Condiment Kitchen

Look under your chairs for a gluten-free chocolate cupcake!

2011-12-21T23:15:00.001-08:00

And you get a cupcake . . . and you get a cupcake. . . everybody gets a gluten-free chocolate cupcake!

So you're probably disappointed now that you likely don't have a surprise chocolate cupcake waiting for you. My apologies. Just putting on my "Director's" hat with a new show idea.

Recently, a friend of mine explained a personal dilemma she encountered when planning her son's Birthday party. Having been out of work for awhile, her budget for the Birthday party was lean. After having made a Birthday cake for the young guests, she learned that one child was gluten intolerant and would be unable to have any of the regular cake. Now, had I been in the situation, you can bet that little "Johnny" we'll call him, would probably have had to skip dessert, or I would have given him a handful of cocktail peanuts. But having the bigger heart that she does, my friend sets out to locate a recipe for gluten-free cake and then is taken aback by the price of gluten-free flour alternatives. She scours the kitchen for ingredients that she might concoct into a more cost-effective substitute, and armed with the wonderful powers of google, the garbanzo bean-based chocolate cupcakes are born.

And they are amazingly delicious. So I've decided my friend needs to host a cooking show entitled, "The Financial Crisis Gourmet" or something similar because for the past few months she has churned out dish after delicious dish on a dime. Pumpkin Risotto, Puerto Rican Beans and Rice—the seasonings and squash in the beans and rice are what make it extraordinary. So, without permission, I am posting the gluten-free cupcake recipe here. Because even if you're a fan of gluten, these cupcakes don't disappoint.

Until the show idea gets picked up, the humble Condiment Kitchen will stage a presentation of recipes.

Ingredients
1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1 (19 ounce) can garbanzo beans, rinsed and drained
4 eggs
3/4 cup white sugar
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon confectioners' sugar for dusting

Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease a 9-inch round cake pan.
Place the chocolate chips into a microwave-safe bowl. Cook in the microwave for about 2 minutes, stirring every 20 seconds after the first minute, until chocolate is melted and smooth. If you have a powerful microwave, reduce the power to 50 percent.

Combine the beans and eggs in the bowl of a food processor. Process until smooth. Add the sugar and the baking powder, and pulse to blend. Pour in the melted chocolate and blend until smooth, scraping down the corners to make sure chocolate is completely mixed. Transfer the batter to the prepared cake pan.

Bake for 40 minutes in the preheated oven, or until a knife inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Cool in the pan on a wire rack for 10 to 15 minutes before inverting onto a serving plate. Dust with confectioners' sugar just before serving.

"Working Late"

2011-12-18T23:47:00.001-08:00

At it again with favorite friend and former co-worker, Renee, reviving our habits of staying up all night working—which previously included the feverish frenzy of completing court reports that over-worked 3rd shift CPS worker's are known for. Thankfully, we've left that chaos behind. But here we are, drinking cafe au laits, giggling, re-living our days in the trenches of child and family service warfare in between youtube sharing of favorites, Kyle Kinane, Margaret Cho, Angelah Johnson, and excerpts from Confessions of a Cineplex Heckler and author Ted Kooser, various publications.

It is that time of year that warrants reflection, but I don't indulge in too much dwelling; Someone once told me that you cannot live with regret because in a way that means you regret who you are. I cannot decide if that person is a moron or a genius; perhaps both.

The Apple Is not from this Tree

2009-03-05T17:12:00.000-08:00

Last week, I took a client and his daughter to McDonald's as part of a supervised visit. The agency I work for encourages workers to blend in with the family when out in public as to protect the privacy of the client who is receiving services. Apparently, I blended too well. A woman and her son were playing close to my client and his daughter. The woman said to me, "you know, she looks just like you." Stunned for a second, I quickly replied with, "Yeah, but she's a daddy's girl." So then I looked at couple of my childhood photos to see if there was a likeness. I suppose there was a little resemblance. But damn, I wish I had a pony.

This was the same dad and daughter that I went to Sesame Street Live with a few weeks back. It was OK. I'd never been before. But if you're a big bird fan, it was a pretty big deal.

The Good Life

2009-03-05T16:58:00.001-08:00

Paper boy (or girl)

2008-12-18T22:45:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've been picking up overnight shifts (NOTE: I work for health and human services now, not a pimp)and discovered an online Nintendo classics game site. I've spent the week playing Paperboy, which was just as exciting as I remembered -- look out for the grim reaper, lady wielding a knife, jackhammer dude, small tornado and break dancer guy while trying to deliver the daily news. I was never able to make it through the week as a youngster. However, only moments ago I beat the game, which was rather anti-climatic. Only a headline reading, "Paperboy retires!"

2008-08-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

Upon Googling Myself . . .

Karen Parks’ “Nobody Knows” – A Tribute to Harry T. Burleigh (transcript)
Friday, February 08th, 2008

By Craig Havighurst

Soprano Karen Parks has released a new CD whose title, Nobody Knows, is intended as a double entendre. Half of the album consists of vital and well-known Negro spirituals. But Parks is also calling attention to the unknown composer and singer who brought those spirituals into the American mainstream more than 100 years ago. WPLN’s Craig Havighurst reports.

Audio for this feature is available here.

It’s likely that only students of American classical music and African-American culture will have heard of Harry T. Burleigh, even though the songs that Burleigh first arranged for concert performance are woven into our national DNA.

(SOUND: Nobody Knows The Trouble I’ve Seen)

Karen Parks sings Burleigh’s songs and his praises on her new album Nobody Knows, released this month through Nashville’s Thirty Tigers. She says Burleigh has been important to her since the very first time she was tapped for serious vocal training. She was growing up in Greenville South Carolina, a precocious freshman in high school intent on a career in corporate law. Then a teacher heard her voice and arranged to enroll her in a regional fine arts academy. Parks was 13.

PARKS: “And I am so fortunate for that. I was the only African American female at the fine arts center. I wanted to sing spirituals. They knew that, and they wanted me to of course, and my first book was The Spirituals of Harry T. Burleigh”.

Burleigh, who was born the year after the end of the Civil War, wanted to be a recital singer, and his home community of Erie, Pennsylvania raised funds to send him to New York’s National Conservatory of Music. There, he became a protégé of the conservatory’s new director, the era-shaping composer Antonin Dvorak.

SNYDER: “And the unusual thing for an African American musician at that time was that he did not forsake his heritage in the spirituals.”

Jean Snyder, assistant professor of music at Edinboro University of Pennsylvania is writing a biography of Burleigh.

SNYDER: “And it’s probable that Dvorak helped him fully understand that this repertoire was a repertoire that was universal. And in Dvorak’s own words, he said give those melodies to the world.”

(SOUND: My Lord What A Morning)

Burliegh did just that, embracing Dvorak’s radical view that folk songs were important art that should be integrated into classical music. Karen Parks says his arrangements brought subtle and uplifting instrumental accompaniment to what had been an entirely a capella form of singing.

PARKS: “The spiritual must be simple yet on the classical concert stage it must be interesting and intricate enough to have that title, and that shows the real genius of Burleigh.”

Burleigh’s race kept him from the recital career he longed for, but he did teach at the National Conservatory and became an editor at an important music publishing house. Parks recalls another long-term position that regularly put him on a stage in front of New York’s wealthiest elites.

PARKS: “I believe it was in 1894 that he applied to be the baritone soloist at St. George’s Episcopal Church. There were 60 applicants. And he was only African American, and there was only one position, and he was chosen. Of course there was some uproar but it didn’t matter. He had the talent and they could see beyond his color.”

Parks brings remarkable credentials of her own to the Burleigh recording project. After her post-graduate training at UC Santa Barbara, she earned a Fulbright scholarship which allowed her a year of private study at La Scala Opera House in Milan, perhaps the most prestigious such academy in the world. She trained to sing in 12 different languages, but on Nobody Knows, she sings a uniquely American strain of English, one that — like Dvorak’s work — is both vernacular and rarified.

(SOUND: Lovely Dark And Lonely One)

In “Lovely Dark and Lonely One,” Burleigh sets music to a poem by Langston Hughes.

PARKS: “There are some powerful words there, and you want to express that. The text determines they way that a song, any song, is sung in my opinion. The words must be expressed to their fullest extent.”

Karen Parks brings her interpretation of those words and Burleigh’s music to Vanderbilt’s Turner Hall this Saturday night at 8.

For Nashville Public Radio, I’m Craig Havighurst.

Neighborhood WATCH

2008-08-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

"Yeah, look at 'Tripod' over there," I say to my boyfriend, who has just looked up from his paperwork and said to me, "Hey, those guys are naked". A couple of weeks ago on an early Sunday morning, I rode with him in his work truck to check a couple of job sites. He works for a building supply company, and the houses we looked at this morning were in an upscale, developing neighborhood. Earlier, I had noted an older Crown Vic with darkly tinted windows that pulled up in front of the house across the street. This car wouldn't have been out of place on say . . . 13th and "G", but it did seem out of place here on Heritage Place Drive. Another car had pulled up behind it, and the driver, "Tripod", had just gotten out of the car. The driver of the Crown Vic, wearing the same "outfit", got of his car and walked over to "Tripod". We were stunned at first, but soon we both broke into laughter as the guys drove off in the 2nd car with a broken out back windshield. I said "You can't just drive around naked!" What if I'd been a little old lady? Could've been startled to death!" We called the cops and described an abandoned vehicle, the Crown Vic, and the naked driver who left in another car with his younger, naked companion.

An investigating officer later contacted both of us and asked for a statement. Turns out they had gone to investigate the Crown Vic and had seen narcotics that were visible from looking in the window. They'd also had several calls of reckless driving for the broken out back windshield car. The officer asked if we would be able to identify the suspects if we participated in a line up. I told the officer that unfortunately I didn't get a good look at their faces. However, if the lower half was in a line-up, I was certain I could ID them. "He was not Jewish officer, and I can assure you of that."

The investigating officer had stopped by my office to show me the photographs for the line-up. I explained the situation to my coworkers. Upon mentioning the two naked guys getting in one car and leaving a car full of narcotics behind, Scott says, "That is why I do not do drugs." HETA says, "That poor boy's mother. She's going to be in the courtroom finding out that her son is not only doing drugs but is also riding around naked with an older naked boy. It's too much."

Nebraska Storms

2008-06-13T09:41:00.001-07:00

Commission Office E-mail String

2008-04-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

On Apr 23, 2008, at 2:40 PM, Janet Owens wrote:

Please ask me if you would like to change the thermostats so that Heather M. or I are aware of a change and can make adjustments as needed.

The thermostat in Scott's office was turned "off," so several offices on this side of the building have temperature readings of 78 degrees. We want to stay comfortable, not warm!

I appreciate your help!

Janet
Associate Director of Operations
NSCA Certification Commission

On Apr 23, 2008, at 2:59 PM, Scott Bonertz wrote:

My sincerest apologies to everyone. I picked up 17 hermit crabs at a flea market in Chicago over the weekend, and I read in my Crabs Household Journal that pet hermit crabs must be kept between 75 and 80 degrees. I promise it won't happen again, and I'll move my buddies to a temperature controlled chamber. By the way, I just counted and I only have 16, so if anyone finds one let me know (I think it is Paco).

Should I not have done that?

Scott

From: Karen Parks
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 3:04 PM
To: Scott Bonertz
Cc: Janet Owens; NSCACertificationCommission
Subject: Re: Warmer Weather

Scott,

Please review the Employee Handbook, pages 28-29: Commission Property/Premises, Workstation Guidelines.

Thanks.
Your Commission Coworkers

From: Bob Raatz
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 3:11 PM
To: Scott Bonertz
Cc: NSCACertificationCommission
Subject: FW: Warmer Weather

I found Paco, the news is not good.

From: HETA
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 3:04 PM
To: Scott Bonertz
Cc: Janet Owens; NSCACertificationCommission
Subject: Re: Warmer Weather

Do you want me to bring you some melted butter?

Heather Ahrens

Exam Assistant
examasst@nsca-cc.org

From: Karen Parks
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 3:04 PM
To: Scott Bonertz
Cc: Janet Owens; NSCACertificationCommission
Subject: Re: Warmer Weather

Or do you need paper towels and a good disinfectant?

Cincinnati Rocks!

2008-04-20T13:43:00.000-07:00

I was visiting my family and BFF, Rick LaVenture Jr., this weekend in Ohio. With just a few days for my trip, I had to prioritize my outings. On Friday, Mom, brother Jerry and I went to the Cincinnati Zoo (pictures are pending as family and community photographer, Jerry, forgot his digital memory card and ended up shooting with film. They will be posted at a later date once they are developed from the Beavercreek Wal-Mart and shipped to Lincoln, NE). Highlights of the zoo include the polar bears (they enjoyed a large enclosure with mutliple swimming pools with underwater views for visitors. It was a warm 78 degrees and they back-paddled around the lake; I found them to be a delight), some kind of monkey I can't remember (these solid white and solid black monkeys zipped around their enclosure steeling bits of lettuce and carrots from each other), and the white lions.

On Saturday, Rick and I decided to skip church and instead spend the morning and afternoon at Trader's World. I had been to Trader's World as a youngster, but they've since expanded, and I thought this would be a good opportunity to find the requested "Ohio Kitsch" souvenir for the New Media Coordinator at my office. It was a success as I bagged a $4 Marshmallow Gun in Cincinnati Bengals colors, complete with a sandwich-sized bag of ammunition. The only thing Rick picked up was a few of the local "honeys" (see below). Other Trader's World attractions included the petting zoo with porcupine and magic carpet cleaning demonstration (below).

Additionally, I was able to catch a glimpse of a new landmark in the Cincinnati area. If you're trying to find Trader's World, just take the exit directly after "Touchdown Jesus". This is a ginormous, and some may say "tacky", likeness of our Lord and Savior accompanied by a reflection pool. Rick points out the landmark at Solid Rock Church on the video.

Deep Thoughts

2008-04-15T12:28:00.001-07:00

DeepThoughtsByJackHandey.com

Peep Show

2008-03-06T10:24:00.001-08:00

Kudos to the Sinclair on 40th and "A"

2008-02-22T10:07:00.000-08:00

There's several reason's why I love this gas station.

1. Full-service, no exceptions, no extra charge. This comes in handy especailly when it is freezing. But no matter the season, it's always nice NOT to have to dirty your hands at the pumps.

2. Complimentary dog treats offered at all times. The coonhounds appreciate this one more than me, but it still makes the list.

3. Touchless Carwash, more gentle on the Acura.

But mainly I go there because of number one. Although, here in the U.S. the full-service gas station attendents are rare. In South Korea, full-service stations are standard. The difference--South Korean Gas Station Attendents are the younger female types that wear mini skirts instead of the coveralls of the Sinclair men. They still wear mini skirts in the winter, but they are accompanied with leg warmers, of course. Come to think of it, the South Koreans market a lot of products with the mini skirt, cereal and cell phones come to mind. But I digress, the point of this post is that a fill-up and wash is now a pleasure with the Sinclair Station on 40th and "A" street.

The Chicken

2008-02-13T07:31:00.000-08:00

Why did the chicken cross the road?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
---------------------------------------------------------------

OPRAH :
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GEORGE W.. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

PAT BUCHANAN :
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MARTHA STEWART :
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ERNEST HEMINGWAY :
To die in the rain. Alone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JERRY FALWELL :
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

GRANDPA :
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BARBARA WALTERS :
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ARISTOTLE :
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C%........ reboot.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ALBERT EINSTEIN :
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BILL CLINTON :
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

COLONEL SANDERS :
Did I miss one?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DICK CHENEY :
Where's my gun?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

AL SHARPTON :
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

ok, well I've thought of something

2008-01-10T10:28:00.001-08:00

Is anyone up for a Saturday (Sabbath) afternoon get-together? Blue Orchid? Greatful Bread? That should secure Angela unless she's already booked. . .

Also, Daniel mentioned seeing Juno again, and I thought maybe this weekend? Anyone? Anyone?

2008-01-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

I'm just not in a bloggy place right now. . .

Check back soon,though.

The Good Samaritan

2007-12-07T10:06:00.000-08:00

I parked my car along side the street last night since I had not yet shoveled the snow on my driveway. A perfect wintry evening- not too cold, fresh snow glistening from the glow of the streetlights. I'm gathering my purse, gym bag and laptop when I hear a rap on my driver's side window. I'm startled and a little nervous. Before I roll down the window, the guy says, "hey do you have a phone I can use?" Somewhat relieved, I pass my phone through the window. He's overly gracious and explains that he has just hobbled down to the U-stop gas station (he has a cane in one hand) to use the phone and, of course it was broken. Upon hobbling back, he fell on the ice. I assume he is calling someone for a ride. At the first phone call, he learns that the person he is trying to reach has just left for work. Can he make another call? Sure. The next call is to his twin sister, which he is certain will pan out. There is some shouting, and I imagine his sister to be saying something along the lines of not my problem. He explains that he left the house to get something to eat; he can't make anything with the condition of his leg. Which doesn't make since to me—he was able to hobble down to the U-stop to call for help but was unable to reach something out of the cupboard or fridge to heat it up? I'm still feeling bad for him though, and I'm mentally reviewing the contents of my freezer, thinking there might be a lean cuisine I could give him. Can he make one more call? Sure. This time he is calling his mother. He explains the predicament again, and I get the idea that his mother, too, is less than sympathetic. I hear him say that he only has $15. He gave the rest to so-and-so because he didn't trust himself with it. He's going through the whole spiel—he walked all the way down to U-stop, broken phone, fell on the ice. Nice lady let him use her phone. Will mom please get him something to eat? Finally, it sounds like mom will order a pizza and have it delivered to him. I gather this because he says, "no I don't like Davinicis. Yeah, Valentinos. Get peperonni on it." I'm starting to feel less sympathy for him though, thinking he probably would have turned down the humble lean cuisine I would have offered.

To Whom It May Concern

2007-11-18T06:58:00.000-08:00

Hello again. I've been out of town visiting my mother in Dayton, Ohio. In my absence, I haven't checked the old condiment kitchen regularly, but now that I've gotten around to it, I see that Utenzi has provided the fodder for my next post. Thank you! So here I am, finally, with my participation. (Better late than never, right?)

A. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning.

B. Each player list 6 facts/habits/secrets about themselves.

C. At the end of the post, the player then tags people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

My 6 facts/habits/secrets:

Fact 1: I had a let's say, "quirky," condition as a child where I would consistently faint at random. I say quirky because I had a lot of tests done and the doctors were unable to produce any reasons. As I grew older, about when I was in middle school, the fainting stopped.

Fact 2: I easily get stuck in rut. For example, why the hell am still living in Lincoln, NE. I mean I do love my friends here, but my job is so-so, my house is so-so, my car is, OK wait, I do love my late 90s luxury vehicle, but everything just seems so-so, ho-hum in Lincoln. I think my biggest complaint would be the harsh extreme of the seasons. OK I know I just riled up anyone from Minnesota or the Dakotas but I'm not as hardy as you all. I need climate control or Hawaii. Or New Mexico.

Secret 1: Speaking of New Mexico, I've never been there but I think it might be the perfect place for me. I don't even know that much about it but I've always felt a pull there.

Secret 2: My life is an open book so I'm really going to have to dig around for this one. OK, got it. I cheated my way through high school chemistry. I got a B and I didn't deserve it. Sorry Mr. Schoun. My mind doesn't think in compounds and I didn't want to completely obliterate my GPA because of it.

Habit 1: I like to pop zits. They don't even have to be mine. I'm know gross, huh?

Habit 2: Probably this is equally gross. I'm scab-picking junkie. I can't leave them alone. Relax, I do refrain from picking other people's scabs, that would be really gross and awkward. I love them when they are just almost healed over and you can lift off the scab and see the fresh pinkish white skin underneath. Unfortunately, I can rarely wait till this stage. There so irresistible.

So, on my tag list:

Ceri

Daniel

Voth

Bryant

Exiled in Guyville

Angela

Hank Hates Baths

2007-11-04T18:13:00.000-08:00

But off the record, he loves them. I think he keeps up the pretense of hating our bathing rituals for Slade's benefit because Slade truly does hate baths (as any self-respecting dog should?).

This morning I rattled the treat jar to summon Slade, who was napping upstairs. After treats, I click on Slade's leash, which immediately triggers wagging tails and howling. I smile and pat Slade on the head; he still thinks he's going for walk as I turn him around and head for the bathroom. He throws on the breaks when he hears the running water that I've adjusted ahead of time to a barely warm temperature, confirmed with a dip of my elbow. I wrangle Slade into the bathroom and he is quaking, humiliated through out the entire sudds-ing and rinsing process. Once we're finished, I towel him down and release him to run around crazily about the living room.

Hank is already attuned to what is going on in the bathroom, and he lingers just outside the bathroom door. I grab his collar, and he plants his weight in his "heels," pretending that he's not going anywhere. This lasts for a second or two and then he gingerly, almost eagerly, steps into the bath. Once I start rubbing his ears and massaging his shoulders, it's all over. He's leaning into the gentle pressure of my fingertips, closing his eyes in relaxation as if he is spending the morning at a top-notch day spa. "Calgon, take me away."

Quirks

2007-10-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have developed a habit of imagining myself getting shot, for a brief second, as I walk to my car. In addition to the shootings, I also imagine being attacked by a wild animal or something with rabies. It's not fully played out in my mind. It's just a breif interlude that happens a few times during the day, typically when I am headed to my car. It's similar to Ellen's fear of headlights not being turned on and constantly having to check. Similar in the fact that you can't tell your mind to stop and expect it to obey. It's like, "ok I wasn't shot THIS time." But then the next time I head to the car I look around cautiously and think, "whoa, could I have been shot?" Ok, I'm fine.

I think I need to stop working late.

Untitled Post

2007-10-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

This is a very interesting and thought provoking read...
Emily

How Long Does USA Have?

About the time our original thirteen states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years earlier:

"A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government. A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury. From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship."

The average age of the world's greatest civilizations from the beginning of history has been about 200 years. During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage"

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000 Presidential election:

Population of counties won by:
Gore: 127 million;
Bush: 143 million

Square miles of land won by:
Gore: 580,000;
Bush: 2,427,000

States won by:
Gore: 19;
Bush: 29

Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by:
Gore: 13.2;
Bush: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of this great country. Gore's territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegals and they vote, then goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years. Pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

My Mom's Accident

2007-10-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

She and her broken ankle are on the road to recovery now. Reminder: Drive safely and buckle-up, everyone.

I asked her how it happened. She couldn't remember much because it all was so fast. Did the car in front of you stop suddenly, did you try to stop? She wasn't sure. But upon closer inspection at the junk yard, she noticed the break peddle to have snapped partially off and was bent all the way to the floor. Yes, she did try to stop, thus the broken ankle.

I'm loading the next photo in as small because it is really gross.

Uncle Jay Explains the News, July 2, 2007

2007-10-05T12:11:00.000-07:00

Video

Blueberry French Toast Bake

2007-09-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

Prepared by Heather A. for this morning's Commission breakfast. It was delicious. I recommend topping it with blueberry syrup.

(You could use frozen raspberries in this super simple brunch recipe too, and I am sure there are those that would try it with bluebarb.)

BLUEBERRY FRENCH TOAST BAKE.

INGREDIENTS:

1/2 cup flour
1-1/2 cups whole milk
2 Tbsp. sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
6 eggs
10 slices french bread, cut into 1" cubes
3 oz. pkg. cream cheese, diced
1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries (if frozen, do not thaw)
1/2 cup chopped nuts
2 Tbsp. sugar
1/2 tsp. cinnamon

PREPARATION:

Generously grease 13x9" glass baking dish. Beat flour, milk, 2 Tbsp. sugar, vanilla and eggs in large bowl until smooth. Stir in bread cubes until well coated, then pour bread mixture into prepared pan.

Top evenly with cream cheese cubes and blueberries. In small bowl, combine 2 Tbsp. sugar, cinnamon, and nuts and toss to mix. Sprinkle over blueberries and cream cheese. Cover casserole tightly and refrigerate up to 24 hours. {P]Preheat oven to 400 degrees F and bake casserole, uncovered, for 20-25 minutes until golden. (Serves 8)

Spidy Sense

2007-09-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

I sent out an e-mail to the office today:

Subject: New Staff Member

Please see attachment. I just met with him in the foyer.

This is by far the biggest spider I've ever seen outside of a petting zoo environment. I named him Spidy. (I think he is taking a dump in that picture.)

Let me tell you, I am the first to run for the (dyson) vacuum with hose attachments when I see a spider in my house. They can have the basement, but the upstairs is off limits. Yet I was so impressed with Spidy's size, I wanted him to live. I respect a spider that big. But then our IT guy removed a sandal and whacked him twice before I could suggest relocating him outside. I'm sorry Spidy. I'd like to take my shoe upside the head of our IT personnel. Note to self: Wear cleats.

In Defense of Myself and the Condiment Kitchen

2007-09-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

Recently myself and the CondimentKitchen have been accused of "lameness" by a certain "salesperson" that we'll call Lare-bear. At first I tried to let Lare-bear's slanderous comments go, thinking well he's really out-of-touch, how could he possibly understand the purpose of a blogging community, let alone judge the merits of my humble blog? I'm not asking for any awards, but maybe an honorable mention. . . because Lare-bear my blog is good enough, it's great enough and gosh darn it, people link to me.

Another accusation of Lare-bear's, my profile picture looks 20 years old. Does it Lare-bear, does it really? Because that would make me 47 in real-life, and I guess I'm no spring chic but I don't think I appear to be 47 (Note: I am not age-prejudice, well it's touch and go with children, but based on age, I definitely have nothing against anyone over let's say 15). I don't even have crow's feet and I don't need a push-up bra (I'm not against them though); you can still get tickets to the gun show. Besides, that picture is probably from the last time I had a camera (a fun saver 4 years ago). And I still have the same hair-style anyway, but it's a timeless look. Wind-blown, like I've just stepped out of a sporty convertible and I'm on my wait to meet Malibu Ken for a half-caf, no-foam, double, skinny Latte before we head to the beach.

Exhibit-A:

| | | Best of the CondimentKitchen Posts:

I can tell a decent story:
| I Love Wal-Mart
| Anniversary Crasher
| Embarrasing Moments

I share fun links:
| Belief-o-Matic
| Ransom Note Generators

Exhibit B — Recent comments about my genius posted to MySpace by Melissa Mead:

"so i had to explain the genuis of spongebob squarepants to someone the other day. How do people not get it? I thought to myself, "geez, some people just GET it....like karen!" love ya chica:)" Source: MySpace

Exhibit C — Recent photos ( taken outside the break room, less than 24 hrs ago, geese are my witnesses) That 4th one is my Author Photo, an idea borrowed from Daniel. And the fifth one is with my Angry Eyes, an idea borrowed by Mrs. Potato Head.

Lare-bear, you are officially ON NOTICE. You'll be hearing from my lawyers as soon as I get back from the beach, capitol beach that is.

My Trip to the Nebraska State Fair

2007-09-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

I'm going to cut to the chase with this post. The petting zoo was by far the best exhibit at the Nebraska State Fair. My favorite character was an Emu that I named Pecky Peckerson. He did get my elbow once when I wasn't looking, but honestly his pecking just warms my heart.

NEW THE OFFICE SUMMER VACATION

2007-08-31T06:03:00.001-07:00

Anniversary Crasher

2007-08-27T10:18:00.001-07:00

So last week I crashed a golden anniversary reception for, oh actually I didn't even get their names. But their reception was at the PlaMor Ball room and the entertainment was Bobby Layne (heart throb!). I really like the Bobby Layne Orchestra and when I looked on their events calendar, I noticed nothing was on the schedule for the next few months. So I clicked the e-mail contact us link and asked if there was indeed nothing on the schedule. I got an e-mail back, from Bobby himself, saying that he was playing that week for an anniversary and I could come as his guest. So I went and had a fantastic time!

I'm also considering going to Greg Spevak tomorrow (also big band) but I'm really looking forward to the Tommy Bishop Band (big band) and their 60th anniversary party on Sept. 5. If you're interested, here's the schedule (or as my junior high school Bible teacher from Australia would say, shed-ule).

I love old people — maybe it was the first 6 years of my work-force life that I spent employed at nursing homes and assisted living facilities, but really the elderly are an exciting demographic. This was confirmed when I learned this past weekend on NPR's news quiz show, Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, that senior citizens living in retirement communities report having "relations" at least twice a month. Shocked but not entirely surprised (is that possible, because really I think that was my reaction).

Question

2007-08-26T19:54:00.000-07:00

If one were to apply for the Marketing Manager Position at Cook's Ham, would that be considered a conflict of interests, if one was a vegetarian?

Mindreader

2007-08-19T10:31:00.001-07:00

How can this work?

http://www.niehs.nih.gov/kids/mindread/psychicSparkle2.swf

SAVE THE DATE -- August 27, 2007 (It's a Monday, not a Saturday)

2007-08-17T10:42:00.001-07:00

I've been Jazzercising for a month and a half now and I absolutely love it. I reluctantly went to a class with a friend from work that wanted me to join (Heather). I was thinking no way, not my thing. Odly, I was wrong. This is way my thing. I love it. Sometimes I go twice a day. Today I'm going three times.

So I wanted to let you all know that August 27 is open house for the North 27th street Jazzercise facility. (Conveniently located next to Eileen's Colossal Cookies) Come on out and try any one of the classes for free.

Just so you have an idea of how much I love Jazzercise, I signed-up to babysit jazzercise kids one hour, twice a week, during classes so that I can go for free. It's not terribly expensive with a monthly pass, but really I couldn't justify it in my budget since I have a workout facility available to me at the office (but you look kind of silly bouncy around all by yourself and it is not nearly as much fun). I regularly go to the evening classes but a couple times a week I make it in for the 5:40 AM classes. The evening class demographic includes: Students (college and high school ages) and working white collar professionals. (All women but I'm hoping Daniel will attend the open house and break down some stereotypes.) We like pop and hip-hop and we wear capris and tank tops. A word of caution: The 5:40 AM class is an entirely different animal. They are a group of fun-loving 40-60 somethings that aren't afraid to embrace tight spandex on not-so-spandex-friendly-physics. (I know, sometimes I can't look away. I want to, but I can't.) They wear the biker short type spandex. You know the ones you used to wear under your umbros, except they don't wear the umbros. Note: If you try to take their spot or over-step your boundary onto their spot, look-out you're getting mowed down. These ladies take no prisoners and they like to jazzercise to the 70s and 80s music.

I recommend Jackie's class at 5:30 PM on Wednesday's. She's known as the drill sergeant and she will work you. I like her music choices also, mostly modern selections. I also really like Tria. She has a couple of evening classes 7:50, also a couple of 4:20s durring the week. She does a great job.

But here's a treat for you. This is Judy, she invented Jazzercise, and yes her head is shaped like a bullet.

Are these showing up?

2007-08-10T06:01:00.001-07:00

googly-eyes

2007-08-09T10:03:00.003-07:00

Advertisements that I'm lovin'

2007-08-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

"Meet/Meat me at Applebees" radio jingle, heard on KFRX 102.7. Goofy and catchy, this one is sure to leave you smiling, but probably not heading for Applebees.

Heard directly following the Applebee's jingle was an ad for Ashley Lynn's tanning salon. This ad features a couple of presumably shallow/ditzy females saying phrases like "I tan to keep up with my roommate's tan" and "Guys like girls with a tan," and "When I'm at the club, and I'm tan, I feel like I get more glances . . . and I do." But the best part is when the ad seems to come to a close and the listener suddenly hears a little newys-newscaster music intro (something you might hear along with the phrase "This just in") and the announcer says, "now for an important UV light update" then launches into statistics that say midwesterners are more prone to vitamin D defficiency than those who live on the coast. Artificial UVA/B is beneficial because. . . .

Funny.

But even funnier is the new electronic billboard (N. 27th st.) that now features an ad for same Ashley Lynn's salon: Two tanned and sinewy young adults next to the phrase "Faster and Darker". The best part of this is that the electronic billboard features several ads at once and switches to the next ad, which happens to be for St. Elizabeth's Medical Center, and reads: "If It's Cancer, Now What?"

This reminded me of another billboard I saw (West "O" ) which says, "Double-play, get KC Royals and Worlds of fun tickets for $29.00. From a marketing perspective, I thought that was a pretty good sales pitch. The two things kind of go together, you're already in KC, so why not? So I was thinking that St. E's should work out some sort of 2-fer-1 deal with Ashly Lynn's. Buy a year unlimited tanning, cancer screenings included?

Yep, that's why I make the big bucks in the marketing department.

a bumper sticker can say so much about a person

2007-08-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Like for example, my bumper sticker--clean water, our link to living-- Actually I didn't choose that bumper sticker as it was chosen (and placed) for me. I'm not sure what that says about me.

On the way to work this morning I saw a bumber sticker that said "I break for Kobolds." I didn't know what a kobold was so I thought I should find out. Where can I find a quick and reliable answer to my question? Wikipedia of course, because (in the words of Michael Scott) “Wikipedia is the best thing ever. Anyone in the world can write anything they want about any subject, so you know you are getting the best possible information.”

So this is what I found as far as the Kobold goes:

Kobolds are spirits of German folklore. The name comes from "Kobe" = house, hut and the word "hold" = comely, good (Paul Hermann, "Deutsche Mythologie") and is often translated in English as goblin.

The most common version, Heinzelmännchen, is similar to Robin Goodfellow and brownies: as household elves of ambivalent nature, they sometimes perform domestic chores, but play malicious tricks if not appeased (Hinzelmann is a particular example).

Kobold is often used in German to translate the word 'Leprechaun', a type of Irish fairy goblin.

So I'm thinking ok, now I know what a Kobold is, great. That is not a very funny or clever bumper sticker, so whatever. And as I scroll further down the page, I see that Kobolds are well known in the gaming circles and were made popular by Dungeons and Dragons (I refuse to link to dungeons and dragons anything). Still not a funny bumpersticker.

Bumper Sticker's I love:

"This is what a radical feminist looks like" especially when older white guy is driving daughter's borrowed car in the south.

"Sweet as Candy" especially when seen on an early 90's escort wagon driven by a hipster-hippy.

"And so, you know you are right."

2007-07-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

2007-07-24T10:54:00.001-07:00

Tagging?

2007-07-19T10:41:00.000-07:00

I'm new to this, well this blog-form anyways, if we're talking freeze tag or cartoon tag then it's game on. But here it is:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.

2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. People who are tagged need to write in their own blog about their eight things and include these rules in the post.

4. At the end of your post, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Ok and now for 8 random facts (in order as they come to me):

1. I actually enjoy Daniel's rendition of "Lip Gloss," in fact I heard him sing it before Lil Mama and was disappointed when I heard Lil Mama. Now that's a good cover.

2. I refuse to wear peep-toe style shoes. My big toe is slightly shorter than my other toes and since the peep toe only shows where one's big toe would typically appear, my big toe appears to be MIA.

3. I've been diagnosed with a fainting disorder. When I was younger (8-10) I fainted on a regular basis and after months of brain scans and heart monitoring test stuff, doctors were still unable to determine the cause.

4. Places I've fainted: piano recital, piano class, elevators, cars, bathroom (after stepping out of the bath I fainted and managed to give myself a black eye from the porcelain tub, which my best friend told everyone that he had given me for stepping out of line.

5. I'm scared of heights

6. I wish my hair was naturally curly

7. My mother saved two baby birds that had fallen out of their nest during a bad storm. The mother had abandoned them and so my mother scooped them up in their nest and brough them inside. She preheated the oven to the lowest temperature and placed the next on a cookie sheet in the oven (to warm the birds, not cook them). For the next couple of months she chopped up worms dug up by my brothers and I from the garden to feed the baby birds. The birds grew bigger and learned to ride on the handle bars of my bike as I pedaled us around the neighborhood.

8. I had a pet hamster who's intestines fell out of it's body. I woke up to this curious display of medical science and picked up my broken hamster to show my mom, who was still sleeping. She called the vet and took the hamster in to be examined. The vet explained the condition and also explained that surgery was a possibility but he wasn't sure of the survival odds as he did not perform many of them. When my mom relayed this to my father, his response was "of course not, because nobody takes a sick hamster to the vet."

I'll Call Him Stampy

2007-07-18T05:55:00.000-07:00

Last week many of the directors were out of the office attending the national conference and expo hosted by our "sister" organization. There were conference calls back and forth as we got more details regarding the hostile take-over attempted on our office that has been underway for almost 12 months (Sidebar, the theme of the National Conference [chosen by our sister organization] is World Domination Tour 2007). After an hour-long conference call, the office executive administer asked us"So, anything exciting happening back there?"

A little background and a rewind to ealier that week. Background: To the immediate rear of our office property is a nature reserve that stretches north, south and east for several miles. We regulary see a small variety of wildlife passing through. At this point the Human/Resources facility person usually announces on the intercom that there is a _______(insert adjective here i.e., cute, quick, lively, little)________(another adjective i.e., brown, multi-colored, large, small)_______(insert noun here i.e., fox, deer, goose, raccoon, duck) outside of ________(insert location, i.e., Scott's office, the conference room). At this point some of us rush to the window to see the wildlife and some even keep binoculars handy to get a closer look.

So earlier that week my office neighbor Heather points out the window and says, "hey is that a tent?" Sure enough, way off into the distance is a modest but brightly colored tent. There is a man who resembles the viral marketing director for chaps ralph lauren sitting a little ways away from the tent. Scott pulls out the binoculars to further investigate.

"Ahhhhhhhhh," Scott rips the binoculars away, "my eyes, my eyes." Turns out we have caught the visitor in a not-so-private act of defocation, which explains the squatting. I'm tempted to pick up the intercom line and announce that there is a homely stranger relieving himself outside of Scott's office. I decide against using the intercom but quickly go to the closest office to announce our guest. Pretty soon there is a small crowd gathered in Scott's office. "What's he doing now?" "Wait, where did he go, I can't see him."

Fastfoward to the conference call with the office administrator later that week. "So, anything exciting happening back there?" Second in command, the exam director, replies with "Actually we have a homeless guy living out back and we're feeding him donuts."

But the next day we arrive to see that Stampy is packing up the tent. I wonder where he will go. I've gotten attached to him these last few days and truly I'm sad that he is leaving us. Maybe he will come back. If you love something you have to set it free . . .

I love Wal-Mart

2007-07-12T05:43:00.000-07:00

Reason #37

A couple of weeks ago I decided to return some drapes that I had impulse bought a few days before. I hadn't even hung them to see if I like them or not when buyer's remorse was already setting in. I gathered up the bag and headed to Wal-Mart mid-morning on a Saturday.

I love Wal-Mart for the cultural experience, (especially the cultural experience found at the N. 27th street location) and that's why I chose mid-morning on a Saturday to do my returning. I head to customer service and see that the line is curling out of the customer service cave and spilling into the main front aisle. Doesn't worry me. I've got nothing but time and an entire store full of prime people-watching candidates. I'm about 10th in line when a petite woman in her late fifties takes her place behind me.

"Whoa, what a line!" she says.
I reply with, "oh yeah, Saturday morning though, everybody's out."
"Do you think they can look up my store card?" she asks.
"Hmmm, I don't know" (I didn't even know Wal-Mart offered a store card).
"I have an account, but I can't find the card and I need to charge my shopping today."
"oh, hmm, I'm not sure if the can do that or not."
"They look up my account at Sears"
"oh."
"All the time, even"
"oh."
"Well, it doesn't matter. I'm filing for bankruptcy next month anyways."
"oh."
"I just can't find a job as good as the last one."
Finally something I felt I could add a little more to than just 'oh'. "Well, the job market is tight right now, I have friends that are looking for jobs."
"Well, they fired me from my last job because they don't think I'm over my granddaughter being murdered."
"oh." (I'm back to the ohs, but inside my head I'm shouting "holy crap lady!").
"My daughter's boyfriend murdered her, NOT the baby's father — he's in jail. He never even knew Alli existed."
"oh."
"It's because of those projects she was living in, in Omaha."
(I wasn't aware of any "projects" in Omaha.) "oh," I reply.
"A lot of B-L-A-C-K-Ss," she spells.
Now I look around in horror. This woman has a voice that carries and I smile nervously at the black shoppers ahead and behind me in line. I'm hoping that my facial expressions convey that I don't know this woman, I just met her, and I LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

I chose this as Reason #37 because I was inspired by a beer billboard on West "O" that reads Golden Rule Number 23: Never have rims that are worth more than your car. I like that billboard. And I like the silliness of starting with #23. At least I haven't seen 1-22 anywhere around town. So I'm starting off my I love Wal-Mart series with #37.

Tech Support

2007-05-14T10:57:00.002-07:00

I recently spoke with Dish Network regarding my account. I can't even explain it, too frustrating. So, for the nuts and bolts of the story: I call and ask about a mysterious item (charge) on my statement, and because there is no scripted answer for my question, I get a scripted answer to every question except mine. I cancelled my service. My current service provider is my antenna. I'm loving every minute of it. Seriously. There's too many channels out there and now that I don't have them I find that I didn't really need them after all. So liberating. I recommend it.

FOAMY

Friday, 6:13 in the "P" "M"

2007-05-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

ok, i'm about to cry, I rode my bike home from work and one of my wedged espadrilles fell out of my backpack. Actually I have the car of African-Americans to thank for informing me that my backpack zipper was half unzipped. They kept honking at me and I tried to ignore them for a block, thinking it was just your average white female heckling/cat calling in T-town, but thanks to them that's when I noticed a shoe was missing. So I turn around and head back the 6 miles to my office, never finding the missing shoe, and now I type teary-eyed before riding home. It's ok, they're just shoes, I tell myself. Then I answer myself with "no they're not, damn it. NO THEY ARE NOT."

The Office (part 2)

2007-05-02T10:03:00.000-07:00

So when the exam director returns from vacation, what does she have for her hard-working assistants? Fancy new pens, pencils and post-it notes!

2007-04-27T10:41:00.000-07:00

the office

2007-04-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

The exam director was on vacation all last week. Things I find interesting about her: She has an aversion to all condiments (ketchup, mustard, mayo, relish, ranch, etc.) I once asked her how she can eat a dry sandwich. She said she butters the bread (yuk!). She also refuses to write with yellow number two pencils and yellow post-it notes. Her aversion here is not directed toward the color yellow, but toward things that are ordinary. She likes bright and bold inks and pencils with flair.

So while the exam director is on vacation her assistants decide to confiscate her collection of fancy pens and pencils and brightly colored post-it notes. They come to me for help in creating a ransom note poster (as a graphic designer I get these kinds of requests all the time). My first suggestion was to go old-school and cut out letters from magazines. They didn't have the patience for that, so my next suggestion was to Google it. I was surprise to find a "ransom-note generator" available, and even more surprised to find that there are many. Who new there was such a demand?

Here's one I made:

I really like the choice of white or yellow paper on this one

So get to ransom-ing!

HTML Help Please!

2007-04-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I thought maybe I'd switch my template out. I'm regretting it now, but I didn't have the forsight to save my old template incase this little adventure didn't work out. Moving on. You'll notice that my links, profile, archives, that used to appear to the right of the top postings has now moved to the bottom of my page. If you didn't notice, go ahead and scroll to the bottom of my page. Go ahead, I'll wait . . .

Why did this happen? I don't know because the pre-designed template I chose showed these elements in the same location as my old blog template. "No problem," I say to myself. After all, I have taken Web Page Design 1 from Northeast Community College. "I'll just go into the html editor and move the elements myself." When I go into the HTML editor the links are no where to be found, so why are they showing up on the bottom of my page at alL? Weird. Suggestions anyone?

2007-04-11T11:02:00.001-07:00

http://www.scarymonkey.net/movies/2pacbarney.php

2007-03-27T17:22:00.001-07:00

Hank: So many squirrels, so little time.

Slade: Always watch out for #1 (but don't step in #2 either)

Recommendation: Chuck Norris Widgets.

2007-02-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

For those of you using a mac, I highly recommend the Chuck Norris Facts Widget. For those of you not using a Mac, I don't know where to begin . . .

Samples:

Chuck Noris has two speeds: Walk, and Kill

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It is a chucktatorship.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Some people wear superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Things That Irritate Me (here's one — more to come)

2007-02-15T15:16:00.000-08:00

Joint e-mail addresses for married couples. Example: soandso_plus_soandso@somewhere.com. I expect married couples to share things like minutes in their cellular plans, the newspaper, a sandwich. But sharing e-mails? Why? Is it a trust issue? Is it too much trouble to have to forward an e-mail on to a spouse? Are you three-way calling everyone as well? These are my questions.

King Kong: Home of the All-American Gyro

2007-02-07T05:59:00.001-08:00

So I'm driving back from the boats on a Saturday night. My friend and I decided to stop for dinner. We argued over where and finally settled on a restaurant that neither of us had ever been to. I was sucked in by the dozen gorillas — ranging from very small to larger than life — resting in the front lawn. My friend was lured in by the 2 lb. Kong Burger listed on the sign that the larger than life Gorilla was holding. I ordered a vegetarian gyro. This was my first ever gyro, so I have no other gyro experience to compare with. This one came with American cheese, which I thought was odd, but again what do I know about gyro ingredients. It was tasty, and who doesn't love gorilla lawn ornaments? I give it 4 stars (that's 4 out of 4 stars for anyone who's wondering why not five?)

Belief-O-Matic

2007-01-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

So I took the old Belief-O-Matic quizz, forwarded to me by my brother, and was interested to learn that my leanings are 100% Quaker Orthodox. I'm still 91% SDA, I don't know if that would make my mom proud or disappointed, since it was still 3rd place, behind the Quakers and the Mormons. I'm wondering how I ranked so high on the Mormon scale. I don't remember any questions that asked "how would you feel about being a part of your husband's harem, including (but not limited too) 14+ other wives." What else are they known for? Oh yea, "how would you like to go door to door in pairs and try to save some souls?". Nope, I don't remember that one either.

Your Results:

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.

1. Orthodox Quaker (100%)
2. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (94%)
3. Seventh Day Adventist (91%)
4. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (89%)
5. Jehovah's Witness (87%)
6. Bahá'í Faith (80%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (75%)
8. Orthodox Judaism (75%)
9. Eastern Orthodox (73%)
10. Roman Catholic (73%)
11. Liberal Quakers (70%)
12. Jainism (65%)
13. Islam (63%)
14. Theravada Buddhism (61%)
15. Mahayana Buddhism (61%)
16. Hinduism (60%)
17. Sikhism (58%)
18. Unitarian Universalism (48%)
19. Reform Judaism (47%)
20. Neo-Pagan (45%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (44%)
22. New Age (36%)
23. Taoism (34%)
24. Secular Humanism (34%)
25. Scientology (25%)
26. Nontheist (24%)
27. New Thought (24%)

Arrrrghhh

2007-01-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

Why does the night cleaning guy have to put my trashcan in a different area in my office everytime he cleans? Cause dagnabbit, I'm tired of hunting for it every other day when I have a snotty tissue in my hand. It's going to be a yeasty day at the office today.

Embarassing Moments

2007-01-03T10:42:00.001-08:00

I was kickin' it with Cate and Sam last night. We drove accross town to the venue for drinks. Why? I do not know because the roads were icy, and when we arrived, we found the coctails to be obscenely overpriced. But you can't put a price on good friends and good stories. Cate was perched timidly on the fine leather lounge chair and kept racing to the restroom as she had a case of the "McGurggles," except that this time the McGurggles were not caused from an indulgence of fast food but rather the spicy curry-love of The Oven, one of Lincoln's Indian restaurants. Sam and I were giggling like children at Cate's predicament, and Cate, not wanting to cut the evening short, put on a brave face going to and from the restroom. To ease her shame, I told her how a couple of weeks ago I had my hair done at an upscale salon, well as upscale as you can get in Lincoln, but still pretty fancy. When paying the bill, the dark and stormy male receptionist asked me to fill out a new customer conact information sheet. I obliged and began scrawling away until I noticed half-way down the page that I was leaving a trail of blood and had forgotton to dot a couple of "I"s. I let the "I"s off the hook and examined my hand and noticed that a paper cut from the previous day had bursted open from the slight pressure of the pen in my hand. I was mortified and tried to rub away the blood, well actually it was more of a smear around my hand. But still, I thought this might look less conspicuous. (I know this seems silly but it's all I had). So I'm fidgeting around while the receptionist finishes processing my credit card. I hand him my contact sheet and mention casually, "Oh, there's seems to be a smudge on there," as he eyes it suspiciously. At least I didn't start bleeding until he had already punched in the amount on the credit card machine. If I were him, I might have included a clean-up fee on the ticket.

The Good Shepherd

2006-12-28T06:00:00.000-08:00

A neighbor died over the weekend. Her 3 year-old nuetered/male German Shepherd slid open the window and broke out the screen on her 2nd floor apartment. He is now homeless and temporarily staying with me. He's a great dog who is looking for a great companion to take care of him. Let me know if you know of anyone who is interested. I would keep him but I already have two dogs and a cat. He loves playing with my coonhound Hank and gets along well with everyone. He is used to living indoors and is well-trained and housebroken.

2006-12-14T05:52:00.000-08:00

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

"What Does that do to you?

2006-12-01T05:53:00.000-08:00

Does that blow your mind? That just happened."

This is what I say to our IT guy after 45 mins of him spewing out technical gobbeldy-gook about the printer problem and then I end up solving the technical crisis. The HR chic was having trouble printing on envelopes from a mail merge. Now, I too find the (microsoft office) mail merge territory to be a scary, dangerous place. So the problem is that the microsoft "wizard" leads us to believe our merge is complete and now we just press the print button when we're ready. So we press the print button and 1 of our 250 envelopes print. We try this about 10 times getting the same result. (yes, I know the definition of insanity) So IT guy starts to blame the little HP deskjet that we are trying to use. It doesn't have enough ram, you're overloading it, why aren't you using the Konica Biz Hub? So IT guy switches printers and, guess what, same problem. He's pitching a fit and I say "hey, isn't this why you make the big bucks" so we head back to the computer and I suggest looking at a print preview. Hhhmmm the pages are not scrolling from 1-250. Its only showing page 1. Could this be because the wizard didn't complete the merge? Turns out I'm right—after we close the wizard and click the "merge to printer" everything is fixed. So that's when I start my victory dance and recitation of Ricky Bobby in Talledega Nights. IT guy says he's still taking credit for my fix, because he's the IT guy and he should get all the credit.

Lesson Learned: Mail merge won't print if you didn't complete the "merge to printer."

Oh those Baristas.

2006-11-15T14:34:00.000-08:00

Roomate Jamie and I went out to YiaYia's last night to meet up with a couple of old friends we used to work with at a local coffee shop. While we were there we ran into another former Barista, visiting from California. Angie spies him first and says "hey there's Clark, remember that time we were working the closing shift and got him wasted and then made him where our clothes." I had completely forgotten about this evening. But the picture of hard-bodied Clark, scantilly dressed in a lady's tanktop came quickly back to my memory, just as the picture of college girls giggling and wondering if he was purposely wearing ladies clothing. . .

As promised . . .

2006-11-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

Miss Montana 2005 (picture taken October 19, 2006). If you don't recognize her she said she was blond when she competed for Miss America.

"Oh, I didn't recognize you without your sash"

2006-10-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

A former Miss Montana is now working in my office. We requested a temporary assistant from Celebrity Staffing and we got Miss Montana. So far I really like her. I found out that she was a former Miss America contestent from her resume that was e-mailed to everyone following her hire date (this is a customary procedure at work). So when she showed up I introduced myself and said, "You must be Miss Montana" and "Can take your picture for my blog?" She laughed. I think she thought I was kidding. Stay tuned because I'm still hoping to get a picture. I wonder if she runs red lights like Miss Nebraska.

Nebraska, it really is the good life.

2006-09-26T11:59:00.001-07:00

and here's why: David Sedaris is coming to Omaha.
Anyone else going?

In case you missed out on all the "Talk like a Pirate Day" fun this year. . .

2006-09-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

You can be sure you're ready for next year's Sept 19.

Check out the pirate translator

and be sure to find a pirate name with the pirate name generator.

Strangers with Candy

2006-08-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

I saw this film last night. It was everything I hoped it would be, such as awesome. I highly recommend it, especially if you enjoyed the television series.

I saw this ad on myspace

2006-07-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

Finally, an internet dating service with some standards. Ha. Ellen, you mentioned having some difficulty finding an affordable shithole in Urbana, maybe you can find a live-in on this site:
Sugar-Daddy Finder

Lincoln-based Best Friend Position Available - now accepting applications.

2006-07-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

My best-friend Ellen is abadoning me here in lincoln to move on to bigger and better things (she hopes). Good thing I didn't spring for the Best Friends heart lockett.

I will be needing a new lincon-based best friend. I'm looking for someone who is witty (you have big shoes to fill in this department), likes to try new things (especially fly-by-the-night Mexican "restaurants"), doesn't mind coonhounds, occasionally will accompany me to church when the mood strikes me, enjoys taking long walks (well that's more for Hank than me), enjoys consignment store / thrift store shopping, enjoys playing soccer but isn't too good, enjoys the occasional cocktail.

Must provide references and must have a proven track record of success. College degree a plus.

Blogger

2006-07-11T05:45:00.000-07:00

I'm bored with you.

The SSDBRD (Self-Service Dead Bird Removal Department) Double-Bags It

2006-06-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

So Jamie (my replacement hippi roommate) mentions that we have a dead bird out by the sidewalk. "Don't we need to call someone," she asks?

So I call Animal Control and get a hold of Sherry who asks me a series of questions—Name, Date of Birth, Address, location of dead bird. Then she asks me what kind of bird it is. I don't know. In fact I didn't even go and look at the dead bird, I just took Jamie's word that it was dead, thinking that would be the most important detail to this call. So I put Sherry on hold (I cover the mouthpiece of my cell phone) and ask Jamie what kind of bird it is. She doesn't know either. Sherry asks if we think it is a crow or blue-jay or sparrow. No we don't think it is. Sherry then says that she only tests crows and blue-jays and sparrows, "ok, just go ahead and double-bag it and throw it away."

Hhhmmm. Thanks for all your help Sherry this has been a deligh. . .WAIT JUST A MINUTE. I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK UP THIS DEAD BIRD? ME?? I don't think so sher-bear.

So the bird is still dead and still on my sidewalk. I'm thinking of calling back tomorrow and pretending to be someone else reporting a dead "crow-like" bird near the same address. And if I don't get any further I might call the Bat removal professionals located in the Mariposa building on 12th and G street. No doubt they will be more helpful than Sherry.

do you smell your age?

2006-06-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Last week my marketing department met with an outside marketing firm to discuss strategic planning (yes, this invloves "strategery") and the launching of a new product.

We tossed around the usual marketing jargon and posed some options. I was distracted from contributing my usual 100% due to the cloud of stank surrounding the visiting marketer. He appeared to be in his late sixties. He had age spots. His hair was very wiry and gray. It frizzed out from the sides and back of his head, leaving a crop-circle of sun-worn skin on top. I couldn't stop trying to pin-point the smell, but thanks to my very first job as a nursing home dietary aid, it was a smell I had encountered before.

I decided to google "why do old people smell" and this is what I came up with.

I noticed recently while chatting to an elderly fellow that old people have a distinctive smell. Babies have a distinctive smell but I attributed this to a diet of milk/formula. Why do old people smell old?

From: DigitalRadio1918 19/10/99 10:53:16
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 984
Steve This one's for you.

You said it not me.

DigitalRadio1918

Bye the way Catie is not me.

Love ya Catie.

From: Simon 19/10/99 11:50:45
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 999
They smell because they all eat dog food because of the standard of living the Howard regime left old people in. You would smell to if you ate dog food for every meal!

From: brad 19/10/99 12:45:36
Subject: re: Old people smell post id: 1016
It's not dog food - it's a combination of urine and disillusionment. Chemically, it may be a precursor to formaldehyde.
I love old people. I just couldn't eat a whole one.
brad

What do old people smell of. Please pick one or add your own:

Spaghetti
Deap Heat
Wet cardboard
Wet dogs
Corned beef
Bingo halls
Fust
Melted plastic
all of the above
you'll find out soon enough
necrotizing flesh
Human Fermentation
Mold spores
Ben-Gay
Moth Balls
DEPENDS!
Vitamins and wet skin
icy hot
Teresa Heinz Kerry
death
Musty books

I guess I'm not the only one out here who has noticed this trend. Personally I think that elderly people generally have an unpleasant aroma, but its not always the same brand of unpleasantness. I think our visiting marketer was more of a discouragement/musty linens combo.

World, here you go.

2006-06-07T10:42:00.000-07:00

YOU HAD OSO WITH OUT ME?

Karen says: (12:33:16 PM)
I almost called you but I was going to the dog run and eating on the way and I know you probably wouldn't want to go to the dog run.

Karen says: (12:33:27 PM)
I onlly wish the OSO was a little less expensive.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:43 PM)
well.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:46 PM)
you pay for what you get.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:33:54 PM)
deliciousness.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:34:03 PM)
and no stomach ache afterwards.

Karen says: (12:34:15 PM)
but i feel that it is on the same level as the veggie from de leons, and de leons is cheaper.

Karen says: (12:34:36 PM)
plus they have the lard included in the purchase price

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:34:38 PM)
i think they are pretty different.

Karen says: (12:34:46 PM)
different but equal in quality

Karen says: (12:35:17 PM)
both large, both delicious

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:35:23 PM)
i wouldn't say equal in quality of ingredients. or cleverness in putting things together.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:35:49 PM)
de leon's fulfills the greasy fast food niche and OSO moves up to casual dining.

Karen says: (12:36:42 PM)
Is OSO organic? If they were then I would say they should be more expensive. Oso moves into casual dining only by dining ambiance within establishment. Since I got the OSO to go, they are on the same level.

Karen says: (12:37:21 PM)
If OSO used a lard tortilla I would relinquish a point for cleverness in putting things together.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:24 PM)
i don't know if htey're organic. they use better ingredients, hands down.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:44 PM)
but moving on.

Karen says: (12:37:45 PM)
not if they're shopping at super saver with the greatful bread proprietors.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:37:53 PM)
well, you don't know that.

Karen says: (12:38:01 PM)
neither do you!

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:38:09 PM)
moving on!

Karen says: (12:38:23 PM)
i think we should open this discussion up to the blogger community (lincoln based, that is)

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:38:48 PM)
why not open it up to the world!

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:10 PM)
but scott would say he likes chipotle the best.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:21 PM)
and chipotle doesn't count because it's not local. and then there's the argument about that.

Elenita, witch woman says: (12:39:37 PM)
have you checked my blog lately?

Team Phartman (pronounced fartman)

2006-06-06T05:54:00.000-07:00

I'd like to report that Team Phartman (that's "P" for Parks and "Hartman" for er, Hartman) has been steadily improving their cornhole/Joe Dummy/Bean bag skills. I'd like to give a shout out to Ben Yancer who really boosted my corn-hole self-confidence.

Look out for Thursday, as "it will have been broughten."

Crazy dog lady

2006-05-29T09:58:00.000-07:00

My mom came to visit last weekend. She brought her dogs, Autumn (german shepherd), Holiday (boxer mix). Sid (pit bull) didn't make the trip because he's too obnoxious.

The dogs played in the yard together and the kids next door came over to pet them. My mom said "so are you known as the dog lady in your neighborhood?" I laughed, this is what my mom is known as by the neighborhood kids near her house.

"No, I don't think so, thank goodness."

But then yesterday I was filling up the lexus (no dogs) at the BP station on south and 17th. I went in to pay for my gas and the woman ahead of me in line said hi and smiled warmly. I said hi back. Then she said, "are you the girl with the hound dogs on Sumner?"

I laughed, "yeah that's me."

I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Heidi Leather Heat

2006-05-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

I received this handy chart from a former co-worker, it's fun but I usually rely on the "name of your first pet + Mom's maiden name" for determining my stripper name.

See what your stripper name will be, and share it with your friends:

1. Use the last letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = Fantasia
b = Lovely
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the first letter of your middle name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

I'm addicted

2006-05-07T11:16:00.000-07:00

I can't keep myself from checking myspace anytime I'm near a computer. I've been found by a few former coworkers from my very first job (at 14) when I worked as a dietary aid at St. Leonard Center in Dayton, OH. A few old k-12 classmates have found me as well, my page is probably also been viewed by vice-busy body Linda Becker, who I learned has been fretting over the evils of myspace. She's compiling a stack of Union College students that have posted unsavory content. (I don't think she wants to admit it but I think she likes that myspace gives her a new way to apprehend wayward Union College students). I'm probably lying in a pile of printouts on her desk, but I'm told that she doesn't concern herself with the alumni. Right, maybe not now, but she has summer vacation fast approaching and I'm guessing that she will have a little more spare time on her hands. Anyway Linda, I think you shouldn't be so harsh on myspace. I appreciate my good friends Steve Zisou and Ellen White dropping by. In Fact, Ellen White left a comment wishing me a happy Sabbath just yesterday. What's wrong with that?

Scott, I was thinking we should e-mail Ellen White and get her to send a friend request to Linda, I noticed Linda didn't have many friends.

Yikes! need your help!

2006-05-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

So an update on my personal life:

You remember J-Dawg, I was crazy about him like 3 months ago, now I'm not so crazy about him and I need a plan for us to break-up. And recently separating looks to be a bit more complicated since he lost his job due to fratenizing with one of the volunteers (me) at the animal shelter he managed. So I told him he could move in with me. What the hell was I thinking. He's driving me crazy. All those little quirks that used to be cute, definitely annoying me now. I thought it was cute that he was so affectionate and always wanted to hold me tight. Now I am being squeezed to death. But I feel a little guilty since it is only since he met me that he has become homeless/jobless. I don't like feeling that I may have ruined someone's life.

On another note today I got an e-mail myspace message from an old friend. This old friend mentioned that he and his wife yadda yadda yadda, and I have to admit my heart sank a little. I totally had a crush on him, and even though I haven't thought about him for years, I think I still have a crush on him. Oh well... that's life, which only made me more depressed about the perfectly nice guy I have waiting for me at home but only drives me crazy, and not in the good way.

More Products We Love: Formal Complaints!

2006-04-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

I've been introduced to the wonderful world of complaint-filing. Thanks to my friend Jeff who had been surprised by a voicemail left by Officer "D", saying, "we need to talk." Why would officer "D" need to talk to my friend Jeff? Turns out Jeff's doubles partner for the Lincoln Tennis Association is a little crazy. Jeff admitted to being a little growchy at the last match, and he felt bad about it so he contacted his doubles partner later via e-mail and appologized for his growchy beavior. Crazy doubles partner then filed a complaint with the Lincoln Police Department, outlining the fact that jeff played poorly and then forced his e-ppology on her.

I had no idea you could file a complaint for this type of thing, and I assume if this is an acceptable complaint, the parameters are pretty wide. So I'd like to file a complaint against Daniel because he played too well during our cornhole match on Sat. I will also be filing this complaint against Scott and Serhiy, who also played better than me. Ellen don't worry, you're in the clear.

The good news is that Jeff won't have to worry about any more awkward tennis matches in the near future. I guess his crazy doubles partner will be moving back to Dallas next month because she has found it difficult to make friends here in lincoln. I can't imagine why.

Daniel, Scott, Serhiy: You're on Notice!

Well Bryant this makes for two times that I've thought of you today

2006-04-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

The first being the corn pancakes with blueberry-orange syrup recipe that I said I would mail to you weeks ago. (I mailed it tonight).

The second is from this picture. It looked like something you might think to rig up, in a pinch.

Don't miss this deal !
This is not a joke. I verified it on the urban legends websites...

You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores:

Super Saver
Wal-Mart
Russ' Market
Sam's Club
Target
Shopko

It's Random Products Review Time!

2006-04-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

Products we love:

Cap'n Crunch. I had this cereal for the first time this week. Since I was out of my Organic Cocoa Koala Crisp from the co-op I decided to mooch some of Jamie's Cap'n crunch. Sweet. Corn-y. Stays crunchy in soy milk. Delicious.

Dr. Bonner's Pure Castille Soap (pepermint). I normally get Dr. Bonner's Pure Castille soap in the almond variety, but since the new job came with earlier hours I've been feeling a little sluggish in the mornings and thought that the pepermint might pep me up a little. It did. I found out though that the pepermint pep is a little to peppy when washing intimate areas of the body. Just a word of caution. I found this out when I ran out of my Johnson and Johnson's 1/3 body lotion baby wash which I generally use for more delicate washing terrain.

Products we hate:

State Troopers with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than pull people over leaving the Golden Eagle casino at 6 miles over the speed limit in a test drive vehicle.

I'd just like everyone to know

2006-04-05T14:44:00.000-07:00

that my new bra, (thanks to Daniel's rescue mission) the new seamless demi from Victoria's Secret is working out fantastically. I figured I would give my review since Ellen mentioned in her post about my new bra; I guess it is no longer Victoria's "secret."

Extremely comfortable: So comfortable that I forgot to take it off last night when I fell asleep. Although this could have been because I was extrememly tired. But still, didn't awake to any itchy straps. The material is very soft and a hi-tech blend of spandex and something else I forgot.

Support: It's a cost-effective boob job alternative. These babies are comfortable secured but still allow for just the right amount of bounce.

Affordable: not really, but I had a ten dollar off coupon.

I give it 4 stars. (that's 4 out of 4 ellen, just to clear up any confusion)

My appologies. . .

2006-04-03T20:48:00.000-07:00

for this ridiculously long hiatus from blogger. You see, I got a new job and I started last week. It's going really really well but let me tell you, giving 100% and putting your best foot forward everyday requires lots and lots of time and effort. I had no idea. Plus, I've been juggling my previous job duties and trying to fit in some contract work over there for a little extra money. Did I mention that I'm a single dog-mom? My stress level is maxersized. So anyway, I'm back and I can't think of one good story in my entire absence. I've let you down, I know. I wanted to make Ceri snort out loud again. . .
So about my new job: Its totally fantastic. I have the near perfect balance of laid back relaxed work environment with all the benefits (financial rewards, benefits package, office comfortability, job security) of a larger corporation. The people I work with are all very friendly. I went in last Monday with a mindset of do or die. I was totally prepared for a hazing but was pleasantly surprised by friendly chatter, smiling faces, and a powerbook G4 to greet me. I'm smitten with my cubicle. I wanted to do the punching arms into the air/while jogging to the desk dance a la Cobert Report. That's good stuff, but thankfully I was able to stifle it. Didn't want to scare them off on my first day.

I'll keep you posted (more regularly).

Have a good week.

Since you brought it up. . .

2006-03-22T06:24:00.000-08:00

Why is Rich becoming suspicious? Well the other day I overheard Rich as he was in Thomas's office talking about his "big" muscles, his "big" motorcycle, and other "big" things. Rich tends to be a little full of himself and it makes for good fodder. . .

Rich: "So, its going to be riding weather pretty soon, time to get out the chaps" (this was before mammoth snowfall this week)

Thomas: "Yeah, pretty soon."

Rich: "We should go riding together this week, cruise for chicks"

Thomas: "Oh, yeah, I can't, I need to get the oil changed in my bike first, and uh. . .I'm washing my hair tonight." (ok, I made up the last part)

So while this conversation is taking place, I'm cracking up on the inside and I write El to tell her that Rich is trying to corner Thomas into a "riding" date.

Ellen says "Riding?" "Does Thomas have his own bike or will he be straddling Rich?" So then I say, "well, he has his own bike, but I think you should email him that question while Rich is still in his office, then it will 'ding', and he'll look at it while rich is there." So Ellen sends the following email:

From: Ellen
Date: March 15, 2006 2:29:46 PM CST
To: thomas_trumble@hwdental.com
Subject: riding

hi thomas.

i heard you were going to go riding with rich. just wondering if that would be on separate motorcycles or if rich wants you to straddle him?

Meanwhile the two of us can barely contain ourselves with the suspense, did he get it yet? He should have, is he reading it?? Hee hee. LOL. I also thought about why I'm not the best at practical jokes, the suspense is too much, its all I can do to keep myself from running in there and checking Thomas's email for him. But an eternity passes (well at least 5 mins anyway) and Thomas slowly steps out of his office and gives me a glare. At this I bust up laughing. So worth the wait.

He sends Ellen the following response:
From: Thomas Trumble
Date: March 15, 2006 2:42:25 PM CST
To: "Ellen"
Subject: Re: riding

Wow!! Am I wearing a wire?? Did you plant a bug in my office or something? How in the heck (as if I didn't know) did you find that out so fast?? Ok, but I just threw up in my mouth a little. That is about as disgusting as can be, but thanks for asking :)

Ok so fastforward to Monday, when Ellen came down to our office to meet us for lunch. She walks in and I nod towards Thomas's office where rich is talking to him again. Ellen saunters over and creeps up behind Rich and holds her hands up in two fists to rev one like a motorcycle and she winks as she does so. But mid-rev Rich turns around and Ellen tries to quickly conceal her motorcycle hands and says, "oh, why hello Rich" and then Rich slowly backs away and the rest of us are cracking up. That's why he's a bit suspicious.

Scott don't get out your speedo just yet. . .

2006-03-20T18:45:00.000-08:00

It's a bit nippy out here in the Husker state. Quiet snowflakes fell steadily most of the night and morning. Then at approximately 1:30–after I had convinced Elenita that she should walk roughly 10 city blocks to meet Thomas and I for lunch at The Oven–the snow started falling with fury. After lunch, she IM'd me to let me know she had made it back alright but definitely was covered, a walking snow-woman? What a sight for the 3rd week of March and first official day of spring.

When I got to work this morning Jeff let me know that our snow encrusted capital city had been featured on the weather channel. "Wonderful," I said, "Maybe that will fend off all the spring breakers that were planning to vacation in the great plains."

El, Sorry about that misjudgement on the snow letting up.

Ok Blogger, we need to talk.

2006-03-14T06:14:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a myspace account. I only did it so that I could view other peoples pictures and look up old acquaintances and friends. It didn’t mean anything–at first. But one thing led to another, and well I edited my profile, uploaded a couple of pictures . . .you know how it goes. . .and I also added a few friends. I was pretty sure I’d get Ellen and Scott (they’re so easy) but I went out on a limb here and requested that Jeff Carlson be my friend. He’s sooo adorable!! And guess what? He totally accepted.

I just wanted to say I’m sorry Blogger, I still think you have a better layout and a superior eye for design so don’t take this personally.

I hope my tech support contract doesn't get cancelled like my AAA lockout service did

2006-03-13T12:26:00.000-08:00

The great thing about working for a technology company is that I have access to top IT guys. . and I get a priority call flag by harassing them until they help me.

Today my printer was giving me attitude. Now, this is not unusual behavior from my HP Deskjet 1220C (circa 1997?). The last time I had trouble, the printer was going through all the proper motions: Opening Printer Connection, Spooling to Printer, Waiting for Job to Complete, Jop Complete. Yet oddly, no paper was sucked up and no paper printed out. But the HP insisted that the job was completed. After a number of reboots, I gave up and swapped this printer for Jeff the tech support guy's printer. Of course he figured it out when his printer "suddenly" starting having the same symptoms that mine had the week before, and miraculously mine was working again. So he swapped them back. I let mine collect dust for a couple of weeks and then decided what the heck I'll plug it back in and see what happens. I don't know if I was surprised or not (knowing how unpredictable printers can be) but it worked fine.

Until today. I'm sending a job to the printer, and keep getting an error message. So I call tech support. Since Jeff was at lunch I called his cell phone, which he never answers because he knows its me. I leave a message (I mimicked the professional yet panicked tone of our clients that call in with tech support issues): "Hi this is Karen calling from HealthWare Corporation, I'm having a little bit of trouble with my printer this morning, if someone could give me a call back" . . .then I bust up laughing because Thomas is watching me and laughing at my tone of voice. Anyway I spend the rest of the morning cursing at the printer, rebooting, adding and deleting drivers, running system utilities and nothing is working. So I went to lunch. When I get back from lunch I ask Jeff about the printer. His first question, "Is it plugged in?" At this point I have that forhead-slapping moment where I remember that I did unplug the printer USB cable to plug in the CD burner on Friday. So I plug in the printer cable again. It works now.

check it. . .

2006-03-13T07:37:00.000-08:00

try out some japanese games!

the golden touch

2006-03-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

Last week I got some new shoes. I got them when I returned some other shoes and clothes to TJ Max. I decided I shouldn't spend money on these things that I didn't really need. So after I returned them, I checked the shoe department again to see if there were any new items–I found these awesome gold open-toe wedge heels that I really really wanted. Ellen voted no on the premise that they were gold, and wedged, and heels, (all the reasons I was voting yes). I had a bonus $20 to spend on them (that's a whole other post in and of itself) and decided that was reason enough to get them. So I wore them last week to work and got some rave reviews.

1. I got whistled at while crossing the street twice (once in the morning on my way to work by some guy in a truck, the second while leaving work by a girl in a ford focus that smells like rotten eggs—even though that turned out to be my roommate Carean, I'm still counting it).

2. Andrew Chisolm said he thought they were fabulous.

3. Today I went to ACE Hardware to get a couple of keys made. I felt the eyes of the guy behind me and turned to smile and say hello. He said hello back. I waited for my keys to be made and then when the girl came back to ring them up, he offered to pay for my keys. "Thanks!" I said.
So the shoes now only cost $17.04

See Ellen, these babies are on their way to paying for themselves.

I Got Fired

2006-03-07T06:16:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday I opened up my gmail to find a dismissal email from the Animal Shelter that I volunteer at on Sundays. Not only was it dissmissing me, but it also included my good friend Andrea who carpools with me. Hmmmm, I've never been fired before—not from a real job or a volunteer job. There's a first for everything right? (Note to self–take H.U.A animal shelter off of your resumé refrences). The email containes a coupole of veiled threats. I'd like to share it with you, but first let me give you the background. I started dating the shelter mananger, J-Dawg (you may remember him from previous posts rated PG13) a couple months back. I think this may have something to do with me getting fired, much to my surprise however, if anything I thought I might have gotten promoted. So Sally, another volunteer (who happens to be on the board of directors) sends me the following email:

Karen and Andrea,

I don't really know what you've been told, what spin might have been put on it, if any and what your thoughts / plans are. It doesn't really matter.

The last few weeks and even months have been very difficult and things are changing. Many things need to change.

I've appreciated your time at HUA, but I don't think you should continue.

I am so glad that Slade and his cousin Hank have a loving home. And Bruce too. Those are blessings. I will personally guarantee that if HUA can do anything for these dogs, we will do it. Slade was a fixture there, and will always remain in my heart. Bruce was a refugee that I didn't know well. But I've appreciated getting to know him more the few weeks. He is such a good boy and deserves the life he has now. As for Hank? A great dog rescued from an asshole in Ohio.

What the two of you have done is very special for these dogs. What you did at your time volunteering at HUA is much appreciated. You worked your asses off.

We can become angry and say things we shouldn't. Either between ourselves or outside of HUA - or just realize we should let sleeping dogs lie and move on. There are lessons to be learned, by all of us.

I wish you the best of everything. I wish Jim the best of everything.

Sally

My response:

Actually I hadn't heard anything, this is quite a surprise. I'm sorry
to hear that you don't wish for Andrea and I to volunteer anymore.
I'll let her know.

If you care to disclose anything else about the reasons behind this I
would certainly like to know . . .

But the more I thought about it the more I became angry, I talked it over with several other people. One person thought that perhaps Sally had a thing for J-Dawg, and this was her revenge on me for getting in the way. Maybe this is possible, I brought it up with J-Dawg, who thought back and mentioned that Sally would always ask him what he wanted for lunch, would always make his favorite foods and send him the leftovers to take home. He then mentioned that since she found out about us seeing each other (2 weeks ago) She hadn't prepared anything special for lunch and didn't offer to send him any left overs. (coincidence??) Someone else thought that perhaps since she had threatened us that it was wise not to talk about this to anyone that most likely she had sent this email of her own accord, without running it by any of the other board members. And she included Andrea in the dismissal because of course if Andrea continued to show up and the others asked where I had been she would have mentioned my dismissal email from sally. Hhmmmm.

Despite her words of caution, I decided to stir the turd.

I sent the following letter to Carol, the H.U.A. founder, so at least I will maybe get the whole story, maybe. . .

Dear Carol:

Last week I received an email from Sally advising Andrea and I to stop volunteering at HUA. I was surprised to receive such an email, and also I was disappointed. Andrea and I both enjoy working with the dogs on Sunday and we enjoy giving them a chance to get out for some exercise and extra attention.

I wanted to verify that you indeed did not wish for us to volunteer anymore. As I said we were both pretty disappointed. We’re not angry or mad at anyone, just confused. I found it somewhat odd to receive a dismissal for a volunteer position via email without any indication of dissatisfaction on behalf of the HUA staff before the email arrived. Sally alluded to the fact that we were being talked about and she mentioned, “I don't really know what you've been told, what spin might have been put on it, if any and what your thoughts / plans are. It doesn't really matter.” In actuality I hadn’t heard anything, nor had Andrea, and again, it was a surprise for me to find out that this would be discussed freely amongst the group without giving Andrea or myself an opportunity to be informed about what the problem was.

The other thing that confused me was that Sally said she wished Jim all the best and I do not know why she would mention Jim in an email to dismiss Andrea and myself.

It is in the spirit of friendship that I send you this note. I wanted to open up the lines of communication in case there is something that we have missed. As I mentioned, Andrea and I sincerely did enjoy working with the dogs on Sunday, but if you do not wish us to continue we will respect your wishes.

I wonder how this will all play out. . .

Boycott Domino's Pizza

2006-03-03T12:10:00.000-08:00

The man behind the million dollar pledge mentioned in this article is the founder of Domino's Pizza.

Your Vote Matters

2006-03-03T07:22:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago (when ellen and I were at the Banana) Ellen pointed out an expensive sweater and said nonchalantly, "you know, my Birthday is coming up." I suppose she was insinuating that I should purchase her a new sweater from Banana Republic–even if it means taking out a home equity loan. But I had a better idea. I want to get her something really great to stick on her car. So let me know what you think: (decisions, decisions)

Cheesecake Factory V.I.P.

2006-02-28T20:21:00.000-08:00

The waiter said under his breath, "Are you guys looking for a table?" and then shifted his eyes from side to side.
Lewis and I looked at one another and said "um. . .yeah."
"That one there" he pointed to a nearby table with a couple finishing their drinks. "It will be open in a few minutes."
The waiter quickly darted off before we could ask any more questions. It was nine o'clock and Lewis, David and I had arrived at the Cheesecake Factory in Chicago only 10 mins ago. We waited to put our names in for a table and were told the wait was at least 60 mins. We had sighed and decided to clambor our way up to the bar in hopes to to persuade the overwhelmed bartender to get us a drink. Our stomachs were growling and we were regretting our lack of foresight to call and make a reservation.

Then our luck changed.

It was when we were on our way back from the bar that the waiter "propositioned" us about the table. A moment later the couple started to reach for their coats and before they could even push back their chairs Lewis was already sitting opposite them. I followed a little sheepishly, wanting to wait until they were headed away from the table, and then joined lewis.

"Wow", I said "we totally got the hook up" I sat my your-table-is-ready buzzer (that we no longer needed) on our V.I.P table.

Our waiter was fantastic. First we thanked him profusely for the table. He shrugged it of in a cool way, "No problem, no problem." He flirted just a little, not too much and not in a way that is obvious. He offered suggestions on the menu that turned out excellent and then guided us through the all important cheesecake decision offering suggestions based on our tastes and the popularity of various slices.

Turns out his name is Matthew and he is the corporate trainer for the Cheesecake Factory. He travels all over the United States working at a C.F for a period of time before moving onto the next. He'll be in Vegas this summer. I supposed he supplemented his earnings by bestowing the gift of a vacant table to an unsuspecting party who is dreading the long wait. And I assume he is usually rewarded handsomely. Tonight was no exception.

We tipped him mad good.

But he did earn it. We felt like celebrities, or at least feared members of a chicago mob, and of course we avoided the hour wait for the avocado eggrolls.

We Live In a Beautiful World

2006-02-20T08:25:00.000-08:00

I'm going to the Coldplay concert tonight with a few of my best ho-dawg friends. This slideshow reminded of the Coldplay song, We Live In a Beautiful World. I think J-dawg proposed to me this weekend. More on that later.

I don't support hunting

2006-02-16T08:14:00.000-08:00

And when hunters are involved in a hunting accident, I think "serve's you right" how do you think the animals feel? Remember when Chai Vang shot at the group of Minnesota hunters over the rights to a deer stand last year?

Alot has been said about the Cheney shoot-out, I don't have much too add, but here are some funny tidbits:
The Daily Show QuickTime
Wall Street Journal Roundup of Jokes
Disgust with Hunting Stock Raised Quail (I agree)

Roses are Red, Troy is Blue

2006-02-15T17:55:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't love getting flowers? I know Valentine's day is a commercialized cheesy single's awareness holiday and i have NOT gotten flowerws more often than I have gotten flowers on this holiday. But still, this V-Day was fantastic because of the spectacular rose arrangement that J-Dawg sent to my office. Very thoughtful. And Daniel, if you're reading I give you some big props for those thoughtful orchids you sent to your witchy lady friend.

My co-worker Kye–who has experience working for a florist–let me know that I received a very expensive floral arrangement, which I hadn't realized. And while she mentioned this Jeff and Thomas we're standing by my desk and agreed that the flowers were very nice.Thomas said, "yeah you should walk down the hall past the bitchy legal secretary's office with your flowers because someone sent her a crappy gas station floral arrangement. Just pretend to be going to the drinking fountain to water them."
Jeff added, "oh yeah, the one who has an eye for carpeting and wood work?" (She doesn't like to acknowledge anyone associate with our lowly software company, no even a quick "hi" when passing in the shared hallway)

While this might have been funny, I decided it was too mean-spirited because it is wonderful to receive flowers, regardless of their origin. . .Troy asked me if he could have my roses to give to his wife, Sandra. He said she told him not to send her anything for Valentine's Day because it was too expensive. So get this, he didn't send anything. And then he said she called and was irritated with him. I said "Well of course Troy, what are you, a rookie?"

I like Troy alot, he's a hopeless romantic and could probably fall in love with a shoe if he put his mind to it. His wife Sandra is interesting–her hobbies include frequently calling Troy at work. It's funny because she'll first try his cell phone, which he'll ignore because he's usually, get this, busy working. So then she'll call the main office line, which I usually answer and I will transfer her to Troy anywhere from five to 15 times a day and when I do, Troy asks me to take a message because get this, he's busy working. I like Sandra and ordinarily wouldn't mind transferring all of her calls and relaying her messages but get this, sometimes I'm busy working too. Anyway, I told Troy that he could not have my flowers because I liked them. Sorry you had to sleep on the couch buddy.

New Drug Rehab Program

2006-02-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

So Saturday El-dawg and I decide to do a little shopping. We went south-town to "the banana," and then uptown to the thrift store that was next door to Family Dollar. Ellen was looking for eclectic clothing that would be appreciated by a group architect professionals and I was looking to replace the tie out leash that I have on my front porch to let the dogs out in the morning.

I need a replacement because the first one has been broken, I'm not going to name name's but I think it has something to do with starts with and "h" rhymes with tank. You may remember him from previous posts such as, so-n-so ate my Bra, flip flop, and slipper and might see him in future posts such as so-n-so fucking ate my cell phone.

When I was paying for my new tie out leash in family dollar, a woman behind me spotted a point-of-purchase display with brightly colored monkies that squealed a variety of monkey sounds when squeeezed. Upon squeezing one, this woman also squealed with delight and said "hee hee, well that's enough to keep a person from their crack"

The cashier and I exchanged a quick "did-you-hear-that?" confirmation glance, then smiled and decided that yes we had both heard right.

If you have a crack-cocaine problem that you are wanting to break, I hear the family dollar monkies could do the trick.

Lego Lady

2006-02-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

guess who this is (in lego profile), starts with an "e" rhymes with melon.

Make your own lego likeness: I borrowed this lego link from Jeff Carlson, thanks buddy.

Hank

2006-02-08T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm not talking to you or petting you today because you ate a very nice, recently purchased, relatively expensive bra-wise, bra today. And don't try to blame it on Slade. I let the slippers go, and the flip flop you found under the bed yesterday but this is too much. You sleep in the crate.

Cropdusting

2006-02-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

So i'm at work and just finished a tasty bean soup lunch. Which made me think i hope i don't regret this later. Then I remembered this handy email than circulated around our office. In case you haven't seen it. . .

Begin forwarded message:

From: "Emily Markel"
Date: November 16, 2005 2:13:24 PM CST
To: "Andrew Johnson" , "Cheryl Fletcher" , "Cindy Moore" , "Heather Smith" , "Jackie Tunberg" , "Jeff Trumble" , "Lewis Ellis" , "Lyman Taylor" , "Megan Smolik" , "Pam Price" , "Tom Price"
Subject: FW: How to Poop At Work

A few of us have seen this one before, but it is still a hilarious re-read!
Emily
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO POOP AT WORK:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will erase all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.

i hope i don't have to pull a crop duster in a little while.

S.T.O.P–you can't put two coonhounds in a del sol. . .or can you?

2006-02-06T11:49:00.000-08:00

so last month i took Hank to get his balls whacked at the low cost neuter clinic in auburn, ne, where J-Dawg works. On the way home i got a speeding ticket (so much for the damn low cost nueter) and decided to go to S.T.O.P (Safety Training Option Program) class to clear my record. My S.T.O.P class was last Saturday from 8:30 am -4:30 pm. It's hard to believe there are that many fraffic films out there to fill that kind of time slot. . .

J-Dawg was nice enough to babysit my hounds since it was an all day class. I had just one problem.

Q: How do i transport two coonhounds for 80 miles safely in a sport, two-seater Honda?
A: Shove 'em in, buckle up and see what happens.

Suprisingly, they did great. Hank sat to the back of the passenger seat and sort of spooned Slade, who sat on the front corner panting like a nervous nelly the entire trip. But I kept thinking, what if i get pulled over for exceeding the maximum amount of connhounds you can fit in a del sol while on my way to S.T.O.P class. i left the evening before S.T.O.P and kept thinking with every passing car, I hope that isn't a cop wondering why there are three head silhouettes across my tiny car.

But for those of you anxiously awaiting my review of S.T.O.P class, I sat in the front row and read Memoirs of a Geisha in between tests. Never was asked to pay attention, thankfully, so the book helped to pass the time. But it was horrible, horrible, horrible. i'll never speed again, er, i mean i'll try to never get caught while speeding again.

Puppy Courier

2006-02-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

"i have to drive some puppies to Boulder tonight, want to come along?"
"can i bring hank and slade?"
"sure"
"ok"

That was a transcript of Friday's phone conversation between myself and i'll call him J-dawg, my new main man (next to hank and slade of course) If you haven't had the pleasure of meeting Hank and Slade, i'll attach their photos, and if you've already met them, well aren't they adorable?

So I hop in a van with a guy i've been seeing for like 2 weeks i think, maybe 3, to help drive some puppies to Boulder, Colorado where they will be adopted. It was a great trip. I think I really dig this guy. I know that because there are few people I would help drive a van full of puppies to Boulder with on a last minute notice and then turn around and come back the next day (ellen i think you are the other person i would do this for).

MBE it only took me a couple of minutest to write this, i really needed a brain break, and i'll work a little late to make up for it.

Cross Dressing for the Geriatrics

2005-07-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

ok so i just bought this house (my very first one) and i've become quite the DIY, well in my head anyways. So much of my spare time is spent at Home Depot. So while i was there last sunday i notice an elderly woman in a mini skirt. Age spots, wrinkles, sagging skins, clearly someone in their golden years. To top it all off, this "woman" is tottering down the aisles slowly--with a cane. First i notice her broad shoulders and slim waistline, not the average build of a woman in her seventies, but anyways she turns around and i notice that she is tarted up like a whore. Red lipstick, red cheeks, aqua eye shadow--to the brow. This pretty much confirms my suspicions that this person is not a woman but a man and he/she is stopping traffic in home depot where us suburban home owners peter around for our house and garden necessities. Some people pretend to be looking at things nearby the she-male, as not to be obvious about their curiousity while others openly stare (i'm in this camp), but anyway my ADD kicks in and i wander over to the ralph lauren faux finish collection (the real reason for my visit) and settle on resort orange in the bright canvas technique (came out great for those of you wanting to give it a try). I pay for my items and head out to the car where i find the she male sitting in a black chevy blazer pulling at his/her blouse and adjusting fake breasts. I knew those were too perky for a 70 year old. Case closed.