Oh those Baristas.

Roomate Jamie and I went out to YiaYia's last night to meet up with a couple of old friends we used to work with at a local coffee shop. While we were there we ran into another former Barista, visiting from California. Angie spies him first and says "hey there's Clark, remember that time we were working the closing shift and got him wasted and then made him where our clothes." I had completely forgotten about this evening. But the picture of hard-bodied Clark, scantilly dressed in a lady's tanktop came quickly back to my memory, just as the picture of college girls giggling and wondering if he was purposely wearing ladies clothing. . .

As promised . . .

Miss Montana 2005 (picture taken October 19, 2006). If you don't recognize her she said she was blond when she competed for Miss America.

"Oh, I didn't recognize you without your sash"

A former Miss Montana is now working in my office. We requested a temporary assistant from Celebrity Staffing and we got Miss Montana. So far I really like her. I found out that she was a former Miss America contestent from her resume that was e-mailed to everyone following her hire date (this is a customary procedure at work). So when she showed up I introduced myself and said, "You must be Miss Montana" and "Can take your picture for my blog?" She laughed. I think she thought I was kidding. Stay tuned because I'm still hoping to get a picture. I wonder if she runs red lights like Miss Nebraska.

Nebraska, it really is the good life.

and here's why: David Sedaris is coming to Omaha.
Anyone else going?

In case you missed out on all the "Talk like a Pirate Day" fun this year. . .

You can be sure you're ready for next year's Sept 19.

Check out the pirate translator

and be sure to find a pirate name with the pirate name generator.

Strangers with Candy

I saw this film last night. It was everything I hoped it would be, such as awesome. I highly recommend it, especially if you enjoyed the television series.

I saw this ad on myspace

Finally, an internet dating service with some standards. Ha. Ellen, you mentioned having some difficulty finding an affordable shithole in Urbana, maybe you can find a live-in on this site:
Sugar-Daddy Finder

Lincoln-based Best Friend Position Available - now accepting applications.

My best-friend Ellen is abadoning me here in lincoln to move on to bigger and better things (she hopes). Good thing I didn't spring for the Best Friends heart lockett.

I will be needing a new lincon-based best friend. I'm looking for someone who is witty (you have big shoes to fill in this department), likes to try new things (especially fly-by-the-night Mexican "restaurants"), doesn't mind coonhounds, occasionally will accompany me to church when the mood strikes me, enjoys taking long walks (well that's more for Hank than me), enjoys consignment store / thrift store shopping, enjoys playing soccer but isn't too good, enjoys the occasional cocktail.

Must provide references and must have a proven track record of success. College degree a plus.

Blogger

I'm bored with you.

The SSDBRD (Self-Service Dead Bird Removal Department) Double-Bags It

So Jamie (my replacement hippi roommate) mentions that we have a dead bird out by the sidewalk. "Don't we need to call someone," she asks?

So I call Animal Control and get a hold of Sherry who asks me a series of questions—Name, Date of Birth, Address, location of dead bird. Then she asks me what kind of bird it is. I don't know. In fact I didn't even go and look at the dead bird, I just took Jamie's word that it was dead, thinking that would be the most important detail to this call. So I put Sherry on hold (I cover the mouthpiece of my cell phone) and ask Jamie what kind of bird it is. She doesn't know either. Sherry asks if we think it is a crow or blue-jay or sparrow. No we don't think it is. Sherry then says that she only tests crows and blue-jays and sparrows, "ok, just go ahead and double-bag it and throw it away."

Hhhmmm. Thanks for all your help Sherry this has been a deligh. . .WAIT JUST A MINUTE. I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK UP THIS DEAD BIRD? ME?? I don't think so sher-bear.

So the bird is still dead and still on my sidewalk. I'm thinking of calling back tomorrow and pretending to be someone else reporting a dead "crow-like" bird near the same address. And if I don't get any further I might call the Bat removal professionals located in the Mariposa building on 12th and G street. No doubt they will be more helpful than Sherry.

do you smell your age?

Last week my marketing department met with an outside marketing firm to discuss strategic planning (yes, this invloves "strategery") and the launching of a new product.

We tossed around the usual marketing jargon and posed some options. I was distracted from contributing my usual 100% due to the cloud of stank surrounding the visiting marketer. He appeared to be in his late sixties. He had age spots. His hair was very wiry and gray. It frizzed out from the sides and back of his head, leaving a crop-circle of sun-worn skin on top. I couldn't stop trying to pin-point the smell, but thanks to my very first job as a nursing home dietary aid, it was a smell I had encountered before.

I decided to google "why do old people smell" and this is what I came up with.

I noticed recently while chatting to an elderly fellow that old people have a distinctive smell. Babies have a distinctive smell but I attributed this to a diet of milk/formula. Why do old people smell old?

From: DigitalRadio1918 19/10/99 10:53:16
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 984
Steve This one's for you.

You said it not me.

DigitalRadio1918

Bye the way Catie is not me.

Love ya Catie.

From: Simon 19/10/99 11:50:45
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 999
They smell because they all eat dog food because of the standard of living the Howard regime left old people in. You would smell to if you ate dog food for every meal!

From: brad 19/10/99 12:45:36
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 1016
It's not dog food - it's a combination of urine and disillusionment. Chemically, it may be a precursor to formaldehyde.
I love old people. I just couldn't eat a whole one.
brad


What do old people smell of. Please pick one or add your own:

Spaghetti
Deap Heat
Wet cardboard
Wet dogs
Corned beef
Bingo halls
Fust
Melted plastic
all of the above
you'll find out soon enough
necrotizing flesh
Human Fermentation
Mold spores
Ben-Gay
Moth Balls
DEPENDS!
Vitamins and wet skin
icy hot
Teresa Heinz Kerry
death
Musty books


I guess I'm not the only one out here who has noticed this trend. Personally I think that elderly people generally have an unpleasant aroma, but its not always the same brand of unpleasantness. I think our visiting marketer was more of a discouragement/musty linens combo.

World, here you go.

YOU HAD OSO WITH OUT ME?

Karen says: (12:33:16 PM)
I almost called you but I was going to the dog run and eating on the way and I know you probably wouldn't want to go to the dog run.

Karen says: (12:33:27 PM)
I onlly wish the OSO was a little less expensive.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:43 PM)
well.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:46 PM)
you pay for what you get.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:54 PM)
deliciousness.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:34:03 PM)
and no stomach ache afterwards.

Karen says: (12:34:15 PM)
but i feel that it is on the same level as the veggie from de leons, and de leons is cheaper.

Karen says: (12:34:36 PM)
plus they have the lard included in the purchase price

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:34:38 PM)
i think they are pretty different.

Karen says: (12:34:46 PM)
different but equal in quality

Karen says: (12:35:17 PM)
both large, both delicious

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:35:23 PM)
i wouldn't say equal in quality of ingredients. or cleverness in putting things together.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:35:49 PM)
de leon's fulfills the greasy fast food niche and OSO moves up to casual dining.

Karen says: (12:36:42 PM)
Is OSO organic? If they were then I would say they should be more expensive. Oso moves into casual dining only by dining ambiance within establishment. Since I got the OSO to go, they are on the same level.

Karen says: (12:37:21 PM)
If OSO used a lard tortilla I would relinquish a point for cleverness in putting things together.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:24 PM)
i don't know if htey're organic. they use better ingredients, hands down.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:44 PM)
but moving on.

Karen says: (12:37:45 PM)
not if they're shopping at super saver with the greatful bread proprietors.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:53 PM)
well, you don't know that.

Karen says: (12:38:01 PM)
neither do you!

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:38:09 PM)
moving on!

Karen says: (12:38:23 PM)
i think we should open this discussion up to the blogger community (lincoln based, that is)

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:38:48 PM)
why not open it up to the world!

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:10 PM)
but scott would say he likes chipotle the best.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:21 PM)
and chipotle doesn't count because it's not local. and then there's the argument about that.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:37 PM)
have you checked my blog lately?

Team Phartman (pronounced fartman)

I'd like to report that Team Phartman (that's "P" for Parks and "Hartman" for er, Hartman) has been steadily improving their cornhole/Joe Dummy/Bean bag skills. I'd like to give a shout out to Ben Yancer who really boosted my corn-hole self-confidence.

Look out for Thursday, as "it will have been broughten."

Crazy dog lady

My mom came to visit last weekend. She brought her dogs, Autumn (german shepherd), Holiday (boxer mix). Sid (pit bull) didn't make the trip because he's too obnoxious.

The dogs played in the yard together and the kids next door came over to pet them. My mom said "so are you known as the dog lady in your neighborhood?" I laughed, this is what my mom is known as by the neighborhood kids near her house.

"No, I don't think so, thank goodness."

But then yesterday I was filling up the lexus (no dogs) at the BP station on south and 17th. I went in to pay for my gas and the woman ahead of me in line said hi and smiled warmly. I said hi back. Then she said, "are you the girl with the hound dogs on Sumner?"

I laughed, "yeah that's me."

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Heidi Leather Heat

I received this handy chart from a former co-worker, it's fun but I usually rely on the "name of your first pet + Mom's maiden name" for determining my stripper name.


See what your stripper name will be, and share it with your friends:

1. Use the last letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = Fantasia
b = Lovely
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the first letter of your middle name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

I'm addicted

I can't keep myself from checking myspace anytime I'm near a computer. I've been found by a few former coworkers from my very first job (at 14) when I worked as a dietary aid at St. Leonard Center in Dayton, OH. A few old k-12 classmates have found me as well, my page is probably also been viewed by vice-busy body Linda Becker, who I learned has been fretting over the evils of myspace. She's compiling a stack of Union College students that have posted unsavory content. (I don't think she wants to admit it but I think she likes that myspace gives her a new way to apprehend wayward Union College students). I'm probably lying in a pile of printouts on her desk, but I'm told that she doesn't concern herself with the alumni. Right, maybe not now, but she has summer vacation fast approaching and I'm guessing that she will have a little more spare time on her hands. Anyway Linda, I think you shouldn't be so harsh on myspace. I appreciate my good friends Steve Zisou and Ellen White dropping by. In Fact, Ellen White left a comment wishing me a happy Sabbath just yesterday. What's wrong with that?

Scott, I was thinking we should e-mail Ellen White and get her to send a friend request to Linda, I noticed Linda didn't have many friends.

Yikes! need your help!

So an update on my personal life:

You remember J-Dawg, I was crazy about him like 3 months ago, now I'm not so crazy about him and I need a plan for us to break-up. And recently separating looks to be a bit more complicated since he lost his job due to fratenizing with one of the volunteers (me) at the animal shelter he managed. So I told him he could move in with me. What the hell was I thinking. He's driving me crazy. All those little quirks that used to be cute, definitely annoying me now. I thought it was cute that he was so affectionate and always wanted to hold me tight. Now I am being squeezed to death. But I feel a little guilty since it is only since he met me that he has become homeless/jobless. I don't like feeling that I may have ruined someone's life.

On another note today I got an e-mail myspace message from an old friend. This old friend mentioned that he and his wife yadda yadda yadda, and I have to admit my heart sank a little. I totally had a crush on him, and even though I haven't thought about him for years, I think I still have a crush on him. Oh well... that's life, which only made me more depressed about the perfectly nice guy I have waiting for me at home but only drives me crazy, and not in the good way.

More Products We Love: Formal Complaints!

I've been introduced to the wonderful world of complaint-filing. Thanks to my friend Jeff who had been surprised by a voicemail left by Officer "D", saying, "we need to talk." Why would officer "D" need to talk to my friend Jeff? Turns out Jeff's doubles partner for the Lincoln Tennis Association is a little crazy. Jeff admitted to being a little growchy at the last match, and he felt bad about it so he contacted his doubles partner later via e-mail and appologized for his growchy beavior. Crazy doubles partner then filed a complaint with the Lincoln Police Department, outlining the fact that jeff played poorly and then forced his e-ppology on her.

I had no idea you could file a complaint for this type of thing, and I assume if this is an acceptable complaint, the parameters are pretty wide. So I'd like to file a complaint against Daniel because he played too well during our cornhole match on Sat. I will also be filing this complaint against Scott and Serhiy, who also played better than me. Ellen don't worry, you're in the clear.

The good news is that Jeff won't have to worry about any more awkward tennis matches in the near future. I guess his crazy doubles partner will be moving back to Dallas next month because she has found it difficult to make friends here in lincoln. I can't imagine why.

Daniel, Scott, Serhiy: You're on Notice!

Well Bryant this makes for two times that I've thought of you today

The first being the corn pancakes with blueberry-orange syrup recipe that I said I would mail to you weeks ago. (I mailed it tonight).

The second is from this picture. It looked like something you might think to rig up, in a pinch.

Don't miss this deal !
This is not a joke. I verified it on the urban legends websites...

You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

Super Saver
Wal-Mart
Russ' Market
Sam's Club
Target
Shopko

It's Random Products Review Time!

Products we love:

Cap'n Crunch. I had this cereal for the first time this week. Since I was out of my Organic Cocoa Koala Crisp from the co-op I decided to mooch some of Jamie's Cap'n crunch. Sweet. Corn-y. Stays crunchy in soy milk. Delicious.

Dr. Bonner's Pure Castille Soap (pepermint). I normally get Dr. Bonner's Pure Castille soap in the almond variety, but since the new job came with earlier hours I've been feeling a little sluggish in the mornings and thought that the pepermint might pep me up a little. It did. I found out though that the pepermint pep is a little to peppy when washing intimate areas of the body. Just a word of caution. I found this out when I ran out of my Johnson and Johnson's 1/3 body lotion baby wash which I generally use for more delicate washing terrain.

Products we hate:

State Troopers with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than pull people over leaving the Golden Eagle casino at 6 miles over the speed limit in a test drive vehicle.