Tagging?

I'm new to this, well this blog-form anyways, if we're talking freeze tag or cartoon tag then it's game on. But here it is:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.

2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and include these rules in the post.

4. At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Ok and now for 8 random facts (in order as they come to me):

1. I actually enjoy Daniel's rendition of "Lip Gloss," in fact I heard him sing it before Lil Mama and was disappointed when I heard Lil Mama. Now that's a good cover.

2. I refuse to wear peep-toe style shoes. My big toe is slightly shorter than my other toes and since the peep toe only shows where one's big toe would typically appear, my big toe appears to be MIA.

3. I've been diagnosed with a fainting disorder. When I was younger (8-10) I fainted on a regular basis and after months of brain scans and heart monitoring test stuff, doctors were still unable to determine the cause.

4. Places I've fainted: piano recital, piano class, elevators, cars, bathroom (after stepping out of the bath I fainted and managed to give myself a black eye from the porcelain tub, which my best friend told everyone that he had given me for stepping out of line.

5. I'm scared of heights

6. I wish my hair was naturally curly

7. My mother saved two baby birds that had fallen out of their nest during a bad storm. The mother had abandoned them and so my mother scooped them up in their nest and brough them inside. She preheated the oven to the lowest temperature and placed the next on a cookie sheet in the oven (to warm the birds, not cook them). For the next couple of months she chopped up worms dug up by my brothers and I from the garden to feed the baby birds. The birds grew bigger and learned to ride on the handle bars of my bike as I pedaled us around the neighborhood.

8. I had a pet hamster who's intestines fell out of it's body. I woke up to this curious display of medical science and picked up my broken hamster to show my mom, who was still sleeping. She called the vet and took the hamster in to be examined. The vet explained the condition and also explained that surgery was a possibility but he wasn't sure of the survival odds as he did not perform many of them. When my mom relayed this to my father, his response was "of course not, because nobody takes a sick hamster to the vet."

I'll Call Him Stampy

Last week many of the directors were out of the office attending the national conference and expo hosted by our "sister" organization. There were conference calls back and forth as we got more details regarding the hostile take-over attempted on our office that has been underway for almost 12 months (Sidebar, the theme of the National Conference [chosen by our sister organization] is World Domination Tour 2007). After an hour-long conference call, the office executive administer asked us"So, anything exciting happening back there?"


A little background and a rewind to ealier that week. Background: To the immediate rear of our office property is a nature reserve that stretches north, south and east for several miles. We regulary see a small variety of wildlife passing through. At this point the Human/Resources facility person usually announces on the intercom that there is a _______(insert adjective here i.e., cute, quick, lively, little)________(another adjective i.e., brown, multi-colored, large, small)_______(insert noun here i.e., fox, deer, goose, raccoon, duck) outside of ________(insert location, i.e., Scott's office, the conference room). At this point some of us rush to the window to see the wildlife and some even keep binoculars handy to get a closer look.

So earlier that week my office neighbor Heather points out the window and says, "hey is that a tent?" Sure enough, way off into the distance is a modest but brightly colored tent. There is a man who resembles the viral marketing director for chaps ralph lauren sitting a little ways away from the tent. Scott pulls out the binoculars to further investigate.

"Ahhhhhhhhh," Scott rips the binoculars away, "my eyes, my eyes." Turns out we have caught the visitor in a not-so-private act of defocation, which explains the squatting. I'm tempted to pick up the intercom line and announce that there is a homely stranger relieving himself outside of Scott's office. I decide against using the intercom but quickly go to the closest office to announce our guest. Pretty soon there is a small crowd gathered in Scott's office. "What's he doing now?" "Wait, where did he go, I can't see him."

Fastfoward to the conference call with the office administrator later that week. "So, anything exciting happening back there?" Second in command, the exam director, replies with "Actually we have a homeless guy living out back and we're feeding him donuts."

But the next day we arrive to see that Stampy is packing up the tent. I wonder where he will go. I've gotten attached to him these last few days and truly I'm sad that he is leaving us. Maybe he will come back. If you love something you have to set it free . . .

I love Wal-Mart

Reason #37

A couple of weeks ago I decided to return some drapes that I had impulse bought a few days before. I hadn't even hung them to see if I like them or not when buyer's remorse was already setting in. I gathered up the bag and headed to Wal-Mart mid-morning on a Saturday.

I love Wal-Mart for the cultural experience, (especially the cultural experience found at the N. 27th street location) and that's why I chose mid-morning on a Saturday to do my returning. I head to customer service and see that the line is curling out of the customer service cave and spilling into the main front aisle. Doesn't worry me. I've got nothing but time and an entire store full of prime people-watching candidates. I'm about 10th in line when a petite woman in her late fifties takes her place behind me.

"Whoa, what a line!" she says.
I reply with, "oh yeah, Saturday morning though, everybody's out."
"Do you think they can look up my store card?" she asks.
"Hmmm, I don't know" (I didn't even know Wal-Mart offered a store card).
"I have an account, but I can't find the card and I need to charge my shopping today."
"oh, hmm, I'm not sure if the can do that or not."
"They look up my account at Sears"
"oh."
"All the time, even"
"oh."
"Well, it doesn't matter. I'm filing for bankruptcy next month anyways."
"oh."
"I just can't find a job as good as the last one."
Finally something I felt I could add a little more to than just 'oh'. "Well, the job market is tight right now, I have friends that are looking for jobs."
"Well, they fired me from my last job because they don't think I'm over my granddaughter being murdered."
"oh." (I'm back to the ohs, but inside my head I'm shouting "holy crap lady!").
"My daughter's boyfriend murdered her, NOT the baby's father — he's in jail. He never even knew Alli existed."
"oh."
"It's because of those projects she was living in, in Omaha."
(I wasn't aware of any "projects" in Omaha.) "oh," I reply.
"A lot of B-L-A-C-K-Ss," she spells.
Now I look around in horror. This woman has a voice that carries and I smile nervously at the black shoppers ahead and behind me in line. I'm hoping that my facial expressions convey that I don't know this woman, I just met her, and I LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.


I chose this as Reason #37 because I was inspired by a beer billboard on West "O" that reads Golden Rule Number 23: Never have rims that are worth more than your car. I like that billboard. And I like the silliness of starting with #23. At least I haven't seen 1-22 anywhere around town. So I'm starting off my I love Wal-Mart series with #37.

Tech Support

I recently spoke with Dish Network regarding my account. I can't even explain it, too frustrating. So, for the nuts and bolts of the story: I call and ask about a mysterious item (charge) on my statement, and because there is no scripted answer for my question, I get a scripted answer to every question except mine. I cancelled my service. My current service provider is my antenna. I'm loving every minute of it. Seriously. There's too many channels out there and now that I don't have them I find that I didn't really need them after all. So liberating. I recommend it.

FOAMY

Friday, 6:13 in the "P" "M"

ok, i'm about to cry, I rode my bike home from work and one of my wedged espadrilles fell out of my backpack. Actually I have the car of African-Americans to thank for informing me that my backpack zipper was half unzipped. They kept honking at me and I tried to ignore them for a block, thinking it was just your average white female heckling/cat calling in T-town, but thanks to them that's when I noticed a shoe was missing. So I turn around and head back the 6 miles to my office, never finding the missing shoe, and now I type teary-eyed before riding home. It's ok, they're just shoes, I tell myself. Then I answer myself with "no they're not, damn it. NO THEY ARE NOT."

The Office (part 2)

So when the exam director returns from vacation, what does she have for her hard-working assistants? Fancy new pens, pencils and post-it notes!

the office

The exam director was on vacation all last week. Things I find interesting about her: She has an aversion to all condiments (ketchup, mustard, mayo, relish, ranch, etc.) I once asked her how she can eat a dry sandwich. She said she butters the bread (yuk!). She also refuses to write with yellow number two pencils and yellow post-it notes. Her aversion here is not directed toward the color yellow, but toward things that are ordinary. She likes bright and bold inks and pencils with flair.

So while the exam director is on vacation her assistants decide to confiscate her collection of fancy pens and pencils and brightly colored post-it notes. They come to me for help in creating a ransom note poster (as a graphic designer I get these kinds of requests all the time). My first suggestion was to go old-school and cut out letters from magazines. They didn't have the patience for that, so my next suggestion was to Google it. I was surprise to find a "ransom-note generator" available, and even more surprised to find that there are many. Who new there was such a demand?

Here's one I made:

I really like the choice of white or yellow paper on this one

So get to ransom-ing!

HTML Help Please!

Ok, so I thought maybe I'd switch my template out. I'm regretting it now, but I didn't have the forsight to save my old template incase this little adventure didn't work out. Moving on. You'll notice that my links, profile, archives, that used to appear to the right of the top postings has now moved to the bottom of my page. If you didn't notice, go ahead and scroll to the bottom of my page. Go ahead, I'll wait . . .

Why did this happen? I don't know because the pre-designed template I chose showed these elements in the same location as my old blog template. "No problem," I say to myself. After all, I have taken Web Page Design 1 from Northeast Community College. "I'll just go into the html editor and move the elements myself." When I go into the HTML editor the links are no where to be found, so why are they showing up on the bottom of my page at alL? Weird. Suggestions anyone?

http://www.scarymonkey.net/movies/2pacbarney.php

Hank: So many squirrels, so little time.


Slade: Always watch out for #1 (but don't step in #2 either)

Recommendation: Chuck Norris Widgets.

For those of you using a mac, I highly recommend the Chuck Norris Facts Widget. For those of you not using a Mac, I don't know where to begin . . .

Samples:

Chuck Noris has two speeds: Walk, and Kill

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a chucktatorship.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Some people wear superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Things That Irritate Me (here's one — more to come)

Joint e-mail addresses for married couples. Example: soandso_plus_soandso@somewhere.com. I expect married couples to share things like minutes in their cellular plans, the newspaper, a sandwich. But sharing e-mails? Why? Is it a trust issue? Is it too much trouble to have to forward an e-mail on to a spouse? Are you three-way calling everyone as well? These are my questions.

King Kong: Home of the All-American Gyro

So I'm driving back from the boats on a Saturday night. My friend and I decided to stop for dinner. We argued over where and finally settled on a restaurant that neither of us had ever been to. I was sucked in by the dozen gorillas — ranging from very small to larger than life — resting in the front lawn. My friend was lured in by the 2 lb. Kong Burger listed on the sign that the larger than life Gorilla was holding. I ordered a vegetarian gyro. This was my first ever gyro, so I have no other gyro experience to compare with. This one came with American cheese, which I thought was odd, but again what do I know about gyro ingredients. It was tasty, and who doesn't love gorilla lawn ornaments? I give it 4 stars (that's 4 out of 4 stars for anyone who's wondering why not five?)

Belief-O-Matic

So I took the old Belief-O-Matic quizz, forwarded to me by my brother, and was interested to learn that my leanings are 100% Quaker Orthodox. I'm still 91% SDA, I don't know if that would make my mom proud or disappointed, since it was still 3rd place, behind the Quakers and the Mormons. I'm wondering how I ranked so high on the Mormon scale. I don't remember any questions that asked "how would you feel about being a part of your husband's harem, including (but not limited too) 14+ other wives." What else are they known for? Oh yea, "how would you like to go door to door in pairs and try to save some souls?". Nope, I don't remember that one either.


Your Results:


The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.






1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (94%)
3. Seventh Day Adventist (91%)
4. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (89%)
5. Jehovah's Witness (87%)
6. Bahá'í Faith (80%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
8. Orthodox Judaism (75%)
9. Eastern Orthodox (73%)
10. Roman Catholic (73%)
11. Liberal Quakers (70%)
12. Jainism (65%)
13. Islam (63%)
14. Theravada Buddhism (61%)
15. Mahayana Buddhism (61%)
16. Hinduism (60%)
17. Sikhism (58%)
18. Unitarian Universalism (48%)
19. Reform Judaism (47%)
20. Neo-Pagan (45%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (44%)
22. New Age (36%)
23. Taoism (34%)
24. Secular Humanism (34%)
25. Scientology (25%)
26. Nontheist (24%)
27. New Thought (24%)

Arrrrghhh

Why does the night cleaning guy have to put my trashcan in a different area in my office everytime he cleans? Cause dagnabbit, I'm tired of hunting for it every other day when I have a snotty tissue in my hand. It's going to be a yeasty day at the office today.

Embarassing Moments

I was kickin' it with Cate and Sam last night. We drove accross town to the venue for drinks. Why? I do not know because the roads were icy, and when we arrived, we found the coctails to be obscenely overpriced. But you can't put a price on good friends and good stories. Cate was perched timidly on the fine leather lounge chair and kept racing to the restroom as she had a case of the "McGurggles," except that this time the McGurggles were not caused from an indulgence of fast food but rather the spicy curry-love of The Oven, one of Lincoln's Indian restaurants. Sam and I were giggling like children at Cate's predicament, and Cate, not wanting to cut the evening short, put on a brave face going to and from the restroom. To ease her shame, I told her how a couple of weeks ago I had my hair done at an upscale salon, well as upscale as you can get in Lincoln, but still pretty fancy. When paying the bill, the dark and stormy male receptionist asked me to fill out a new customer conact information sheet. I obliged and began scrawling away until I noticed half-way down the page that I was leaving a trail of blood and had forgotton to dot a couple of "I"s. I let the "I"s off the hook and examined my hand and noticed that a paper cut from the previous day had bursted open from the slight pressure of the pen in my hand. I was mortified and tried to rub away the blood, well actually it was more of a smear around my hand. But still, I thought this might look less conspicuous. (I know this seems silly but it's all I had). So I'm fidgeting around while the receptionist finishes processing my credit card. I hand him my contact sheet and mention casually, "Oh, there's seems to be a smudge on there," as he eyes it suspiciously. At least I didn't start bleeding until he had already punched in the amount on the credit card machine. If I were him, I might have included a clean-up fee on the ticket.

The Good Shepherd

A neighbor died over the weekend. Her 3 year-old nuetered/male German Shepherd slid open the window and broke out the screen on her 2nd floor apartment. He is now homeless and temporarily staying with me. He's a great dog who is looking for a great companion to take care of him. Let me know if you know of anyone who is interested. I would keep him but I already have two dogs and a cat. He loves playing with my coonhound Hank and gets along well with everyone. He is used to living indoors and is well-trained and housebroken.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

"What Does that do to you?

Does that blow your mind? That just happened."

This is what I say to our IT guy after 45 mins of him spewing out technical gobbeldy-gook about the printer problem and then I end up solving the technical crisis. The HR chic was having trouble printing on envelopes from a mail merge. Now, I too find the (microsoft office) mail merge territory to be a scary, dangerous place. So the problem is that the microsoft "wizard" leads us to believe our merge is complete and now we just press the print button when we're ready. So we press the print button and 1 of our 250 envelopes print. We try this about 10 times getting the same result. (yes, I know the definition of insanity) So IT guy starts to blame the little HP deskjet that we are trying to use. It doesn't have enough ram, you're overloading it, why aren't you using the Konica Biz Hub? So IT guy switches printers and, guess what, same problem. He's pitching a fit and I say "hey, isn't this why you make the big bucks" so we head back to the computer and I suggest looking at a print preview. Hhhmmm the pages are not scrolling from 1-250. Its only showing page 1. Could this be because the wizard didn't complete the merge? Turns out I'm right—after we close the wizard and click the "merge to printer" everything is fixed. So that's when I start my victory dance and recitation of Ricky Bobby in Talledega Nights. IT guy says he's still taking credit for my fix, because he's the IT guy and he should get all the credit.

Lesson Learned: Mail merge won't print if you didn't complete the "merge to printer."