I saw this ad on myspace

Finally, an internet dating service with some standards. Ha. Ellen, you mentioned having some difficulty finding an affordable shithole in Urbana, maybe you can find a live-in on this site:
Sugar-Daddy Finder

Lincoln-based Best Friend Position Available - now accepting applications.

My best-friend Ellen is abadoning me here in lincoln to move on to bigger and better things (she hopes). Good thing I didn't spring for the Best Friends heart lockett.

I will be needing a new lincon-based best friend. I'm looking for someone who is witty (you have big shoes to fill in this department), likes to try new things (especially fly-by-the-night Mexican "restaurants"), doesn't mind coonhounds, occasionally will accompany me to church when the mood strikes me, enjoys taking long walks (well that's more for Hank than me), enjoys consignment store / thrift store shopping, enjoys playing soccer but isn't too good, enjoys the occasional cocktail.

Must provide references and must have a proven track record of success. College degree a plus.

Blogger

I'm bored with you.

The SSDBRD (Self-Service Dead Bird Removal Department) Double-Bags It

So Jamie (my replacement hippi roommate) mentions that we have a dead bird out by the sidewalk. "Don't we need to call someone," she asks?

So I call Animal Control and get a hold of Sherry who asks me a series of questions—Name, Date of Birth, Address, location of dead bird. Then she asks me what kind of bird it is. I don't know. In fact I didn't even go and look at the dead bird, I just took Jamie's word that it was dead, thinking that would be the most important detail to this call. So I put Sherry on hold (I cover the mouthpiece of my cell phone) and ask Jamie what kind of bird it is. She doesn't know either. Sherry asks if we think it is a crow or blue-jay or sparrow. No we don't think it is. Sherry then says that she only tests crows and blue-jays and sparrows, "ok, just go ahead and double-bag it and throw it away."

Hhhmmm. Thanks for all your help Sherry this has been a deligh. . .WAIT JUST A MINUTE. I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK UP THIS DEAD BIRD? ME?? I don't think so sher-bear.

So the bird is still dead and still on my sidewalk. I'm thinking of calling back tomorrow and pretending to be someone else reporting a dead "crow-like" bird near the same address. And if I don't get any further I might call the Bat removal professionals located in the Mariposa building on 12th and G street. No doubt they will be more helpful than Sherry.

do you smell your age?

Last week my marketing department met with an outside marketing firm to discuss strategic planning (yes, this invloves "strategery") and the launching of a new product.

We tossed around the usual marketing jargon and posed some options. I was distracted from contributing my usual 100% due to the cloud of stank surrounding the visiting marketer. He appeared to be in his late sixties. He had age spots. His hair was very wiry and gray. It frizzed out from the sides and back of his head, leaving a crop-circle of sun-worn skin on top. I couldn't stop trying to pin-point the smell, but thanks to my very first job as a nursing home dietary aid, it was a smell I had encountered before.

I decided to google "why do old people smell" and this is what I came up with.

I noticed recently while chatting to an elderly fellow that old people have a distinctive smell. Babies have a distinctive smell but I attributed this to a diet of milk/formula. Why do old people smell old?

From: DigitalRadio1918 19/10/99 10:53:16
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 984
Steve This one's for you.

You said it not me.

DigitalRadio1918

Bye the way Catie is not me.

Love ya Catie.

From: Simon 19/10/99 11:50:45
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 999
They smell because they all eat dog food because of the standard of living the Howard regime left old people in. You would smell to if you ate dog food for every meal!

From: brad 19/10/99 12:45:36
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 1016
It's not dog food - it's a combination of urine and disillusionment. Chemically, it may be a precursor to formaldehyde.
I love old people. I just couldn't eat a whole one.
brad


What do old people smell of. Please pick one or add your own:

Spaghetti
Deap Heat
Wet cardboard
Wet dogs
Corned beef
Bingo halls
Fust
Melted plastic
all of the above
you'll find out soon enough
necrotizing flesh
Human Fermentation
Mold spores
Ben-Gay
Moth Balls
DEPENDS!
Vitamins and wet skin
icy hot
Teresa Heinz Kerry
death
Musty books


I guess I'm not the only one out here who has noticed this trend. Personally I think that elderly people generally have an unpleasant aroma, but its not always the same brand of unpleasantness. I think our visiting marketer was more of a discouragement/musty linens combo.

World, here you go.

YOU HAD OSO WITH OUT ME?

Karen says: (12:33:16 PM)
I almost called you but I was going to the dog run and eating on the way and I know you probably wouldn't want to go to the dog run.

Karen says: (12:33:27 PM)
I onlly wish the OSO was a little less expensive.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:43 PM)
well.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:46 PM)
you pay for what you get.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:54 PM)
deliciousness.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:34:03 PM)
and no stomach ache afterwards.

Karen says: (12:34:15 PM)
but i feel that it is on the same level as the veggie from de leons, and de leons is cheaper.

Karen says: (12:34:36 PM)
plus they have the lard included in the purchase price

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:34:38 PM)
i think they are pretty different.

Karen says: (12:34:46 PM)
different but equal in quality

Karen says: (12:35:17 PM)
both large, both delicious

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:35:23 PM)
i wouldn't say equal in quality of ingredients. or cleverness in putting things together.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:35:49 PM)
de leon's fulfills the greasy fast food niche and OSO moves up to casual dining.

Karen says: (12:36:42 PM)
Is OSO organic? If they were then I would say they should be more expensive. Oso moves into casual dining only by dining ambiance within establishment. Since I got the OSO to go, they are on the same level.

Karen says: (12:37:21 PM)
If OSO used a lard tortilla I would relinquish a point for cleverness in putting things together.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:24 PM)
i don't know if htey're organic. they use better ingredients, hands down.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:44 PM)
but moving on.

Karen says: (12:37:45 PM)
not if they're shopping at super saver with the greatful bread proprietors.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:53 PM)
well, you don't know that.

Karen says: (12:38:01 PM)
neither do you!

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:38:09 PM)
moving on!

Karen says: (12:38:23 PM)
i think we should open this discussion up to the blogger community (lincoln based, that is)

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:38:48 PM)
why not open it up to the world!

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:10 PM)
but scott would say he likes chipotle the best.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:21 PM)
and chipotle doesn't count because it's not local. and then there's the argument about that.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:37 PM)
have you checked my blog lately?

Team Phartman (pronounced fartman)

I'd like to report that Team Phartman (that's "P" for Parks and "Hartman" for er, Hartman) has been steadily improving their cornhole/Joe Dummy/Bean bag skills. I'd like to give a shout out to Ben Yancer who really boosted my corn-hole self-confidence.

Look out for Thursday, as "it will have been broughten."

Crazy dog lady

My mom came to visit last weekend. She brought her dogs, Autumn (german shepherd), Holiday (boxer mix). Sid (pit bull) didn't make the trip because he's too obnoxious.

The dogs played in the yard together and the kids next door came over to pet them. My mom said "so are you known as the dog lady in your neighborhood?" I laughed, this is what my mom is known as by the neighborhood kids near her house.

"No, I don't think so, thank goodness."

But then yesterday I was filling up the lexus (no dogs) at the BP station on south and 17th. I went in to pay for my gas and the woman ahead of me in line said hi and smiled warmly. I said hi back. Then she said, "are you the girl with the hound dogs on Sumner?"

I laughed, "yeah that's me."

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Heidi Leather Heat

I received this handy chart from a former co-worker, it's fun but I usually rely on the "name of your first pet + Mom's maiden name" for determining my stripper name.


See what your stripper name will be, and share it with your friends:

1. Use the last letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = Fantasia
b = Lovely
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the first letter of your middle name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

I'm addicted

I can't keep myself from checking myspace anytime I'm near a computer. I've been found by a few former coworkers from my very first job (at 14) when I worked as a dietary aid at St. Leonard Center in Dayton, OH. A few old k-12 classmates have found me as well, my page is probably also been viewed by vice-busy body Linda Becker, who I learned has been fretting over the evils of myspace. She's compiling a stack of Union College students that have posted unsavory content. (I don't think she wants to admit it but I think she likes that myspace gives her a new way to apprehend wayward Union College students). I'm probably lying in a pile of printouts on her desk, but I'm told that she doesn't concern herself with the alumni. Right, maybe not now, but she has summer vacation fast approaching and I'm guessing that she will have a little more spare time on her hands. Anyway Linda, I think you shouldn't be so harsh on myspace. I appreciate my good friends Steve Zisou and Ellen White dropping by. In Fact, Ellen White left a comment wishing me a happy Sabbath just yesterday. What's wrong with that?

Scott, I was thinking we should e-mail Ellen White and get her to send a friend request to Linda, I noticed Linda didn't have many friends.

Yikes! need your help!

So an update on my personal life:

You remember J-Dawg, I was crazy about him like 3 months ago, now I'm not so crazy about him and I need a plan for us to break-up. And recently separating looks to be a bit more complicated since he lost his job due to fratenizing with one of the volunteers (me) at the animal shelter he managed. So I told him he could move in with me. What the hell was I thinking. He's driving me crazy. All those little quirks that used to be cute, definitely annoying me now. I thought it was cute that he was so affectionate and always wanted to hold me tight. Now I am being squeezed to death. But I feel a little guilty since it is only since he met me that he has become homeless/jobless. I don't like feeling that I may have ruined someone's life.

On another note today I got an e-mail myspace message from an old friend. This old friend mentioned that he and his wife yadda yadda yadda, and I have to admit my heart sank a little. I totally had a crush on him, and even though I haven't thought about him for years, I think I still have a crush on him. Oh well... that's life, which only made me more depressed about the perfectly nice guy I have waiting for me at home but only drives me crazy, and not in the good way.

More Products We Love: Formal Complaints!

I've been introduced to the wonderful world of complaint-filing. Thanks to my friend Jeff who had been surprised by a voicemail left by Officer "D", saying, "we need to talk." Why would officer "D" need to talk to my friend Jeff? Turns out Jeff's doubles partner for the Lincoln Tennis Association is a little crazy. Jeff admitted to being a little growchy at the last match, and he felt bad about it so he contacted his doubles partner later via e-mail and appologized for his growchy beavior. Crazy doubles partner then filed a complaint with the Lincoln Police Department, outlining the fact that jeff played poorly and then forced his e-ppology on her.

I had no idea you could file a complaint for this type of thing, and I assume if this is an acceptable complaint, the parameters are pretty wide. So I'd like to file a complaint against Daniel because he played too well during our cornhole match on Sat. I will also be filing this complaint against Scott and Serhiy, who also played better than me. Ellen don't worry, you're in the clear.

The good news is that Jeff won't have to worry about any more awkward tennis matches in the near future. I guess his crazy doubles partner will be moving back to Dallas next month because she has found it difficult to make friends here in lincoln. I can't imagine why.

Daniel, Scott, Serhiy: You're on Notice!

Well Bryant this makes for two times that I've thought of you today

The first being the corn pancakes with blueberry-orange syrup recipe that I said I would mail to you weeks ago. (I mailed it tonight).

The second is from this picture. It looked like something you might think to rig up, in a pinch.

Don't miss this deal !
This is not a joke. I verified it on the urban legends websites...

You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

Super Saver
Wal-Mart
Russ' Market
Sam's Club
Target
Shopko

It's Random Products Review Time!

Products we love:

Cap'n Crunch. I had this cereal for the first time this week. Since I was out of my Organic Cocoa Koala Crisp from the co-op I decided to mooch some of Jamie's Cap'n crunch. Sweet. Corn-y. Stays crunchy in soy milk. Delicious.

Dr. Bonner's Pure Castille Soap (pepermint). I normally get Dr. Bonner's Pure Castille soap in the almond variety, but since the new job came with earlier hours I've been feeling a little sluggish in the mornings and thought that the pepermint might pep me up a little. It did. I found out though that the pepermint pep is a little to peppy when washing intimate areas of the body. Just a word of caution. I found this out when I ran out of my Johnson and Johnson's 1/3 body lotion baby wash which I generally use for more delicate washing terrain.

Products we hate:

State Troopers with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than pull people over leaving the Golden Eagle casino at 6 miles over the speed limit in a test drive vehicle.

I'd just like everyone to know

that my new bra, (thanks to Daniel's rescue mission) the new seamless demi from Victoria's Secret is working out fantastically. I figured I would give my review since Ellen mentioned in her post about my new bra; I guess it is no longer Victoria's "secret."

Extremely comfortable: So comfortable that I forgot to take it off last night when I fell asleep. Although this could have been because I was extrememly tired. But still, didn't awake to any itchy straps. The material is very soft and a hi-tech blend of spandex and something else I forgot.

Support: It's a cost-effective boob job alternative. These babies are comfortable secured but still allow for just the right amount of bounce.

Affordable: not really, but I had a ten dollar off coupon.

I give it 4 stars. (that's 4 out of 4 ellen, just to clear up any confusion)

My appologies. . .

for this ridiculously long hiatus from blogger. You see, I got a new job and I started last week. It's going really really well but let me tell you, giving 100% and putting your best foot forward everyday requires lots and lots of time and effort. I had no idea. Plus, I've been juggling my previous job duties and trying to fit in some contract work over there for a little extra money. Did I mention that I'm a single dog-mom? My stress level is maxersized. So anyway, I'm back and I can't think of one good story in my entire absence. I've let you down, I know. I wanted to make Ceri snort out loud again. . .
So about my new job: Its totally fantastic. I have the near perfect balance of laid back relaxed work environment with all the benefits (financial rewards, benefits package, office comfortability, job security) of a larger corporation. The people I work with are all very friendly. I went in last Monday with a mindset of do or die. I was totally prepared for a hazing but was pleasantly surprised by friendly chatter, smiling faces, and a powerbook G4 to greet me. I'm smitten with my cubicle. I wanted to do the punching arms into the air/while jogging to the desk dance a la Cobert Report. That's good stuff, but thankfully I was able to stifle it. Didn't want to scare them off on my first day.

I'll keep you posted (more regularly).

Have a good week.

Since you brought it up. . .

Why is Rich becoming suspicious? Well the other day I overheard Rich as he was in Thomas's office talking about his "big" muscles, his "big" motorcycle, and other "big" things. Rich tends to be a little full of himself and it makes for good fodder. . .

Rich: "So, its going to be riding weather pretty soon, time to get out the chaps" (this was before mammoth snowfall this week)

Thomas: "Yeah, pretty soon."

Rich: "We should go riding together this week, cruise for chicks"

Thomas: "Oh, yeah, I can't, I need to get the oil changed in my bike first, and uh. . .I'm washing my hair tonight." (ok, I made up the last part)

So while this conversation is taking place, I'm cracking up on the inside and I write El to tell her that Rich is trying to corner Thomas into a "riding" date.

Ellen says "Riding?" "Does Thomas have his own bike or will he be straddling Rich?" So then I say, "well, he has his own bike, but I think you should email him that question while Rich is still in his office, then it will 'ding', and he'll look at it while rich is there." So Ellen sends the following email:

From: Ellen
Date: March 15, 2006 2:29:46 PM CST
To: thomas_trumble@hwdental.com
Subject: riding

hi thomas.

i heard you were going to go riding with rich. just wondering if that would be on separate motorcycles or if rich wants you to straddle him?

Meanwhile the two of us can barely contain ourselves with the suspense, did he get it yet? He should have, is he reading it?? Hee hee. LOL. I also thought about why I'm not the best at practical jokes, the suspense is too much, its all I can do to keep myself from running in there and checking Thomas's email for him. But an eternity passes (well at least 5 mins anyway) and Thomas slowly steps out of his office and gives me a glare. At this I bust up laughing. So worth the wait.

He sends Ellen the following response:
From: Thomas Trumble
Date: March 15, 2006 2:42:25 PM CST
To: "Ellen"
Subject: Re: riding

Wow!! Am I wearing a wire?? Did you plant a bug in my office or something? How in the heck (as if I didn't know) did you find that out so fast?? Ok, but I just threw up in my mouth a little. That is about as disgusting as can be, but thanks for asking :)

Ok so fastforward to Monday, when Ellen came down to our office to meet us for lunch. She walks in and I nod towards Thomas's office where rich is talking to him again. Ellen saunters over and creeps up behind Rich and holds her hands up in two fists to rev one like a motorcycle and she winks as she does so. But mid-rev Rich turns around and Ellen tries to quickly conceal her motorcycle hands and says, "oh, why hello Rich" and then Rich slowly backs away and the rest of us are cracking up. That's why he's a bit suspicious.

Scott don't get out your speedo just yet. . .

It's a bit nippy out here in the Husker state. Quiet snowflakes fell steadily most of the night and morning. Then at approximately 1:30–after I had convinced Elenita that she should walk roughly 10 city blocks to meet Thomas and I for lunch at The Oven–the snow started falling with fury. After lunch, she IM'd me to let me know she had made it back alright but definitely was covered, a walking snow-woman? What a sight for the 3rd week of March and first official day of spring.

When I got to work this morning Jeff let me know that our snow encrusted capital city had been featured on the weather channel. "Wonderful," I said, "Maybe that will fend off all the spring breakers that were planning to vacation in the great plains."

El, Sorry about that misjudgement on the snow letting up.

Ok Blogger, we need to talk.

A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a myspace account. I only did it so that I could view other peoples pictures and look up old acquaintances and friends. It didn’t mean anything–at first. But one thing led to another, and well I edited my profile, uploaded a couple of pictures . . .you know how it goes. . .and I also added a few friends. I was pretty sure I’d get Ellen and Scott (they’re so easy) but I went out on a limb here and requested that Jeff Carlson be my friend. He’s sooo adorable!! And guess what? He totally accepted.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry Blogger, I still think you have a better layout and a superior eye for design so don’t take this personally.

I hope my tech support contract doesn't get cancelled like my AAA lockout service did

The great thing about working for a technology company is that I have access to top IT guys. . and I get a priority call flag by harassing them until they help me.

Today my printer was giving me attitude. Now, this is not unusual behavior from my HP Deskjet 1220C (circa 1997?). The last time I had trouble, the printer was going through all the proper motions: Opening Printer Connection, Spooling to Printer, Waiting for Job to Complete, Jop Complete. Yet oddly, no paper was sucked up and no paper printed out. But the HP insisted that the job was completed. After a number of reboots, I gave up and swapped this printer for Jeff the tech support guy's printer. Of course he figured it out when his printer "suddenly" starting having the same symptoms that mine had the week before, and miraculously mine was working again. So he swapped them back. I let mine collect dust for a couple of weeks and then decided what the heck I'll plug it back in and see what happens. I don't know if I was surprised or not (knowing how unpredictable printers can be) but it worked fine.

Until today. I'm sending a job to the printer, and keep getting an error message. So I call tech support. Since Jeff was at lunch I called his cell phone, which he never answers because he knows its me. I leave a message (I mimicked the professional yet panicked tone of our clients that call in with tech support issues): "Hi this is Karen calling from HealthWare Corporation, I'm having a little bit of trouble with my printer this morning, if someone could give me a call back" . . .then I bust up laughing because Thomas is watching me and laughing at my tone of voice. Anyway I spend the rest of the morning cursing at the printer, rebooting, adding and deleting drivers, running system utilities and nothing is working. So I went to lunch. When I get back from lunch I ask Jeff about the printer. His first question, "Is it plugged in?" At this point I have that forhead-slapping moment where I remember that I did unplug the printer USB cable to plug in the CD burner on Friday. So I plug in the printer cable again. It works now.