The Good Samaritan

I parked my car along side the street last night since I had not yet shoveled the snow on my driveway. A perfect wintry evening- not too cold, fresh snow glistening from the glow of the streetlights. I'm gathering my purse, gym bag and laptop when I hear a rap on my driver's side window. I'm startled and a little nervous. Before I roll down the window, the guy says, "hey do you have a phone I can use?" Somewhat relieved, I pass my phone through the window. He's overly gracious and explains that he has just hobbled down to the U-stop gas station (he has a cane in one hand) to use the phone and, of course it was broken. Upon hobbling back, he fell on the ice. I assume he is calling someone for a ride. At the first phone call, he learns that the person he is trying to reach has just left for work. Can he make another call? Sure. The next call is to his twin sister, which he is certain will pan out. There is some shouting, and I imagine his sister to be saying something along the lines of not my problem. He explains that he left the house to get something to eat; he can't make anything with the condition of his leg. Which doesn't make since to me—he was able to hobble down to the U-stop to call for help but was unable to reach something out of the cupboard or fridge to heat it up? I'm still feeling bad for him though, and I'm mentally reviewing the contents of my freezer, thinking there might be a lean cuisine I could give him. Can he make one more call? Sure. This time he is calling his mother. He explains the predicament again, and I get the idea that his mother, too, is less than sympathetic. I hear him say that he only has $15. He gave the rest to so-and-so because he didn't trust himself with it. He's going through the whole spiel—he walked all the way down to U-stop, broken phone, fell on the ice. Nice lady let him use her phone. Will mom please get him something to eat? Finally, it sounds like mom will order a pizza and have it delivered to him. I gather this because he says, "no I don't like Davinicis. Yeah, Valentinos. Get peperonni on it." I'm starting to feel less sympathy for him though, thinking he probably would have turned down the humble lean cuisine I would have offered.

To Whom It May Concern

Hello again. I've been out of town visiting my mother in Dayton, Ohio. In my absence, I haven't checked the old condiment kitchen regularly, but now that I've gotten around to it, I see that Utenzi has provided the fodder for my next post. Thank you! So here I am, finally, with my participation. (Better late than never, right?)

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.

B. Each player list 6 facts/habits/secrets about themselves.

C. At the end of the post, the player then tags people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

My 6 facts/habits/secrets:

Fact 1: I had a let's say, "quirky," condition as a child where I would consistently faint at random. I say quirky because I had a lot of tests done and the doctors were unable to produce any reasons. As I grew older, about when I was in middle school, the fainting stopped.

Fact 2: I easily get stuck in rut. For example, why the hell am still living in Lincoln, NE. I mean I do love my friends here, but my job is so-so, my house is so-so, my car is, OK wait, I do love my late 90s luxury vehicle, but everything just seems so-so, ho-hum in Lincoln. I think my biggest complaint would be the harsh extreme of the seasons. OK I know I just riled up anyone from Minnesota or the Dakotas but I'm not as hardy as you all. I need climate control or Hawaii. Or New Mexico.

Secret 1: Speaking of New Mexico, I've never been there but I think it might be the perfect place for me. I don't even know that much about it but I've always felt a pull there.

Secret 2: My life is an open book so I'm really going to have to dig around for this one. OK, got it. I cheated my way through high school chemistry. I got a B and I didn't deserve it. Sorry Mr. Schoun. My mind doesn't think in compounds and I didn't want to completely obliterate my GPA because of it.

Habit 1: I like to pop zits. They don't even have to be mine. I'm know gross, huh?

Habit 2: Probably this is equally gross. I'm scab-picking junkie. I can't leave them alone. Relax, I do refrain from picking other people's scabs, that would be really gross and awkward. I love them when they are just almost healed over and you can lift off the scab and see the fresh pinkish white skin underneath. Unfortunately, I can rarely wait till this stage. There so irresistible.

So, on my tag list:

Ceri

Daniel

Voth

Bryant

Exiled in Guyville

Angela

Hank Hates Baths

But off the record, he loves them. I think he keeps up the pretense of hating our bathing rituals for Slade's benefit because Slade truly does hate baths (as any self-respecting dog should?).

This morning I rattled the treat jar to summon Slade, who was napping upstairs. After treats, I click on Slade's leash, which immediately triggers wagging tails and howling. I smile and pat Slade on the head; he still thinks he's going for walk as I turn him around and head for the bathroom. He throws on the breaks when he hears the running water that I've adjusted ahead of time to a barely warm temperature, confirmed with a dip of my elbow. I wrangle Slade into the bathroom and he is quaking, humiliated through out the entire sudds-ing and rinsing process. Once we're finished, I towel him down and release him to run around crazily about the living room.

Hank is already attuned to what is going on in the bathroom, and he lingers just outside the bathroom door. I grab his collar, and he plants his weight in his "heels," pretending that he's not going anywhere. This lasts for a second or two and then he gingerly, almost eagerly, steps into the bath. Once I start rubbing his ears and massaging his shoulders, it's all over. He's leaning into the gentle pressure of my fingertips, closing his eyes in relaxation as if he is spending the morning at a top-notch day spa. "Calgon, take me away."

Quirks

I have developed a habit of imagining myself getting shot, for a brief second, as I walk to my car. In addition to the shootings, I also imagine being attacked by a wild animal or something with rabies. It's not fully played out in my mind. It's just a breif interlude that happens a few times during the day, typically when I am headed to my car. It's similar to Ellen's fear of headlights not being turned on and constantly having to check. Similar in the fact that you can't tell your mind to stop and expect it to obey. It's like, "ok I wasn't shot THIS time." But then the next time I head to the car I look around cautiously and think, "whoa, could I have been shot?" Ok, I'm fine.

I think I need to stop working late.

Untitled Post

This is a very interesting and thought provoking read...
Emily

How Long Does USA Have?

About the time our original thirteen states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years earlier:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship."

The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage"

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:

Population of counties won by:
Gore: 127 million;
Bush: 143 million

Square miles of land won by:
Gore: 580,000;
Bush: 2,427,000

States won by:
Gore: 19;
Bush: 29

Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by:
Gore: 13.2;
Bush: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegals and they vote, then goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years. Pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

My Mom's Accident

She and her broken ankle are on the road to recovery now. Reminder: Drive safely and buckle-up, everyone.

I asked her how it happened. She couldn't remember much because it all was so fast. Did the car in front of you stop suddenly, did you try to stop? She wasn't sure. But upon closer inspection at the junk yard, she noticed the break peddle to have snapped partially off and was bent all the way to the floor. Yes, she did try to stop, thus the broken ankle.

I'm loading the next photo in as small because it is really gross.

Uncle Jay Explains the News, July 2, 2007

Video

Blueberry French Toast Bake

Prepared by Heather A. for this morning's Commission breakfast. It was delicious. I recommend topping it with blueberry syrup.

(You could use frozen raspberries in this super simple brunch recipe too, and I am sure there are those that would try it with bluebarb.)

BLUEBERRY FRENCH TOAST BAKE.

INGREDIENTS:

• 1/2 cup flour
• 1-1/2 cups whole milk
• 2 Tbsp. sugar
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 6 eggs
• 10 slices french bread, cut into 1" cubes
• 3 oz. pkg. cream cheese, diced
• 1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries (if frozen, do not thaw)
• 1/2 cup chopped nuts
• 2 Tbsp. sugar
• 1/2 tsp. cinnamon

PREPARATION:

Generously grease 13x9" glass baking dish. Beat flour, milk, 2 Tbsp. sugar, vanilla and eggs in large bowl until smooth. Stir in bread cubes until well coated, then pour bread mixture into prepared pan.

Top evenly with cream cheese cubes and blueberries. In small bowl, combine 2 Tbsp. sugar, cinnamon, and nuts and toss to mix. Sprinkle over blueberries and cream cheese. Cover casserole tightly and refrigerate up to 24 hours. {P]Preheat oven to 400 degrees F and bake casserole, uncovered, for 20-25 minutes until golden. (Serves 8)

Spidy Sense

I sent out an e-mail to the office today:

Subject: New Staff Member

Please see attachment. I just met with him in the foyer.

This is by far the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of a petting zoo environment. I named him Spidy. (I think he is taking a dump in that picture.)

Let me tell you, I am the first to run for the (dyson) vacuum with hose attachments when I see a spider in my house. They can have the basement, but the upstairs is off limits. Yet I was so impressed with Spidy's size, I wanted him to live. I respect a spider that big. But then our IT guy removed a sandal and whacked him twice before I could suggest relocating him outside. I'm sorry Spidy. I'd like to take my shoe upside the head of our IT personnel. Note to self: Wear cleats.

In Defense of Myself and the Condiment Kitchen

Recently myself and the CondimentKitchen have been accused of "lameness" by a certain "salesperson" that we'll call Lare-bear. At first I tried to let Lare-bear's slanderous comments go, thinking well he's really out-of-touch, how could he possibly understand the purpose of a blogging community, let alone judge the merits of my humble blog? I'm not asking for any awards, but maybe an honorable mention. . . because Lare-bear my blog is good enough, it's great enough and gosh darn it, people link to me.

Another accusation of Lare-bear's, my profile picture looks 20 years old. Does it Lare-bear, does it really? Because that would make me 47 in real-life, and I guess I'm no spring chic but I don't think I appear to be 47 (Note: I am not age-prejudice, well it's touch and go with children, but based on age, I definitely have nothing against anyone over let's say 15). I don't even have crow's feet and I don't need a push-up bra (I'm not against them though); you can still get tickets to the gun show. Besides, that picture is probably from the last time I had a camera (a fun saver 4 years ago). And I still have the same hair-style anyway, but it's a timeless look. Wind-blown, like I've just stepped out of a sporty convertible and I'm on my wait to meet Malibu Ken for a half-caf, no-foam, double, skinny Latte before we head to the beach.

Exhibit-A:

| | | Best of the CondimentKitchen Posts:

I can tell a decent story:
| I Love Wal-Mart
| Anniversary Crasher
| Embarrasing Moments

I share fun links:
| Belief-o-Matic
| Ransom Note Generators

Exhibit B — Recent comments about my genius posted to MySpace by Melissa Mead:

"so i had to explain the genuis of spongebob squarepants to someone the other day. How do people not get it? I thought to myself, "geez, some people just GET it....like karen!" love ya chica:)" Source: MySpace


Exhibit C — Recent photos ( taken outside the break room, less than 24 hrs ago, geese are my witnesses) That 4th one is my Author Photo, an idea borrowed from Daniel. And the fifth one is with my Angry Eyes, an idea borrowed by Mrs. Potato Head.




Lare-bear, you are officially ON NOTICE. You'll be hearing from my lawyers as soon as I get back from the beach, capitol beach that is.

My Trip to the Nebraska State Fair

I'm going to cut to the chase with this post. The petting zoo was by far the best exhibit at the Nebraska State Fair. My favorite character was an Emu that I named Pecky Peckerson. He did get my elbow once when I wasn't looking, but honestly his pecking just warms my heart.

** NEW ** THE OFFICE SUMMER VACATION

Anniversary Crasher

So last week I crashed a golden anniversary reception for, oh actually I didn't even get their names. But their reception was at the PlaMor Ball room and the entertainment was Bobby Layne (heart throb!). I really like the Bobby Layne Orchestra and when I looked on their events calendar, I noticed nothing was on the schedule for the next few months. So I clicked the e-mail contact us link and asked if there was indeed nothing on the schedule. I got an e-mail back, from Bobby himself, saying that he was playing that week for an anniversary and I could come as his guest. So I went and had a fantastic time!

I'm also considering going to Greg Spevak tomorrow (also big band) but I'm really looking forward to the Tommy Bishop Band (big band) and their 60th anniversary party on Sept. 5. If you're interested, here's the schedule (or as my junior high school Bible teacher from Australia would say, shed-ule).

I love old people — maybe it was the first 6 years of my work-force life that I spent employed at nursing homes and assisted living facilities, but really the elderly are an exciting demographic. This was confirmed when I learned this past weekend on NPR's news quiz show, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, that senior citizens living in retirement communities report having "relations" at least twice a month. Shocked but not entirely surprised (is that possible, because really I think that was my reaction).

Question

If one were to apply for the Marketing Manager Position at Cook's Ham, would that be considered a conflict of interests, if one was a vegetarian?

Mindreader

How can this work?

http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/mindread/psychicSparkle2.swf

SAVE THE DATE -- August 27, 2007 (It's a Monday, not a Saturday)

I've been Jazzercising for a month and a half now and I absolutely love it. I reluctantly went to a class with a friend from work that wanted me to join (Heather). I was thinking no way, not my thing. Odly, I was wrong. This is way my thing. I love it. Sometimes I go twice a day. Today I'm going three times.

So I wanted to let you all know that August 27 is open house for the North 27th street Jazzercise facility. (Conveniently located next to Eileen's Colossal Cookies) Come on out and try any one of the classes for free.

Just so you have an idea of how much I love Jazzercise, I signed-up to babysit jazzercise kids one hour, twice a week, during classes so that I can go for free. It's not terribly expensive with a monthly pass, but really I couldn't justify it in my budget since I have a workout facility available to me at the office (but you look kind of silly bouncy around all by yourself and it is not nearly as much fun). I regularly go to the evening classes but a couple times a week I make it in for the 5:40 AM classes. The evening class demographic includes: Students (college and high school ages) and working white collar professionals. (All women but I'm hoping Daniel will attend the open house and break down some stereotypes.) We like pop and hip-hop and we wear capris and tank tops. A word of caution: The 5:40 AM class is an entirely different animal. They are a group of fun-loving 40-60 somethings that aren't afraid to embrace tight spandex on not-so-spandex-friendly-physics. (I know, sometimes I can't look away. I want to, but I can't.) They wear the biker short type spandex. You know the ones you used to wear under your umbros, except they don't wear the umbros. Note: If you try to take their spot or over-step your boundary onto their spot, look-out you're getting mowed down. These ladies take no prisoners and they like to jazzercise to the 70s and 80s music.

I recommend Jackie's class at 5:30 PM on Wednesday's. She's known as the drill sergeant and she will work you. I like her music choices also, mostly modern selections. I also really like Tria. She has a couple of evening classes 7:50, also a couple of 4:20s durring the week. She does a great job.

But here's a treat for you. This is Judy, she invented Jazzercise, and yes her head is shaped like a bullet.

Are these showing up?

googly-eyes

Advertisements that I'm lovin'

"Meet/Meat me at Applebees" radio jingle, heard on KFRX 102.7. Goofy and catchy, this one is sure to leave you smiling, but probably not heading for Applebees.

Heard directly following the Applebee's jingle was an ad for Ashley Lynn's tanning salon. This ad features a couple of presumably shallow/ditzy females saying phrases like "I tan to keep up with my roommate's tan" and "Guys like girls with a tan," and "When I'm at the club, and I'm tan, I feel like I get more glances . . . and I do." But the best part is when the ad seems to come to a close and the listener suddenly hears a little newys-newscaster music intro (something you might hear along with the phrase "This just in") and the announcer says, "now for an important UV light update" then launches into statistics that say midwesterners are more prone to vitamin D defficiency than those who live on the coast. Artificial UVA/B is beneficial because. . . .

Funny.

But even funnier is the new electronic billboard (N. 27th st.) that now features an ad for same Ashley Lynn's salon: Two tanned and sinewy young adults next to the phrase "Faster and Darker". The best part of this is that the electronic billboard features several ads at once and switches to the next ad, which happens to be for St. Elizabeth's Medical Center, and reads: "If It's Cancer, Now What?"

This reminded me of another billboard I saw (West "O" ) which says, "Double-play, get KC Royals and Worlds of fun tickets for $29.00. From a marketing perspective, I thought that was a pretty good sales pitch. The two things kind of go together, you're already in KC, so why not? So I was thinking that St. E's should work out some sort of 2-fer-1 deal with Ashly Lynn's. Buy a year unlimited tanning, cancer screenings included?

Yep, that's why I make the big bucks in the marketing department.

a bumper sticker can say so much about a person

Like for example, my bumper sticker--clean water, our link to living-- Actually I didn't choose that bumper sticker as it was chosen (and placed) for me. I'm not sure what that says about me.

On the way to work this morning I saw a bumber sticker that said "I break for Kobolds." I didn't know what a kobold was so I thought I should find out. Where can I find a quick and reliable answer to my question? Wikipedia of course, because (in the words of Michael Scott) “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.”

So this is what I found as far as the Kobold goes:

Kobolds are spirits of German folklore. The name comes from "Kobe" = house, hut and the word "hold" = comely, good (Paul Hermann, "Deutsche Mythologie") and is often translated in English as goblin.

The most common version, Heinzelmännchen, is similar to Robin Goodfellow and brownies: as household elves of ambivalent nature, they sometimes perform domestic chores, but play malicious tricks if not appeased (Hinzelmann is a particular example).

Kobold is often used in German to translate the word 'Leprechaun', a type of Irish fairy goblin.

So I'm thinking ok, now I know what a Kobold is, great. That is not a very funny or clever bumper sticker, so whatever. And as I scroll further down the page, I see that Kobolds are well known in the gaming circles and were made popular by Dungeons and Dragons (I refuse to link to dungeons and dragons anything). Still not a funny bumpersticker.

Bumper Sticker's I love:

"This is what a radical feminist looks like" especially when older white guy is driving daughter's borrowed car in the south.

"Sweet as Candy" especially when seen on an early 90's escort wagon driven by a hipster-hippy.

"And so, you know you are right."

Tagging?

I'm new to this, well this blog-form anyways, if we're talking freeze tag or cartoon tag then it's game on. But here it is:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.

2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and include these rules in the post.

4. At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Ok and now for 8 random facts (in order as they come to me):

1. I actually enjoy Daniel's rendition of "Lip Gloss," in fact I heard him sing it before Lil Mama and was disappointed when I heard Lil Mama. Now that's a good cover.

2. I refuse to wear peep-toe style shoes. My big toe is slightly shorter than my other toes and since the peep toe only shows where one's big toe would typically appear, my big toe appears to be MIA.

3. I've been diagnosed with a fainting disorder. When I was younger (8-10) I fainted on a regular basis and after months of brain scans and heart monitoring test stuff, doctors were still unable to determine the cause.

4. Places I've fainted: piano recital, piano class, elevators, cars, bathroom (after stepping out of the bath I fainted and managed to give myself a black eye from the porcelain tub, which my best friend told everyone that he had given me for stepping out of line.

5. I'm scared of heights

6. I wish my hair was naturally curly

7. My mother saved two baby birds that had fallen out of their nest during a bad storm. The mother had abandoned them and so my mother scooped them up in their nest and brough them inside. She preheated the oven to the lowest temperature and placed the next on a cookie sheet in the oven (to warm the birds, not cook them). For the next couple of months she chopped up worms dug up by my brothers and I from the garden to feed the baby birds. The birds grew bigger and learned to ride on the handle bars of my bike as I pedaled us around the neighborhood.

8. I had a pet hamster who's intestines fell out of it's body. I woke up to this curious display of medical science and picked up my broken hamster to show my mom, who was still sleeping. She called the vet and took the hamster in to be examined. The vet explained the condition and also explained that surgery was a possibility but he wasn't sure of the survival odds as he did not perform many of them. When my mom relayed this to my father, his response was "of course not, because nobody takes a sick hamster to the vet."

I'll Call Him Stampy

Last week many of the directors were out of the office attending the national conference and expo hosted by our "sister" organization. There were conference calls back and forth as we got more details regarding the hostile take-over attempted on our office that has been underway for almost 12 months (Sidebar, the theme of the National Conference [chosen by our sister organization] is World Domination Tour 2007). After an hour-long conference call, the office executive administer asked us"So, anything exciting happening back there?"


A little background and a rewind to ealier that week. Background: To the immediate rear of our office property is a nature reserve that stretches north, south and east for several miles. We regulary see a small variety of wildlife passing through. At this point the Human/Resources facility person usually announces on the intercom that there is a _______(insert adjective here i.e., cute, quick, lively, little)________(another adjective i.e., brown, multi-colored, large, small)_______(insert noun here i.e., fox, deer, goose, raccoon, duck) outside of ________(insert location, i.e., Scott's office, the conference room). At this point some of us rush to the window to see the wildlife and some even keep binoculars handy to get a closer look.

So earlier that week my office neighbor Heather points out the window and says, "hey is that a tent?" Sure enough, way off into the distance is a modest but brightly colored tent. There is a man who resembles the viral marketing director for chaps ralph lauren sitting a little ways away from the tent. Scott pulls out the binoculars to further investigate.

"Ahhhhhhhhh," Scott rips the binoculars away, "my eyes, my eyes." Turns out we have caught the visitor in a not-so-private act of defocation, which explains the squatting. I'm tempted to pick up the intercom line and announce that there is a homely stranger relieving himself outside of Scott's office. I decide against using the intercom but quickly go to the closest office to announce our guest. Pretty soon there is a small crowd gathered in Scott's office. "What's he doing now?" "Wait, where did he go, I can't see him."

Fastfoward to the conference call with the office administrator later that week. "So, anything exciting happening back there?" Second in command, the exam director, replies with "Actually we have a homeless guy living out back and we're feeding him donuts."

But the next day we arrive to see that Stampy is packing up the tent. I wonder where he will go. I've gotten attached to him these last few days and truly I'm sad that he is leaving us. Maybe he will come back. If you love something you have to set it free . . .

I love Wal-Mart

Reason #37

A couple of weeks ago I decided to return some drapes that I had impulse bought a few days before. I hadn't even hung them to see if I like them or not when buyer's remorse was already setting in. I gathered up the bag and headed to Wal-Mart mid-morning on a Saturday.

I love Wal-Mart for the cultural experience, (especially the cultural experience found at the N. 27th street location) and that's why I chose mid-morning on a Saturday to do my returning. I head to customer service and see that the line is curling out of the customer service cave and spilling into the main front aisle. Doesn't worry me. I've got nothing but time and an entire store full of prime people-watching candidates. I'm about 10th in line when a petite woman in her late fifties takes her place behind me.

"Whoa, what a line!" she says.
I reply with, "oh yeah, Saturday morning though, everybody's out."
"Do you think they can look up my store card?" she asks.
"Hmmm, I don't know" (I didn't even know Wal-Mart offered a store card).
"I have an account, but I can't find the card and I need to charge my shopping today."
"oh, hmm, I'm not sure if the can do that or not."
"They look up my account at Sears"
"oh."
"All the time, even"
"oh."
"Well, it doesn't matter. I'm filing for bankruptcy next month anyways."
"oh."
"I just can't find a job as good as the last one."
Finally something I felt I could add a little more to than just 'oh'. "Well, the job market is tight right now, I have friends that are looking for jobs."
"Well, they fired me from my last job because they don't think I'm over my granddaughter being murdered."
"oh." (I'm back to the ohs, but inside my head I'm shouting "holy crap lady!").
"My daughter's boyfriend murdered her, NOT the baby's father — he's in jail. He never even knew Alli existed."
"oh."
"It's because of those projects she was living in, in Omaha."
(I wasn't aware of any "projects" in Omaha.) "oh," I reply.
"A lot of B-L-A-C-K-Ss," she spells.
Now I look around in horror. This woman has a voice that carries and I smile nervously at the black shoppers ahead and behind me in line. I'm hoping that my facial expressions convey that I don't know this woman, I just met her, and I LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.


I chose this as Reason #37 because I was inspired by a beer billboard on West "O" that reads Golden Rule Number 23: Never have rims that are worth more than your car. I like that billboard. And I like the silliness of starting with #23. At least I haven't seen 1-22 anywhere around town. So I'm starting off my I love Wal-Mart series with #37.

Tech Support

I recently spoke with Dish Network regarding my account. I can't even explain it, too frustrating. So, for the nuts and bolts of the story: I call and ask about a mysterious item (charge) on my statement, and because there is no scripted answer for my question, I get a scripted answer to every question except mine. I cancelled my service. My current service provider is my antenna. I'm loving every minute of it. Seriously. There's too many channels out there and now that I don't have them I find that I didn't really need them after all. So liberating. I recommend it.

FOAMY

Friday, 6:13 in the "P" "M"

ok, i'm about to cry, I rode my bike home from work and one of my wedged espadrilles fell out of my backpack. Actually I have the car of African-Americans to thank for informing me that my backpack zipper was half unzipped. They kept honking at me and I tried to ignore them for a block, thinking it was just your average white female heckling/cat calling in T-town, but thanks to them that's when I noticed a shoe was missing. So I turn around and head back the 6 miles to my office, never finding the missing shoe, and now I type teary-eyed before riding home. It's ok, they're just shoes, I tell myself. Then I answer myself with "no they're not, damn it. NO THEY ARE NOT."

The Office (part 2)

So when the exam director returns from vacation, what does she have for her hard-working assistants? Fancy new pens, pencils and post-it notes!

the office

The exam director was on vacation all last week. Things I find interesting about her: She has an aversion to all condiments (ketchup, mustard, mayo, relish, ranch, etc.) I once asked her how she can eat a dry sandwich. She said she butters the bread (yuk!). She also refuses to write with yellow number two pencils and yellow post-it notes. Her aversion here is not directed toward the color yellow, but toward things that are ordinary. She likes bright and bold inks and pencils with flair.

So while the exam director is on vacation her assistants decide to confiscate her collection of fancy pens and pencils and brightly colored post-it notes. They come to me for help in creating a ransom note poster (as a graphic designer I get these kinds of requests all the time). My first suggestion was to go old-school and cut out letters from magazines. They didn't have the patience for that, so my next suggestion was to Google it. I was surprise to find a "ransom-note generator" available, and even more surprised to find that there are many. Who new there was such a demand?

Here's one I made:

I really like the choice of white or yellow paper on this one

So get to ransom-ing!

HTML Help Please!

Ok, so I thought maybe I'd switch my template out. I'm regretting it now, but I didn't have the forsight to save my old template incase this little adventure didn't work out. Moving on. You'll notice that my links, profile, archives, that used to appear to the right of the top postings has now moved to the bottom of my page. If you didn't notice, go ahead and scroll to the bottom of my page. Go ahead, I'll wait . . .

Why did this happen? I don't know because the pre-designed template I chose showed these elements in the same location as my old blog template. "No problem," I say to myself. After all, I have taken Web Page Design 1 from Northeast Community College. "I'll just go into the html editor and move the elements myself." When I go into the HTML editor the links are no where to be found, so why are they showing up on the bottom of my page at alL? Weird. Suggestions anyone?

http://www.scarymonkey.net/movies/2pacbarney.php

Hank: So many squirrels, so little time.


Slade: Always watch out for #1 (but don't step in #2 either)

Recommendation: Chuck Norris Widgets.

For those of you using a mac, I highly recommend the Chuck Norris Facts Widget. For those of you not using a Mac, I don't know where to begin . . .

Samples:

Chuck Noris has two speeds: Walk, and Kill

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a chucktatorship.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Some people wear superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Things That Irritate Me (here's one — more to come)

Joint e-mail addresses for married couples. Example: soandso_plus_soandso@somewhere.com. I expect married couples to share things like minutes in their cellular plans, the newspaper, a sandwich. But sharing e-mails? Why? Is it a trust issue? Is it too much trouble to have to forward an e-mail on to a spouse? Are you three-way calling everyone as well? These are my questions.

King Kong: Home of the All-American Gyro

So I'm driving back from the boats on a Saturday night. My friend and I decided to stop for dinner. We argued over where and finally settled on a restaurant that neither of us had ever been to. I was sucked in by the dozen gorillas — ranging from very small to larger than life — resting in the front lawn. My friend was lured in by the 2 lb. Kong Burger listed on the sign that the larger than life Gorilla was holding. I ordered a vegetarian gyro. This was my first ever gyro, so I have no other gyro experience to compare with. This one came with American cheese, which I thought was odd, but again what do I know about gyro ingredients. It was tasty, and who doesn't love gorilla lawn ornaments? I give it 4 stars (that's 4 out of 4 stars for anyone who's wondering why not five?)

Belief-O-Matic

So I took the old Belief-O-Matic quizz, forwarded to me by my brother, and was interested to learn that my leanings are 100% Quaker Orthodox. I'm still 91% SDA, I don't know if that would make my mom proud or disappointed, since it was still 3rd place, behind the Quakers and the Mormons. I'm wondering how I ranked so high on the Mormon scale. I don't remember any questions that asked "how would you feel about being a part of your husband's harem, including (but not limited too) 14+ other wives." What else are they known for? Oh yea, "how would you like to go door to door in pairs and try to save some souls?". Nope, I don't remember that one either.


Your Results:


The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.






1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (94%)
3. Seventh Day Adventist (91%)
4. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (89%)
5. Jehovah's Witness (87%)
6. Bahá'í Faith (80%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
8. Orthodox Judaism (75%)
9. Eastern Orthodox (73%)
10. Roman Catholic (73%)
11. Liberal Quakers (70%)
12. Jainism (65%)
13. Islam (63%)
14. Theravada Buddhism (61%)
15. Mahayana Buddhism (61%)
16. Hinduism (60%)
17. Sikhism (58%)
18. Unitarian Universalism (48%)
19. Reform Judaism (47%)
20. Neo-Pagan (45%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (44%)
22. New Age (36%)
23. Taoism (34%)
24. Secular Humanism (34%)
25. Scientology (25%)
26. Nontheist (24%)
27. New Thought (24%)

Arrrrghhh

Why does the night cleaning guy have to put my trashcan in a different area in my office everytime he cleans? Cause dagnabbit, I'm tired of hunting for it every other day when I have a snotty tissue in my hand. It's going to be a yeasty day at the office today.

Embarassing Moments

I was kickin' it with Cate and Sam last night. We drove accross town to the venue for drinks. Why? I do not know because the roads were icy, and when we arrived, we found the coctails to be obscenely overpriced. But you can't put a price on good friends and good stories. Cate was perched timidly on the fine leather lounge chair and kept racing to the restroom as she had a case of the "McGurggles," except that this time the McGurggles were not caused from an indulgence of fast food but rather the spicy curry-love of The Oven, one of Lincoln's Indian restaurants. Sam and I were giggling like children at Cate's predicament, and Cate, not wanting to cut the evening short, put on a brave face going to and from the restroom. To ease her shame, I told her how a couple of weeks ago I had my hair done at an upscale salon, well as upscale as you can get in Lincoln, but still pretty fancy. When paying the bill, the dark and stormy male receptionist asked me to fill out a new customer conact information sheet. I obliged and began scrawling away until I noticed half-way down the page that I was leaving a trail of blood and had forgotton to dot a couple of "I"s. I let the "I"s off the hook and examined my hand and noticed that a paper cut from the previous day had bursted open from the slight pressure of the pen in my hand. I was mortified and tried to rub away the blood, well actually it was more of a smear around my hand. But still, I thought this might look less conspicuous. (I know this seems silly but it's all I had). So I'm fidgeting around while the receptionist finishes processing my credit card. I hand him my contact sheet and mention casually, "Oh, there's seems to be a smudge on there," as he eyes it suspiciously. At least I didn't start bleeding until he had already punched in the amount on the credit card machine. If I were him, I might have included a clean-up fee on the ticket.