:01 PM)
neither do you!

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:38:09 PM)
moving on!

Karen says: (12:38:23 PM)
i think we should open this discussion up to the blogger community (lincoln based, that is)

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:38:48 PM)
why not open it up to the world!

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:10 PM)
but scott would say he likes chipotle the best.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:21 PM)
and chipotle doesn't count because it's not local. and then there's the argument about that.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:37 PM)
have you checked my blog lately?

Team Phartman (pronounced fartman)

I'd like to report that Team Phartman (that's "P" for Parks and "Hartman" for er, Hartman) has been steadily improving their cornhole/Joe Dummy/Bean bag skills. I'd like to give a shout out to Ben Yancer who really boosted my corn-hole self-confidence.

Look out for Thursday, as "it will have been broughten."

Crazy dog lady

My mom came to visit last weekend. She brought her dogs, Autumn (german shepherd), Holiday (boxer mix). Sid (pit bull) didn't make the trip because he's too obnoxious.

The dogs played in the yard together and the kids next door came over to pet them. My mom said "so are you known as the dog lady in your neighborhood?" I laughed, this is what my mom is known as by the neighborhood kids near her house.

"No, I don't think so, thank goodness."

But then yesterday I was filling up the lexus (no dogs) at the BP station on south and 17th. I went in to pay for my gas and the woman ahead of me in line said hi and smiled warmly. I said hi back. Then she said, "are you the girl with the hound dogs on Sumner?"

I laughed, "yeah that's me."

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Heidi Leather Heat

I received this handy chart from a former co-worker, it's fun but I usually rely on the "name of your first pet + Mom's maiden name" for determining my stripper name.


See what your stripper name will be, and share it with your friends:

1. Use the last letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = Fantasia
b = Lovely
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the first letter of your middle name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

I'm addicted

I can't keep myself from checking myspace anytime I'm near a computer. I've been found by a few former coworkers from my very first job (at 14) when I worked as a dietary aid at St. Leonard Center in Dayton, OH. A few old k-12 classmates have found me as well, my page is probably also been viewed by vice-busy body Linda Becker, who I learned has been fretting over the evils of myspace. She's compiling a stack of Union College students that have posted unsavory content. (I don't think she wants to admit it but I think she likes that myspace gives her a new way to apprehend wayward Union College students). I'm probably lying in a pile of printouts on her desk, but I'm told that she doesn't concern herself with the alumni. Right, maybe not now, but she has summer vacation fast approaching and I'm guessing that she will have a little more spare time on her hands. Anyway Linda, I think you shouldn't be so harsh on myspace. I appreciate my good friends Steve Zisou and Ellen White dropping by. In Fact, Ellen White left a comment wishing me a happy Sabbath just yesterday. What's wrong with that?

Scott, I was thinking we should e-mail Ellen White and get her to send a friend request to Linda, I noticed Linda didn't have many friends.

Yikes! need your help!

So an update on my personal life:

You remember J-Dawg, I was crazy about him like 3 months ago, now I'm not so crazy about him and I need a plan for us to break-up. And recently separating looks to be a bit more complicated since he lost his job due to fratenizing with one of the volunteers (me) at the animal shelter he managed. So I told him he could move in with me. What the hell was I thinking. He's driving me crazy. All those little quirks that used to be cute, definitely annoying me now. I thought it was cute that he was so affectionate and always wanted to hold me tight. Now I am being squeezed to death. But I feel a little guilty since it is only since he met me that he has become homeless/jobless. I don't like feeling that I may have ruined someone's life.

On another note today I got an e-mail myspace message from an old friend. This old friend mentioned that he and his wife yadda yadda yadda, and I have to admit my heart sank a little. I totally had a crush on him, and even though I haven't thought about him for years, I think I still have a crush on him. Oh well... that's life, which only made me more depressed about the perfectly nice guy I have waiting for me at home but only drives me crazy, and not in the good way.

More Products We Love: Formal Complaints!

I've been introduced to the wonderful world of complaint-filing. Thanks to my friend Jeff who had been surprised by a voicemail left by Officer "D", saying, "we need to talk." Why would officer "D" need to talk to my friend Jeff? Turns out Jeff's doubles partner for the Lincoln Tennis Association is a little crazy. Jeff admitted to being a little growchy at the last match, and he felt bad about it so he contacted his doubles partner later via e-mail and appologized for his growchy beavior. Crazy doubles partner then filed a complaint with the Lincoln Police Department, outlining the fact that jeff played poorly and then forced his e-ppology on her.

I had no idea you could file a complaint for this type of thing, and I assume if this is an acceptable complaint, the parameters are pretty wide. So I'd like to file a complaint against Daniel because he played too well during our cornhole match on Sat. I will also be filing this complaint against Scott and Serhiy, who also played better than me. Ellen don't worry, you're in the clear.

The good news is that Jeff won't have to worry about any more awkward tennis matches in the near future. I guess his crazy doubles partner will be moving back to Dallas next month because she has found it difficult to make friends here in lincoln. I can't imagine why.

Daniel, Scott, Serhiy: You're on Notice!

Well Bryant this makes for two times that I've thought of you today

The first being the corn pancakes with blueberry-orange syrup recipe that I said I would mail to you weeks ago. (I mailed it tonight).

The second is from this picture. It looked like something you might think to rig up, in a pinch.

Don't miss this deal !
This is not a joke. I verified it on the urban legends websites...

You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

Super Saver
Wal-Mart
Russ' Market
Sam's Club
Target
Shopko

It's Random Products Review Time!

Products we love:

Cap'n Crunch. I had this cereal for the first time this week. Since I was out of my Organic Cocoa Koala Crisp from the co-op I decided to mooch some of Jamie's Cap'n crunch. Sweet. Corn-y. Stays crunchy in soy milk. Delicious.

Dr. Bonner's Pure Castille Soap (pepermint). I normally get Dr. Bonner's Pure Castille soap in the almond variety, but since the new job came with earlier hours I've been feeling a little sluggish in the mornings and thought that the pepermint might pep me up a little. It did. I found out though that the pepermint pep is a little to peppy when washing intimate areas of the body. Just a word of caution. I found this out when I ran out of my Johnson and Johnson's 1/3 body lotion baby wash which I generally use for more delicate washing terrain.

Products we hate:

State Troopers with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than pull people over leaving the Golden Eagle casino at 6 miles over the speed limit in a test drive vehicle.

I'd just like everyone to know

that my new bra, (thanks to Daniel's rescue mission) the new seamless demi from Victoria's Secret is working out fantastically. I figured I would give my review since Ellen mentioned in her post about my new bra; I guess it is no longer Victoria's "secret."

Extremely comfortable: So comfortable that I forgot to take it off last night when I fell asleep. Although this could have been because I was extrememly tired. But still, didn't awake to any itchy straps. The material is very soft and a hi-tech blend of spandex and something else I forgot.

Support: It's a cost-effective boob job alternative. These babies are comfortable secured but still allow for just the right amount of bounce.

Affordable: not really, but I had a ten dollar off coupon.

I give it 4 stars. (that's 4 out of 4 ellen, just to clear up any confusion)

My appologies. . .

for this ridiculously long hiatus from blogger. You see, I got a new job and I started last week. It's going really really well but let me tell you, giving 100% and putting your best foot forward everyday requires lots and lots of time and effort. I had no idea. Plus, I've been juggling my previous job duties and trying to fit in some contract work over there for a little extra money. Did I mention that I'm a single dog-mom? My stress level is maxersized. So anyway, I'm back and I can't think of one good story in my entire absence. I've let you down, I know. I wanted to make Ceri snort out loud again. . .
So about my new job: Its totally fantastic. I have the near perfect balance of laid back relaxed work environment with all the benefits (financial rewards, benefits package, office comfortability, job security) of a larger corporation. The people I work with are all very friendly. I went in last Monday with a mindset of do or die. I was totally prepared for a hazing but was pleasantly surprised by friendly chatter, smiling faces, and a powerbook G4 to greet me. I'm smitten with my cubicle. I wanted to do the punching arms into the air/while jogging to the desk dance a la Cobert Report. That's good stuff, but thankfully I was able to stifle it. Didn't want to scare them off on my first day.

I'll keep you posted (more regularly).

Have a good week.

Since you brought it up. . .

Why is Rich becoming suspicious? Well the other day I overheard Rich as he was in Thomas's office talking about his "big" muscles, his "big" motorcycle, and other "big" things. Rich tends to be a little full of himself and it makes for good fodder. . .

Rich: "So, its going to be riding weather pretty soon, time to get out the chaps" (this was before mammoth snowfall this week)

Thomas: "Yeah, pretty soon."

Rich: "We should go riding together this week, cruise for chicks"

Thomas: "Oh, yeah, I can't, I need to get the oil changed in my bike first, and uh. . .I'm washing my hair tonight." (ok, I made up the last part)

So while this conversation is taking place, I'm cracking up on the inside and I write El to tell her that Rich is trying to corner Thomas into a "riding" date.

Ellen says "Riding?" "Does Thomas have his own bike or will he be straddling Rich?" So then I say, "well, he has his own bike, but I think you should email him that question while Rich is still in his office, then it will 'ding', and he'll look at it while rich is there." So Ellen sends the following email:

From: Ellen
Date: March 15, 2006 2:29:46 PM CST
To: thomas_trumble@hwdental.com
Subject: riding

hi thomas.

i heard you were going to go riding with rich. just wondering if that would be on separate motorcycles or if rich wants you to straddle him?

Meanwhile the two of us can barely contain ourselves with the suspense, did he get it yet? He should have, is he reading it?? Hee hee. LOL. I also thought about why I'm not the best at practical jokes, the suspense is too much, its all I can do to keep myself from running in there and checking Thomas's email for him. But an eternity passes (well at least 5 mins anyway) and Thomas slowly steps out of his office and gives me a glare. At this I bust up laughing. So worth the wait.

He sends Ellen the following response:
From: Thomas Trumble
Date: March 15, 2006 2:42:25 PM CST
To: "Ellen"
Subject: Re: riding

Wow!! Am I wearing a wire?? Did you plant a bug in my office or something? How in the heck (as if I didn't know) did you find that out so fast?? Ok, but I just threw up in my mouth a little. That is about as disgusting as can be, but thanks for asking :)

Ok so fastforward to Monday, when Ellen came down to our office to meet us for lunch. She walks in and I nod towards Thomas's office where rich is talking to him again. Ellen saunters over and creeps up behind Rich and holds her hands up in two fists to rev one like a motorcycle and she winks as she does so. But mid-rev Rich turns around and Ellen tries to quickly conceal her motorcycle hands and says, "oh, why hello Rich" and then Rich slowly backs away and the rest of us are cracking up. That's why he's a bit suspicious.

Scott don't get out your speedo just yet. . .

It's a bit nippy out here in the Husker state. Quiet snowflakes fell steadily most of the night and morning. Then at approximately 1:30–after I had convinced Elenita that she should walk roughly 10 city blocks to meet Thomas and I for lunch at The Oven–the snow started falling with fury. After lunch, she IM'd me to let me know she had made it back alright but definitely was covered, a walking snow-woman? What a sight for the 3rd week of March and first official day of spring.

When I got to work this morning Jeff let me know that our snow encrusted capital city had been featured on the weather channel. "Wonderful," I said, "Maybe that will fend off all the spring breakers that were planning to vacation in the great plains."

El, Sorry about that misjudgement on the snow letting up.

Ok Blogger, we need to talk.

A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a myspace account. I only did it so that I could view other peoples pictures and look up old acquaintances and friends. It didn’t mean anything–at first. But one thing led to another, and well I edited my profile, uploaded a couple of pictures . . .you know how it goes. . .and I also added a few friends. I was pretty sure I’d get Ellen and Scott (they’re so easy) but I went out on a limb here and requested that Jeff Carlson be my friend. He’s sooo adorable!! And guess what? He totally accepted.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry Blogger, I still think you have a better layout and a superior eye for design so don’t take this personally.

I hope my tech support contract doesn't get cancelled like my AAA lockout service did

The great thing about working for a technology company is that I have access to top IT guys. . and I get a priority call flag by harassing them until they help me.

Today my printer was giving me attitude. Now, this is not unusual behavior from my HP Deskjet 1220C (circa 1997?). The last time I had trouble, the printer was going through all the proper motions: Opening Printer Connection, Spooling to Printer, Waiting for Job to Complete, Jop Complete. Yet oddly, no paper was sucked up and no paper printed out. But the HP insisted that the job was completed. After a number of reboots, I gave up and swapped this printer for Jeff the tech support guy's printer. Of course he figured it out when his printer "suddenly" starting having the same symptoms that mine had the week before, and miraculously mine was working again. So he swapped them back. I let mine collect dust for a couple of weeks and then decided what the heck I'll plug it back in and see what happens. I don't know if I was surprised or not (knowing how unpredictable printers can be) but it worked fine.

Until today. I'm sending a job to the printer, and keep getting an error message. So I call tech support. Since Jeff was at lunch I called his cell phone, which he never answers because he knows its me. I leave a message (I mimicked the professional yet panicked tone of our clients that call in with tech support issues): "Hi this is Karen calling from HealthWare Corporation, I'm having a little bit of trouble with my printer this morning, if someone could give me a call back" . . .then I bust up laughing because Thomas is watching me and laughing at my tone of voice. Anyway I spend the rest of the morning cursing at the printer, rebooting, adding and deleting drivers, running system utilities and nothing is working. So I went to lunch. When I get back from lunch I ask Jeff about the printer. His first question, "Is it plugged in?" At this point I have that forhead-slapping moment where I remember that I did unplug the printer USB cable to plug in the CD burner on Friday. So I plug in the printer cable again. It works now.

check it. . .

try out some japanese games!

the golden touch

Last week I got some new shoes. I got them when I returned some other shoes and clothes to TJ Max. I decided I shouldn't spend money on these things that I didn't really need. So after I returned them, I checked the shoe department again to see if there were any new items–I found these awesome gold open-toe wedge heels that I really really wanted. Ellen voted no on the premise that they were gold, and wedged, and heels, (all the reasons I was voting yes). I had a bonus $20 to spend on them (that's a whole other post in and of itself) and decided that was reason enough to get them. So I wore them last week to work and got some rave reviews.

1. I got whistled at while crossing the street twice (once in the morning on my way to work by some guy in a truck, the second while leaving work by a girl in a ford focus that smells like rotten eggs—even though that turned out to be my roommate Carean, I'm still counting it).

2. Andrew Chisolm said he thought they were fabulous.

3. Today I went to ACE Hardware to get a couple of keys made. I felt the eyes of the guy behind me and turned to smile and say hello. He said hello back. I waited for my keys to be made and then when the girl came back to ring them up, he offered to pay for my keys. "Thanks!" I said.
So the shoes now only cost $17.04

See Ellen, these babies are on their way to paying for themselves.

I Got Fired

Last Thursday I opened up my gmail to find a dismissal email from the Animal Shelter that I volunteer at on Sundays. Not only was it dissmissing me, but it also included my good friend Andrea who carpools with me. Hmmmm, I've never been fired before—not from a real job or a volunteer job. There's a first for everything right? (Note to self–take H.U.A animal shelter off of your resumé refrences). The email containes a coupole of veiled threats. I'd like to share it with you, but first let me give you the background. I started dating the shelter mananger, J-Dawg (you may remember him from previous posts rated PG13) a couple months back. I think this may have something to do with me getting fired, much to my surprise however, if anything I thought I might have gotten promoted. So Sally, another volunteer (who happens to be on the board of directors) sends me the following email:

Karen and Andrea,

I don't really know what you've been told, what spin might have been put on it, if any and what your thoughts / plans are. It doesn't really matter.

The last few weeks and even months have been very difficult and things are changing. Many things need to change.

I've appreciated your time at HUA, but I don't think you should continue.

I am so glad that Slade and his cousin Hank have a loving home. And Bruce too. Those are blessings. I will personally guarantee that if HUA can do anything for these dogs, we will do it. Slade was a fixture there, and will always remain in my heart. Bruce was a refugee that I didn't know well. But I've appreciated getting to know him more the few weeks. He is such a good boy and deserves the life he has now. As for Hank? A great dog rescued from an asshole in Ohio.

What the two of you have done is very special for these dogs. What you did at your time volunteering at HUA is much appreciated. You worked your asses off.

We can become angry and say things we shouldn't. Either between ourselves or outside of HUA - or just realize we should let sleeping dogs lie and move on. There are lessons to be learned, by all of us.

I wish you the best of everything. I wish Jim the best of everything.

Sally

My response:

Actually I hadn't heard anything, this is quite a surprise. I'm sorry
to hear that you don't wish for Andrea and I to volunteer anymore.
I'll let her know.

If you care to disclose anything else about the reasons behind this I
would certainly like to know . . .

But the more I thought about it the more I became angry, I talked it over with several other people. One person thought that perhaps Sally had a thing for J-Dawg, and this was her revenge on me for getting in the way. Maybe this is possible, I brought it up with J-Dawg, who thought back and mentioned that Sally would always ask him what he wanted for lunch, would always make his favorite foods and send him the leftovers to take home. He then mentioned that since she found out about us seeing each other (2 weeks ago) She hadn't prepared anything special for lunch and didn't offer to send him any left overs. (coincidence??) Someone else thought that perhaps since she had threatened us that it was wise not to talk about this to anyone that most likely she had sent this email of her own accord, without running it by any of the other board members. And she included Andrea in the dismissal because of course if Andrea continued to show up and the others asked where I had been she would have mentioned my dismissal email from sally. Hhmmmm.

Despite her words of caution, I decided to stir the turd.

I sent the following letter to Carol, the H.U.A. founder, so at least I will maybe get the whole story, maybe. . .

Dear Carol:

Last week I received an email from Sally advising Andrea and I to stop volunteering at HUA. I was surprised to receive such an email, and also I was disappointed. Andrea and I both enjoy working with the dogs on Sunday and we enjoy giving them a chance to get out for some exercise and extra attention.

I wanted to verify that you indeed did not wish for us to volunteer anymore. As I said we were both pretty disappointed. We’re not angry or mad at anyone, just confused. I found it somewhat odd to receive a dismissal for a volunteer position via email without any indication of dissatisfaction on behalf of the HUA staff before the email arrived. Sally alluded to the fact that we were being talked about and she mentioned, “I don't really know what you've been told, what spin might have been put on it, if any and what your thoughts / plans are. It doesn't really matter.” In actuality I hadn’t heard anything, nor had Andrea, and again, it was a surprise for me to find out that this would be discussed freely amongst the group without giving Andrea or myself an opportunity to be informed about what the problem was.

The other thing that confused me was that Sally said she wished Jim all the best and I do not know why she would mention Jim in an email to dismiss Andrea and myself.

It is in the spirit of friendship that I send you this note. I wanted to open up the lines of communication in case there is something that we have missed. As I mentioned, Andrea and I sincerely did enjoy working with the dogs on Sunday, but if you do not wish us to continue we will respect your wishes.

I wonder how this will all play out. . .

Boycott Domino's Pizza

The man behind the million dollar pledge mentioned in this article is the founder of Domino's Pizza.

Your Vote Matters

A couple weeks ago (when ellen and I were at the Banana) Ellen pointed out an expensive sweater and said nonchalantly, "you know, my Birthday is coming up." I suppose she was insinuating that I should purchase her a new sweater from Banana Republic–even if it means taking out a home equity loan. But I had a better idea. I want to get her something really great to stick on her car. So let me know what you think: (decisions, decisions)

Cheesecake Factory V.I.P.

The waiter said under his breath, "Are you guys looking for a table?" and then shifted his eyes from side to side.
Lewis and I looked at one another and said "um. . .yeah."
"That one there" he pointed to a nearby table with a couple finishing their drinks. "It will be open in a few minutes."
The waiter quickly darted off before we could ask any more questions. It was nine o'clock and Lewis, David and I had arrived at the Cheesecake Factory in Chicago only 10 mins ago. We waited to put our names in for a table and were told the wait was at least 60 mins. We had sighed and decided to clambor our way up to the bar in hopes to to persuade the overwhelmed bartender to get us a drink. Our stomachs were growling and we were regretting our lack of foresight to call and make a reservation.

Then our luck changed.

It was when we were on our way back from the bar that the waiter "propositioned" us about the table. A moment later the couple started to reach for their coats and before they could even push back their chairs Lewis was already sitting opposite them. I followed a little sheepishly, wanting to wait until they were headed away from the table, and then joined lewis.

"Wow", I said "we totally got the hook up" I sat my your-table-is-ready buzzer (that we no longer needed) on our V.I.P table.

Our waiter was fantastic. First we thanked him profusely for the table. He shrugged it of in a cool way, "No problem, no problem." He flirted just a little, not too much and not in a way that is obvious. He offered suggestions on the menu that turned out excellent and then guided us through the all important cheesecake decision offering suggestions based on our tastes and the popularity of various slices.

Turns out his name is Matthew and he is the corporate trainer for the Cheesecake Factory. He travels all over the United States working at a C.F for a period of time before moving onto the next. He'll be in Vegas this summer. I supposed he supplemented his earnings by bestowing the gift of a vacant table to an unsuspecting party who is dreading the long wait. And I assume he is usually rewarded handsomely. Tonight was no exception.

We tipped him mad good.

But he did earn it. We felt like celebrities, or at least feared members of a chicago mob, and of course we avoided the hour wait for the avocado eggrolls.

We Live In a Beautiful World

I'm going to the Coldplay concert tonight with a few of my best ho-dawg friends. This slideshow reminded of the Coldplay song, We Live In a Beautiful World. I think J-dawg proposed to me this weekend. More on that later.

I don't support hunting

And when hunters are involved in a hunting accident, I think "serve's you right" how do you think the animals feel? Remember when Chai Vang shot at the group of Minnesota hunters over the rights to a deer stand last year?

Alot has been said about the Cheney shoot-out, I don't have much too add, but here are some funny tidbits:
The Daily Show QuickTime
Wall Street Journal Roundup of Jokes
Disgust with Hunting Stock Raised Quail (I agree)

Roses are Red, Troy is Blue

Who doesn't love getting flowers? I know Valentine's day is a commercialized cheesy single's awareness holiday and i have NOT gotten flowerws more often than I have gotten flowers on this holiday. But still, this V-Day was fantastic because of the spectacular rose arrangement that J-Dawg sent to my office. Very thoughtful. And Daniel, if you're reading I give you some big props for those thoughtful orchids you sent to your witchy lady friend.

My co-worker Kye–who has experience working for a florist–let me know that I received a very expensive floral arrangement, which I hadn't realized. And while she mentioned this Jeff and Thomas we're standing by my desk and agreed that the flowers were very nice.Thomas said, "yeah you should walk down the hall past the bitchy legal secretary's office with your flowers because someone sent her a crappy gas station floral arrangement. Just pretend to be going to the drinking fountain to water them."
Jeff added, "oh yeah, the one who has an eye for carpeting and wood work?" (She doesn't like to acknowledge anyone associate with our lowly software company, no even a quick "hi" when passing in the shared hallway)

While this might have been funny, I decided it was too mean-spirited because it is wonderful to receive flowers, regardless of their origin. . .Troy asked me if he could have my roses to give to his wife, Sandra. He said she told him not to send her anything for Valentine's Day because it was too expensive. So get this, he didn't send anything. And then he said she called and was irritated with him. I said "Well of course Troy, what are you, a rookie?"

I like Troy alot, he's a hopeless romantic and could probably fall in love with a shoe if he put his mind to it. His wife Sandra is interesting–her hobbies include frequently calling Troy at work. It's funny because she'll first try his cell phone, which he'll ignore because he's usually, get this, busy working. So then she'll call the main office line, which I usually answer and I will transfer her to Troy anywhere from five to 15 times a day and when I do, Troy asks me to take a message because get this, he's busy working. I like Sandra and ordinarily wouldn't mind transferring all of her calls and relaying her messages but get this, sometimes I'm busy working too. Anyway, I told Troy that he could not have my flowers because I liked them. Sorry you had to sleep on the couch buddy.

New Drug Rehab Program

So Saturday El-dawg and I decide to do a little shopping. We went south-town to "the banana," and then uptown to the thrift store that was next door to Family Dollar. Ellen was looking for eclectic clothing that would be appreciated by a group architect professionals and I was looking to replace the tie out leash that I have on my front porch to let the dogs out in the morning.

I need a replacement because the first one has been broken, I'm not going to name name's but I think it has something to do with starts with and "h" rhymes with tank. You may remember him from previous posts such as, so-n-so ate my Bra, flip flop, and slipper and might see him in future posts such as so-n-so fucking ate my cell phone.

When I was paying for my new tie out leash in family dollar, a woman behind me spotted a point-of-purchase display with brightly colored monkies that squealed a variety of monkey sounds when squeeezed. Upon squeezing one, this woman also squealed with delight and said "hee hee, well that's enough to keep a person from their crack"

The cashier and I exchanged a quick "did-you-hear-that?" confirmation glance, then smiled and decided that yes we had both heard right.

If you have a crack-cocaine problem that you are wanting to break, I hear the family dollar monkies could do the trick.

Lego Lady

guess who this is (in lego profile), starts with an "e" rhymes with melon.

Make your own lego likeness: I borrowed this lego link from Jeff Carlson, thanks buddy.

Hank

I'm not talking to you or petting you today because you ate a very nice, recently purchased, relatively expensive bra-wise, bra today. And don't try to blame it on Slade. I let the slippers go, and the flip flop you found under the bed yesterday but this is too much. You sleep in the crate.

Cropdusting

So i'm at work and just finished a tasty bean soup lunch. Which made me think i hope i don't regret this later. Then I remembered this handy email than circulated around our office. In case you haven't seen it. . .

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Emily Markel"
Date: November 16, 2005 2:13:24 PM CST
To: "Andrew Johnson" , "Cheryl Fletcher" , "Cindy Moore" , "Heather Smith" , "Jackie Tunberg" , "Jeff Trumble" , "Lewis Ellis" , "Lyman Taylor" , "Megan Smolik" , "Pam Price" , "Tom Price"
Subject: FW: How to Poop At Work


A few of us have seen this one before, but it is still a hilarious re-read!
Emily
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO POOP AT WORK:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.  People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.  This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.  This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.  This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.  As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.  This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.  If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.  This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.  This will erase all doubt that the stall is occupied.  If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.  This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.  See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an Escapee.  Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.  This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.  An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.


i hope i don't have to pull a crop duster in a little while.

S.T.O.P–you can't put two coonhounds in a del sol. . .or can you?

so last month i took Hank to get his balls whacked at the low cost neuter clinic in auburn, ne, where J-Dawg works. On the way home i got a speeding ticket (so much for the damn low cost nueter) and decided to go to S.T.O.P (Safety Training Option Program) class to clear my record. My S.T.O.P class was last Saturday from 8:30 am -4:30 pm. It's hard to believe there are that many fraffic films out there to fill that kind of time slot. . .

J-Dawg was nice enough to babysit my hounds since it was an all day class. I had just one problem.

Q: How do i transport two coonhounds for 80 miles safely in a sport, two-seater Honda?
A: Shove 'em in, buckle up and see what happens.

Suprisingly, they did great. Hank sat to the back of the passenger seat and sort of spooned Slade, who sat on the front corner panting like a nervous nelly the entire trip. But I kept thinking, what if i get pulled over for exceeding the maximum amount of connhounds you can fit in a del sol while on my way to S.T.O.P class. i left the evening before S.T.O.P and kept thinking with every passing car, I hope that isn't a cop wondering why there are three head silhouettes across my tiny car.

But for those of you anxiously awaiting my review of S.T.O.P class, I sat in the front row and read Memoirs of a Geisha in between tests. Never was asked to pay attention, thankfully, so the book helped to pass the time. But it was horrible, horrible, horrible. i'll never speed again, er, i mean i'll try to never get caught while speeding again.

Puppy Courier

"i have to drive some puppies to Boulder tonight, want to come along?"
"can i bring hank and slade?"
"sure"
"ok"

That was a transcript of Friday's phone conversation between myself and i'll call him J-dawg, my new main man (next to hank and slade of course) If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting Hank and Slade, i'll attach their photos, and if you've already met them, well aren't they adorable?

So I hop in a van with a guy i've been seeing for like 2 weeks i think, maybe 3, to help drive some puppies to Boulder, Colorado where they will be adopted. It was a great trip. I think I really dig this guy. I know that because there are few people I would help drive a van full of puppies to Boulder with on a last minute notice and then turn around and come back the next day (ellen i think you are the other person i would do this for).

MBE it only took me a couple of minutest to write this, i really needed a brain break, and i'll work a little late to make up for it.