Cheesecake Factory V.I.P.

The waiter said under his breath, "Are you guys looking for a table?" and then shifted his eyes from side to side.
Lewis and I looked at one another and said "um. . .yeah."
"That one there" he pointed to a nearby table with a couple finishing their drinks. "It will be open in a few minutes."
The waiter quickly darted off before we could ask any more questions. It was nine o'clock and Lewis, David and I had arrived at the Cheesecake Factory in Chicago only 10 mins ago. We waited to put our names in for a table and were told the wait was at least 60 mins. We had sighed and decided to clambor our way up to the bar in hopes to to persuade the overwhelmed bartender to get us a drink. Our stomachs were growling and we were regretting our lack of foresight to call and make a reservation.

Then our luck changed.

It was when we were on our way back from the bar that the waiter "propositioned" us about the table. A moment later the couple started to reach for their coats and before they could even push back their chairs Lewis was already sitting opposite them. I followed a little sheepishly, wanting to wait until they were headed away from the table, and then joined lewis.

"Wow", I said "we totally got the hook up" I sat my your-table-is-ready buzzer (that we no longer needed) on our V.I.P table.

Our waiter was fantastic. First we thanked him profusely for the table. He shrugged it of in a cool way, "No problem, no problem." He flirted just a little, not too much and not in a way that is obvious. He offered suggestions on the menu that turned out excellent and then guided us through the all important cheesecake decision offering suggestions based on our tastes and the popularity of various slices.

Turns out his name is Matthew and he is the corporate trainer for the Cheesecake Factory. He travels all over the United States working at a C.F for a period of time before moving onto the next. He'll be in Vegas this summer. I supposed he supplemented his earnings by bestowing the gift of a vacant table to an unsuspecting party who is dreading the long wait. And I assume he is usually rewarded handsomely. Tonight was no exception.

We tipped him mad good.

But he did earn it. We felt like celebrities, or at least feared members of a chicago mob, and of course we avoided the hour wait for the avocado eggrolls.

We Live In a Beautiful World

I'm going to the Coldplay concert tonight with a few of my best ho-dawg friends. This slideshow reminded of the Coldplay song, We Live In a Beautiful World. I think J-dawg proposed to me this weekend. More on that later.

I don't support hunting

And when hunters are involved in a hunting accident, I think "serve's you right" how do you think the animals feel? Remember when Chai Vang shot at the group of Minnesota hunters over the rights to a deer stand last year?

Alot has been said about the Cheney shoot-out, I don't have much too add, but here are some funny tidbits:
The Daily Show QuickTime
Wall Street Journal Roundup of Jokes
Disgust with Hunting Stock Raised Quail (I agree)

Roses are Red, Troy is Blue

Who doesn't love getting flowers? I know Valentine's day is a commercialized cheesy single's awareness holiday and i have NOT gotten flowerws more often than I have gotten flowers on this holiday. But still, this V-Day was fantastic because of the spectacular rose arrangement that J-Dawg sent to my office. Very thoughtful. And Daniel, if you're reading I give you some big props for those thoughtful orchids you sent to your witchy lady friend.

My co-worker Kye–who has experience working for a florist–let me know that I received a very expensive floral arrangement, which I hadn't realized. And while she mentioned this Jeff and Thomas we're standing by my desk and agreed that the flowers were very nice.Thomas said, "yeah you should walk down the hall past the bitchy legal secretary's office with your flowers because someone sent her a crappy gas station floral arrangement. Just pretend to be going to the drinking fountain to water them."
Jeff added, "oh yeah, the one who has an eye for carpeting and wood work?" (She doesn't like to acknowledge anyone associate with our lowly software company, no even a quick "hi" when passing in the shared hallway)

While this might have been funny, I decided it was too mean-spirited because it is wonderful to receive flowers, regardless of their origin. . .Troy asked me if he could have my roses to give to his wife, Sandra. He said she told him not to send her anything for Valentine's Day because it was too expensive. So get this, he didn't send anything. And then he said she called and was irritated with him. I said "Well of course Troy, what are you, a rookie?"

I like Troy alot, he's a hopeless romantic and could probably fall in love with a shoe if he put his mind to it. His wife Sandra is interesting–her hobbies include frequently calling Troy at work. It's funny because she'll first try his cell phone, which he'll ignore because he's usually, get this, busy working. So then she'll call the main office line, which I usually answer and I will transfer her to Troy anywhere from five to 15 times a day and when I do, Troy asks me to take a message because get this, he's busy working. I like Sandra and ordinarily wouldn't mind transferring all of her calls and relaying her messages but get this, sometimes I'm busy working too. Anyway, I told Troy that he could not have my flowers because I liked them. Sorry you had to sleep on the couch buddy.

New Drug Rehab Program

So Saturday El-dawg and I decide to do a little shopping. We went south-town to "the banana," and then uptown to the thrift store that was next door to Family Dollar. Ellen was looking for eclectic clothing that would be appreciated by a group architect professionals and I was looking to replace the tie out leash that I have on my front porch to let the dogs out in the morning.

I need a replacement because the first one has been broken, I'm not going to name name's but I think it has something to do with starts with and "h" rhymes with tank. You may remember him from previous posts such as, so-n-so ate my Bra, flip flop, and slipper and might see him in future posts such as so-n-so fucking ate my cell phone.

When I was paying for my new tie out leash in family dollar, a woman behind me spotted a point-of-purchase display with brightly colored monkies that squealed a variety of monkey sounds when squeeezed. Upon squeezing one, this woman also squealed with delight and said "hee hee, well that's enough to keep a person from their crack"

The cashier and I exchanged a quick "did-you-hear-that?" confirmation glance, then smiled and decided that yes we had both heard right.

If you have a crack-cocaine problem that you are wanting to break, I hear the family dollar monkies could do the trick.

Lego Lady

guess who this is (in lego profile), starts with an "e" rhymes with melon.

Make your own lego likeness: I borrowed this lego link from Jeff Carlson, thanks buddy.

Hank

I'm not talking to you or petting you today because you ate a very nice, recently purchased, relatively expensive bra-wise, bra today. And don't try to blame it on Slade. I let the slippers go, and the flip flop you found under the bed yesterday but this is too much. You sleep in the crate.

Cropdusting

So i'm at work and just finished a tasty bean soup lunch. Which made me think i hope i don't regret this later. Then I remembered this handy email than circulated around our office. In case you haven't seen it. . .

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Emily Markel"
Date: November 16, 2005 2:13:24 PM CST
To: "Andrew Johnson" , "Cheryl Fletcher" , "Cindy Moore" , "Heather Smith" , "Jackie Tunberg" , "Jeff Trumble" , "Lewis Ellis" , "Lyman Taylor" , "Megan Smolik" , "Pam Price" , "Tom Price"
Subject: FW: How to Poop At Work


A few of us have seen this one before, but it is still a hilarious re-read!
Emily
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO POOP AT WORK:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.  People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.  This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.  This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.  This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.  As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.  This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.  If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.  This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.  This will erase all doubt that the stall is occupied.  If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.  This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.  See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an Escapee.  Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.  This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.  An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.


i hope i don't have to pull a crop duster in a little while.

S.T.O.P–you can't put two coonhounds in a del sol. . .or can you?

so last month i took Hank to get his balls whacked at the low cost neuter clinic in auburn, ne, where J-Dawg works. On the way home i got a speeding ticket (so much for the damn low cost nueter) and decided to go to S.T.O.P (Safety Training Option Program) class to clear my record. My S.T.O.P class was last Saturday from 8:30 am -4:30 pm. It's hard to believe there are that many fraffic films out there to fill that kind of time slot. . .

J-Dawg was nice enough to babysit my hounds since it was an all day class. I had just one problem.

Q: How do i transport two coonhounds for 80 miles safely in a sport, two-seater Honda?
A: Shove 'em in, buckle up and see what happens.

Suprisingly, they did great. Hank sat to the back of the passenger seat and sort of spooned Slade, who sat on the front corner panting like a nervous nelly the entire trip. But I kept thinking, what if i get pulled over for exceeding the maximum amount of connhounds you can fit in a del sol while on my way to S.T.O.P class. i left the evening before S.T.O.P and kept thinking with every passing car, I hope that isn't a cop wondering why there are three head silhouettes across my tiny car.

But for those of you anxiously awaiting my review of S.T.O.P class, I sat in the front row and read Memoirs of a Geisha in between tests. Never was asked to pay attention, thankfully, so the book helped to pass the time. But it was horrible, horrible, horrible. i'll never speed again, er, i mean i'll try to never get caught while speeding again.

Puppy Courier

"i have to drive some puppies to Boulder tonight, want to come along?"
"can i bring hank and slade?"
"sure"
"ok"

That was a transcript of Friday's phone conversation between myself and i'll call him J-dawg, my new main man (next to hank and slade of course) If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting Hank and Slade, i'll attach their photos, and if you've already met them, well aren't they adorable?

So I hop in a van with a guy i've been seeing for like 2 weeks i think, maybe 3, to help drive some puppies to Boulder, Colorado where they will be adopted. It was a great trip. I think I really dig this guy. I know that because there are few people I would help drive a van full of puppies to Boulder with on a last minute notice and then turn around and come back the next day (ellen i think you are the other person i would do this for).

MBE it only took me a couple of minutest to write this, i really needed a brain break, and i'll work a little late to make up for it.