Recommendation: Chuck Norris Widgets.

For those of you using a mac, I highly recommend the Chuck Norris Facts Widget. For those of you not using a Mac, I don't know where to begin . . .

Samples:

Chuck Noris has two speeds: Walk, and Kill

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a chucktatorship.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Some people wear superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Things That Irritate Me (here's one — more to come)

Joint e-mail addresses for married couples. Example: soandso_plus_soandso@somewhere.com. I expect married couples to share things like minutes in their cellular plans, the newspaper, a sandwich. But sharing e-mails? Why? Is it a trust issue? Is it too much trouble to have to forward an e-mail on to a spouse? Are you three-way calling everyone as well? These are my questions.

King Kong: Home of the All-American Gyro

So I'm driving back from the boats on a Saturday night. My friend and I decided to stop for dinner. We argued over where and finally settled on a restaurant that neither of us had ever been to. I was sucked in by the dozen gorillas — ranging from very small to larger than life — resting in the front lawn. My friend was lured in by the 2 lb. Kong Burger listed on the sign that the larger than life Gorilla was holding. I ordered a vegetarian gyro. This was my first ever gyro, so I have no other gyro experience to compare with. This one came with American cheese, which I thought was odd, but again what do I know about gyro ingredients. It was tasty, and who doesn't love gorilla lawn ornaments? I give it 4 stars (that's 4 out of 4 stars for anyone who's wondering why not five?)

Belief-O-Matic

So I took the old Belief-O-Matic quizz, forwarded to me by my brother, and was interested to learn that my leanings are 100% Quaker Orthodox. I'm still 91% SDA, I don't know if that would make my mom proud or disappointed, since it was still 3rd place, behind the Quakers and the Mormons. I'm wondering how I ranked so high on the Mormon scale. I don't remember any questions that asked "how would you feel about being a part of your husband's harem, including (but not limited too) 14+ other wives." What else are they known for? Oh yea, "how would you like to go door to door in pairs and try to save some souls?". Nope, I don't remember that one either.


Your Results:


The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.






1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (94%)
3. Seventh Day Adventist (91%)
4. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (89%)
5. Jehovah's Witness (87%)
6. Bahá'í Faith (80%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
8. Orthodox Judaism (75%)
9. Eastern Orthodox (73%)
10. Roman Catholic (73%)
11. Liberal Quakers (70%)
12. Jainism (65%)
13. Islam (63%)
14. Theravada Buddhism (61%)
15. Mahayana Buddhism (61%)
16. Hinduism (60%)
17. Sikhism (58%)
18. Unitarian Universalism (48%)
19. Reform Judaism (47%)
20. Neo-Pagan (45%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (44%)
22. New Age (36%)
23. Taoism (34%)
24. Secular Humanism (34%)
25. Scientology (25%)
26. Nontheist (24%)
27. New Thought (24%)

Arrrrghhh

Why does the night cleaning guy have to put my trashcan in a different area in my office everytime he cleans? Cause dagnabbit, I'm tired of hunting for it every other day when I have a snotty tissue in my hand. It's going to be a yeasty day at the office today.

Embarassing Moments

I was kickin' it with Cate and Sam last night. We drove accross town to the venue for drinks. Why? I do not know because the roads were icy, and when we arrived, we found the coctails to be obscenely overpriced. But you can't put a price on good friends and good stories. Cate was perched timidly on the fine leather lounge chair and kept racing to the restroom as she had a case of the "McGurggles," except that this time the McGurggles were not caused from an indulgence of fast food but rather the spicy curry-love of The Oven, one of Lincoln's Indian restaurants. Sam and I were giggling like children at Cate's predicament, and Cate, not wanting to cut the evening short, put on a brave face going to and from the restroom. To ease her shame, I told her how a couple of weeks ago I had my hair done at an upscale salon, well as upscale as you can get in Lincoln, but still pretty fancy. When paying the bill, the dark and stormy male receptionist asked me to fill out a new customer conact information sheet. I obliged and began scrawling away until I noticed half-way down the page that I was leaving a trail of blood and had forgotton to dot a couple of "I"s. I let the "I"s off the hook and examined my hand and noticed that a paper cut from the previous day had bursted open from the slight pressure of the pen in my hand. I was mortified and tried to rub away the blood, well actually it was more of a smear around my hand. But still, I thought this might look less conspicuous. (I know this seems silly but it's all I had). So I'm fidgeting around while the receptionist finishes processing my credit card. I hand him my contact sheet and mention casually, "Oh, there's seems to be a smudge on there," as he eyes it suspiciously. At least I didn't start bleeding until he had already punched in the amount on the credit card machine. If I were him, I might have included a clean-up fee on the ticket.

The Good Shepherd

A neighbor died over the weekend. Her 3 year-old nuetered/male German Shepherd slid open the window and broke out the screen on her 2nd floor apartment. He is now homeless and temporarily staying with me. He's a great dog who is looking for a great companion to take care of him. Let me know if you know of anyone who is interested. I would keep him but I already have two dogs and a cat. He loves playing with my coonhound Hank and gets along well with everyone. He is used to living indoors and is well-trained and housebroken.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

"What Does that do to you?

Does that blow your mind? That just happened."

This is what I say to our IT guy after 45 mins of him spewing out technical gobbeldy-gook about the printer problem and then I end up solving the technical crisis. The HR chic was having trouble printing on envelopes from a mail merge. Now, I too find the (microsoft office) mail merge territory to be a scary, dangerous place. So the problem is that the microsoft "wizard" leads us to believe our merge is complete and now we just press the print button when we're ready. So we press the print button and 1 of our 250 envelopes print. We try this about 10 times getting the same result. (yes, I know the definition of insanity) So IT guy starts to blame the little HP deskjet that we are trying to use. It doesn't have enough ram, you're overloading it, why aren't you using the Konica Biz Hub? So IT guy switches printers and, guess what, same problem. He's pitching a fit and I say "hey, isn't this why you make the big bucks" so we head back to the computer and I suggest looking at a print preview. Hhhmmm the pages are not scrolling from 1-250. Its only showing page 1. Could this be because the wizard didn't complete the merge? Turns out I'm right—after we close the wizard and click the "merge to printer" everything is fixed. So that's when I start my victory dance and recitation of Ricky Bobby in Talledega Nights. IT guy says he's still taking credit for my fix, because he's the IT guy and he should get all the credit.

Lesson Learned: Mail merge won't print if you didn't complete the "merge to printer."

Oh those Baristas.

Roomate Jamie and I went out to YiaYia's last night to meet up with a couple of old friends we used to work with at a local coffee shop. While we were there we ran into another former Barista, visiting from California. Angie spies him first and says "hey there's Clark, remember that time we were working the closing shift and got him wasted and then made him where our clothes." I had completely forgotten about this evening. But the picture of hard-bodied Clark, scantilly dressed in a lady's tanktop came quickly back to my memory, just as the picture of college girls giggling and wondering if he was purposely wearing ladies clothing. . .

As promised . . .

Miss Montana 2005 (picture taken October 19, 2006). If you don't recognize her she said she was blond when she competed for Miss America.

"Oh, I didn't recognize you without your sash"

A former Miss Montana is now working in my office. We requested a temporary assistant from Celebrity Staffing and we got Miss Montana. So far I really like her. I found out that she was a former Miss America contestent from her resume that was e-mailed to everyone following her hire date (this is a customary procedure at work). So when she showed up I introduced myself and said, "You must be Miss Montana" and "Can take your picture for my blog?" She laughed. I think she thought I was kidding. Stay tuned because I'm still hoping to get a picture. I wonder if she runs red lights like Miss Nebraska.

Nebraska, it really is the good life.

and here's why: David Sedaris is coming to Omaha.
Anyone else going?

In case you missed out on all the "Talk like a Pirate Day" fun this year. . .

You can be sure you're ready for next year's Sept 19.

Check out the pirate translator

and be sure to find a pirate name with the pirate name generator.

Strangers with Candy

I saw this film last night. It was everything I hoped it would be, such as awesome. I highly recommend it, especially if you enjoyed the television series.

I saw this ad on myspace

Finally, an internet dating service with some standards. Ha. Ellen, you mentioned having some difficulty finding an affordable shithole in Urbana, maybe you can find a live-in on this site:
Sugar-Daddy Finder

Lincoln-based Best Friend Position Available - now accepting applications.

My best-friend Ellen is abadoning me here in lincoln to move on to bigger and better things (she hopes). Good thing I didn't spring for the Best Friends heart lockett.

I will be needing a new lincon-based best friend. I'm looking for someone who is witty (you have big shoes to fill in this department), likes to try new things (especially fly-by-the-night Mexican "restaurants"), doesn't mind coonhounds, occasionally will accompany me to church when the mood strikes me, enjoys taking long walks (well that's more for Hank than me), enjoys consignment store / thrift store shopping, enjoys playing soccer but isn't too good, enjoys the occasional cocktail.

Must provide references and must have a proven track record of success. College degree a plus.

Blogger

I'm bored with you.

The SSDBRD (Self-Service Dead Bird Removal Department) Double-Bags It

So Jamie (my replacement hippi roommate) mentions that we have a dead bird out by the sidewalk. "Don't we need to call someone," she asks?

So I call Animal Control and get a hold of Sherry who asks me a series of questions—Name, Date of Birth, Address, location of dead bird. Then she asks me what kind of bird it is. I don't know. In fact I didn't even go and look at the dead bird, I just took Jamie's word that it was dead, thinking that would be the most important detail to this call. So I put Sherry on hold (I cover the mouthpiece of my cell phone) and ask Jamie what kind of bird it is. She doesn't know either. Sherry asks if we think it is a crow or blue-jay or sparrow. No we don't think it is. Sherry then says that she only tests crows and blue-jays and sparrows, "ok, just go ahead and double-bag it and throw it away."

Hhhmmm. Thanks for all your help Sherry this has been a deligh. . .WAIT JUST A MINUTE. I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK UP THIS DEAD BIRD? ME?? I don't think so sher-bear.

So the bird is still dead and still on my sidewalk. I'm thinking of calling back tomorrow and pretending to be someone else reporting a dead "crow-like" bird near the same address. And if I don't get any further I might call the Bat removal professionals located in the Mariposa building on 12th and G street. No doubt they will be more helpful than Sherry.

do you smell your age?

Last week my marketing department met with an outside marketing firm to discuss strategic planning (yes, this invloves "strategery") and the launching of a new product.

We tossed around the usual marketing jargon and posed some options. I was distracted from contributing my usual 100% due to the cloud of stank surrounding the visiting marketer. He appeared to be in his late sixties. He had age spots. His hair was very wiry and gray. It frizzed out from the sides and back of his head, leaving a crop-circle of sun-worn skin on top. I couldn't stop trying to pin-point the smell, but thanks to my very first job as a nursing home dietary aid, it was a smell I had encountered before.

I decided to google "why do old people smell" and this is what I came up with.

I noticed recently while chatting to an elderly fellow that old people have a distinctive smell. Babies have a distinctive smell but I attributed this to a diet of milk/formula. Why do old people smell old?

From: DigitalRadio1918 19/10/99 10:53:16
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 984
Steve This one's for you.

You said it not me.

DigitalRadio1918

Bye the way Catie is not me.

Love ya Catie.

From: Simon 19/10/99 11:50:45
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 999
They smell because they all eat dog food because of the standard of living the Howard regime left old people in. You would smell to if you ate dog food for every meal!

From: brad 19/10/99 12:45:36
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 1016
It's not dog food - it's a combination of urine and disillusionment. Chemically, it may be a precursor to formaldehyde.
I love old people. I just couldn't eat a whole one.
brad


What do old people smell of. Please pick one or add your own:

Spaghetti
Deap Heat
Wet cardboard
Wet dogs
Corned beef
Bingo halls
Fust
Melted plastic
all of the above
you'll find out soon enough
necrotizing flesh
Human Fermentation
Mold spores
Ben-Gay
Moth Balls
DEPENDS!
Vitamins and wet skin
icy hot
Teresa Heinz Kerry
death
Musty books


I guess I'm not the only one out here who has noticed this trend. Personally I think that elderly people generally have an unpleasant aroma, but its not always the same brand of unpleasantness. I think our visiting marketer was more of a discouragement/musty linens combo.