the office

The exam director was on vacation all last week. Things I find interesting about her: She has an aversion to all condiments (ketchup, mustard, mayo, relish, ranch, etc.) I once asked her how she can eat a dry sandwich. She said she butters the bread (yuk!). She also refuses to write with yellow number two pencils and yellow post-it notes. Her aversion here is not directed toward the color yellow, but toward things that are ordinary. She likes bright and bold inks and pencils with flair.

So while the exam director is on vacation her assistants decide to confiscate her collection of fancy pens and pencils and brightly colored post-it notes. They come to me for help in creating a ransom note poster (as a graphic designer I get these kinds of requests all the time). My first suggestion was to go old-school and cut out letters from magazines. They didn't have the patience for that, so my next suggestion was to Google it. I was surprise to find a "ransom-note generator" available, and even more surprised to find that there are many. Who new there was such a demand?

Here's one I made:

I really like the choice of white or yellow paper on this one

So get to ransom-ing!

HTML Help Please!

Ok, so I thought maybe I'd switch my template out. I'm regretting it now, but I didn't have the forsight to save my old template incase this little adventure didn't work out. Moving on. You'll notice that my links, profile, archives, that used to appear to the right of the top postings has now moved to the bottom of my page. If you didn't notice, go ahead and scroll to the bottom of my page. Go ahead, I'll wait . . .

Why did this happen? I don't know because the pre-designed template I chose showed these elements in the same location as my old blog template. "No problem," I say to myself. After all, I have taken Web Page Design 1 from Northeast Community College. "I'll just go into the html editor and move the elements myself." When I go into the HTML editor the links are no where to be found, so why are they showing up on the bottom of my page at alL? Weird. Suggestions anyone?

http://www.scarymonkey.net/movies/2pacbarney.php

Hank: So many squirrels, so little time.


Slade: Always watch out for #1 (but don't step in #2 either)

Recommendation: Chuck Norris Widgets.

For those of you using a mac, I highly recommend the Chuck Norris Facts Widget. For those of you not using a Mac, I don't know where to begin . . .

Samples:

Chuck Noris has two speeds: Walk, and Kill

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a chucktatorship.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Some people wear superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Things That Irritate Me (here's one — more to come)

Joint e-mail addresses for married couples. Example: soandso_plus_soandso@somewhere.com. I expect married couples to share things like minutes in their cellular plans, the newspaper, a sandwich. But sharing e-mails? Why? Is it a trust issue? Is it too much trouble to have to forward an e-mail on to a spouse? Are you three-way calling everyone as well? These are my questions.

King Kong: Home of the All-American Gyro

So I'm driving back from the boats on a Saturday night. My friend and I decided to stop for dinner. We argued over where and finally settled on a restaurant that neither of us had ever been to. I was sucked in by the dozen gorillas — ranging from very small to larger than life — resting in the front lawn. My friend was lured in by the 2 lb. Kong Burger listed on the sign that the larger than life Gorilla was holding. I ordered a vegetarian gyro. This was my first ever gyro, so I have no other gyro experience to compare with. This one came with American cheese, which I thought was odd, but again what do I know about gyro ingredients. It was tasty, and who doesn't love gorilla lawn ornaments? I give it 4 stars (that's 4 out of 4 stars for anyone who's wondering why not five?)

Belief-O-Matic

So I took the old Belief-O-Matic quizz, forwarded to me by my brother, and was interested to learn that my leanings are 100% Quaker Orthodox. I'm still 91% SDA, I don't know if that would make my mom proud or disappointed, since it was still 3rd place, behind the Quakers and the Mormons. I'm wondering how I ranked so high on the Mormon scale. I don't remember any questions that asked "how would you feel about being a part of your husband's harem, including (but not limited too) 14+ other wives." What else are they known for? Oh yea, "how would you like to go door to door in pairs and try to save some souls?". Nope, I don't remember that one either.


Your Results:


The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.






1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (94%)
3. Seventh Day Adventist (91%)
4. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (89%)
5. Jehovah's Witness (87%)
6. Bahá'í Faith (80%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
8. Orthodox Judaism (75%)
9. Eastern Orthodox (73%)
10. Roman Catholic (73%)
11. Liberal Quakers (70%)
12. Jainism (65%)
13. Islam (63%)
14. Theravada Buddhism (61%)
15. Mahayana Buddhism (61%)
16. Hinduism (60%)
17. Sikhism (58%)
18. Unitarian Universalism (48%)
19. Reform Judaism (47%)
20. Neo-Pagan (45%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (44%)
22. New Age (36%)
23. Taoism (34%)
24. Secular Humanism (34%)
25. Scientology (25%)
26. Nontheist (24%)
27. New Thought (24%)

Arrrrghhh

Why does the night cleaning guy have to put my trashcan in a different area in my office everytime he cleans? Cause dagnabbit, I'm tired of hunting for it every other day when I have a snotty tissue in my hand. It's going to be a yeasty day at the office today.

Embarassing Moments

I was kickin' it with Cate and Sam last night. We drove accross town to the venue for drinks. Why? I do not know because the roads were icy, and when we arrived, we found the coctails to be obscenely overpriced. But you can't put a price on good friends and good stories. Cate was perched timidly on the fine leather lounge chair and kept racing to the restroom as she had a case of the "McGurggles," except that this time the McGurggles were not caused from an indulgence of fast food but rather the spicy curry-love of The Oven, one of Lincoln's Indian restaurants. Sam and I were giggling like children at Cate's predicament, and Cate, not wanting to cut the evening short, put on a brave face going to and from the restroom. To ease her shame, I told her how a couple of weeks ago I had my hair done at an upscale salon, well as upscale as you can get in Lincoln, but still pretty fancy. When paying the bill, the dark and stormy male receptionist asked me to fill out a new customer conact information sheet. I obliged and began scrawling away until I noticed half-way down the page that I was leaving a trail of blood and had forgotton to dot a couple of "I"s. I let the "I"s off the hook and examined my hand and noticed that a paper cut from the previous day had bursted open from the slight pressure of the pen in my hand. I was mortified and tried to rub away the blood, well actually it was more of a smear around my hand. But still, I thought this might look less conspicuous. (I know this seems silly but it's all I had). So I'm fidgeting around while the receptionist finishes processing my credit card. I hand him my contact sheet and mention casually, "Oh, there's seems to be a smudge on there," as he eyes it suspiciously. At least I didn't start bleeding until he had already punched in the amount on the credit card machine. If I were him, I might have included a clean-up fee on the ticket.

The Good Shepherd

A neighbor died over the weekend. Her 3 year-old nuetered/male German Shepherd slid open the window and broke out the screen on her 2nd floor apartment. He is now homeless and temporarily staying with me. He's a great dog who is looking for a great companion to take care of him. Let me know if you know of anyone who is interested. I would keep him but I already have two dogs and a cat. He loves playing with my coonhound Hank and gets along well with everyone. He is used to living indoors and is well-trained and housebroken.

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

"What Does that do to you?

Does that blow your mind? That just happened."

This is what I say to our IT guy after 45 mins of him spewing out technical gobbeldy-gook about the printer problem and then I end up solving the technical crisis. The HR chic was having trouble printing on envelopes from a mail merge. Now, I too find the (microsoft office) mail merge territory to be a scary, dangerous place. So the problem is that the microsoft "wizard" leads us to believe our merge is complete and now we just press the print button when we're ready. So we press the print button and 1 of our 250 envelopes print. We try this about 10 times getting the same result. (yes, I know the definition of insanity) So IT guy starts to blame the little HP deskjet that we are trying to use. It doesn't have enough ram, you're overloading it, why aren't you using the Konica Biz Hub? So IT guy switches printers and, guess what, same problem. He's pitching a fit and I say "hey, isn't this why you make the big bucks" so we head back to the computer and I suggest looking at a print preview. Hhhmmm the pages are not scrolling from 1-250. Its only showing page 1. Could this be because the wizard didn't complete the merge? Turns out I'm right—after we close the wizard and click the "merge to printer" everything is fixed. So that's when I start my victory dance and recitation of Ricky Bobby in Talledega Nights. IT guy says he's still taking credit for my fix, because he's the IT guy and he should get all the credit.

Lesson Learned: Mail merge won't print if you didn't complete the "merge to printer."

Oh those Baristas.

Roomate Jamie and I went out to YiaYia's last night to meet up with a couple of old friends we used to work with at a local coffee shop. While we were there we ran into another former Barista, visiting from California. Angie spies him first and says "hey there's Clark, remember that time we were working the closing shift and got him wasted and then made him where our clothes." I had completely forgotten about this evening. But the picture of hard-bodied Clark, scantilly dressed in a lady's tanktop came quickly back to my memory, just as the picture of college girls giggling and wondering if he was purposely wearing ladies clothing. . .

As promised . . .

Miss Montana 2005 (picture taken October 19, 2006). If you don't recognize her she said she was blond when she competed for Miss America.

"Oh, I didn't recognize you without your sash"

A former Miss Montana is now working in my office. We requested a temporary assistant from Celebrity Staffing and we got Miss Montana. So far I really like her. I found out that she was a former Miss America contestent from her resume that was e-mailed to everyone following her hire date (this is a customary procedure at work). So when she showed up I introduced myself and said, "You must be Miss Montana" and "Can take your picture for my blog?" She laughed. I think she thought I was kidding. Stay tuned because I'm still hoping to get a picture. I wonder if she runs red lights like Miss Nebraska.

Nebraska, it really is the good life.

and here's why: David Sedaris is coming to Omaha.
Anyone else going?

In case you missed out on all the "Talk like a Pirate Day" fun this year. . .

You can be sure you're ready for next year's Sept 19.

Check out the pirate translator

and be sure to find a pirate name with the pirate name generator.

Strangers with Candy

I saw this film last night. It was everything I hoped it would be, such as awesome. I highly recommend it, especially if you enjoyed the television series.